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i just watched my empathy be flushed down the alcoholic toilet of hell. Sorry...but I am at my wits end. The other night AH was being open and honest..so I thought. In the last few days since then, he has turned his attitude around...kinda like the Exorcist scene where what's her name twists her head all the way around because she is possessed by the devil. The chaos never ends. both of his cars weren't running, so he asked me to borrow one of the two vehicles I own. It was 8:30 pm and he was going to come over and change my battery since I found out it was dead a few days ago. I thought about it and told him to wait until today to do it so we could change the battery during the day and it would be more convenient for me since I work all weekend. So, I call him today after work and he says he doesn't need the vehicle. He somehow managed to fix his. Since he couldn't use my car last night, he and my daughter walked quite a distance to the grocery store and post office...something that could have waited until today....but he was so desperate to mail out his unemployment checks, he walked at night to do it. He needs the exercise, so I guess it's ok. I noticed the old crappy car in his driveway has two flat tires. He said yep, they're flat when I asked him about it. Tonight I found out he got into an accident and hit a median which caused the airbag to deploy and flattened the front tires. I am so glad it worked out...he doesn't need to drive my cars.
He is grabbing at straws tonight...texting me how he knows I was going to let him use my car just to butter him up to sell the house. He went on and on to insult me. It was lovely. I texted him back a little, then stopped myself. It's insane.
So...now for the good news. I've worked enough overtime to take my kids to Disneyland!!! One of the last times we went to Disneyland, my AH came. It was pitiful. The kids and I were in the park while he slept half the day. I called him over and over to join us. He couldn't do it until later. He is not a big fan of Disneyland. Now I can go and enjoy my trip without him!!! So excited. That's our Christmas present. I want to focus on that.
Thanks for reading...until the head turns again...goodnight!!
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Sunday 7th of December 2014 12:40:34 AM
So, good! Your car wasn't wrecked, your daughter wasn't in the car that he wrecked AND you're going to be able to treat you and the girls to Disneyland.
On the subject of our moral inventory being taken by another - it sure feels like hell to be ripped by a critical spirit. I've worked on not doing that - taking another person's moral inventory and I've worked on learning how to detach from letting another's critical spirit hurt me. That is one classroom I haven't enjoyed and I see you don't enjoy it either. That's health and I'm so glad you withdrew from listening to it. My HP and maybe yours, too, would never rip at us like that critical spirit does. I think we can safely apply the Al-Anon tool of "take what you like and leave the rest" to anything that rips at our character, our hearts or our minds and we can refrain from letting that critical spirit that lives in us harm us or others, too. Love that you dropped your end of the rope and didn't text him back! That's progress, sister.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 7th of December 2014 01:35:24 AM
Ooh Disneyland! Down under that was just the most exotic destination a kid could imagine...it was always promised depending on a lottery win. Enjoy. And sorry about Regan ;p
(((((NLG))))) Gosh, you dodged so many bullets- your HP has your back! I'm sorry for your hurt and feelings of betrayal; I don't perceive that you're not empathetic, it sounds more like detachment and for a very positive and healthy reason. It also sounds like when things didn't work out for him by doing things his way that he blamed you.... classic.... and I'm so sorry because you don't deserve this. I'm glad you came here and posted, stopped engaging in the insanity- great program work, and can now focus on your fun trip with your kids. Life moves on and it's good when we don't stay stuck in the chaos and insanity of the disease. Disneyland... awesome!
His being sick doesn't mean he's not nasty too. It's kind of like when you see a homeless person screaming on the street and you walk near them and they scream at you. You still feel sorry for them right? A person doesn't have to be nice or logical to have sympathy or empathy for them. Also, I think you have empathy for his depression WAY more than the untreated alcoholism (even though the two are so tied together it's hard to distinguish). That sneakiness, lying, passive aggression, manipulation....that's mostly untreated alcoholism and personality disordered stuff. Does not mean you were wrong that he has really bad depression too.
In fact - you are talking about someone that possibly has not just depression and untreated alcoholism but also OCD/Hoarding. It's hard to have the attitude of "too sick for me" but that's probably a unifying thought that encompasses all his behaviors, tactics, and illnesses.
I venture to say you are far from alone when having a qualifier that you waver from feeling sorrow/sympathy/empathy for and then being really angry at. That is a pretty standard combo here and detachment remains the number 1 tool. Have fun at Disneyland! If it was Disneyworld that would be in my neck of the woods.
I agree with Pinkchip here. Empathy is not something that is deserved or earned really. Its evidence of progress for you. Empathy is for you and helps you feel better, its not really about him being good and so therefore earning empathy. Its a hard one to come by and to keep hold of and I still go between anger, forgiveness and empathy. When you weigh up these feelings then the one that is better for you and more comfortable for living with then its the forgiveness and empathy. Anger can be useful but it can be destructive and attached to it, well for me anyway, is the self pity, victim thing. If im angry at him then its usually because he did something to me, right then, Im his victim, Im feeling sorry for myself so hes got power over me. Im stubborn and Im all about removing every last thread of power he had from my mind. Empathy is a gift to you not him. Its a letting go kind of thing, its a maturing kind of thing. Its progress for sure.
Thanks PC and El cee. This whole situation is very hard for me. I have been taken advantage of in many ways. The house issue is bothering me the most right now. I could possibly get money out of it if I try and sell it...but the payments are so far behind now I don't know if it's worth it to try and sell it. It's a dump and I don't think I should waste realtors time...especially if AH backs out of a possible sale.
Awww, I hope you do have a fun trip and make the most of it! My son and I stopped traveling with AH a few years ago. He's just not a fun traveling companion. I recently told my son he should travel with his dad to CA since AH works there one week out of the month. My son said, "no way, mom. Don't you remember what happened in Hawaii?" Nope, I didn't remember it from my son's perspective but I remembered it from my perspective. That was one of the last vacations we took as a family and it was 4 years ago! As to what my son remembered, he said that AH was always in a bad mood, criticizing every choice we made, complaining about how long we were staying at certain places, being a bully with son, and just generally being a grouch. We were in one of the most beautiful places in the world and he still found ways to complain, LOL.
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