The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my name is Tanya and this is my first introduction to Al anon community. I've been married to my AH for 6 years now and it's been a very trying WTF time! he has been in and out of rehab but this last time there seems to be considerable improvement. He's been sober for nearly 3 months now and it's GREAT to see that side of him again...however, things between us seem very distant now. He keeps saying he loves me and wants to work on our relationship but aside from that there's really no actions to show this. He's found his own recovering alcoholics community which is great but seems to want to spend more time talking to those people than me. I'm not a selfish or jealous person normally but im really struggling right now to comprehend what's going on? Perhaps i am just expecting too much too soon. We hardly talk or spend time together, occasionally we will go out to dinner or something but it's normally just eat and go
Last night I tried to change my approach and ask about this community he has found and tried to show some interest but he got a bit defensive and didn't want to talk about the friends hes made or anything about it really. i am trying to show him i am supportive of his recovery but instead feel like I am constantly in the way. I raised this with him a few times and he says I am doing great and he doesn't know why I am worrying so much. its like he prefers to be on his own but yet when I distance myself he will ask why ... I'm seriously confused as i get the feeling he wants to be on his own now that hes focussed on his recovery yet when I ask if he'd like me to back off and leave him alone he gets annoyed.
Perhaps it's just me but this wasn't the relationship I Had anticipated. There's just nothing between us at the moment...yet he keeps saying he can see only see a future with me and likes how things are going. The thing is..things aren't going anywhere As he constantly chats with others but closes up to me When I ask about his progress and feelings.
I really don't want to seem ignorant or like I am complaining as I know a lot of you out there are longing for your partners to find help...but now I'm struggling how to deal with the aftermath of his recovery. Perhaps it just needs better awareness on my part.
has anyone else experienced these feelings while your partners are in recovery? I'm dying for that closeness and connection again but it just ain't happening. Should I keep trying to show him my support in the hope things will improve and he will open up to me or just should I just back off? Would love to hear other experiences.
Welcome to MIP. Although we are not an Al-Anon group, many of the members of MIP are members of Al-Anon. Working a program ourselves is important for our own education about alcoholism and how it affects us. A newly recovering alcoholic must attend meetings in order to save their own lives. All the attention they put into drinking must go into learning how to live sober. For many, its like being a newborn because living life on life's terms is a brand new experience for them. We can't help the alcoholic get and stay in recovery to the degree other recovering alcoholics can do it. You're not alone. There are those of us who have also had the good fortune of learning how to live with a recovering spouse. It takes a lot of adjustment on our parts and Al-Anon meetings are the place to go to get the help and hope we need whether or not our loved one quits drinking, keeps drinking or goes back to drinking. We suggest attending at least 6 meetings before deciding if Al-Anon is right for you. We also suggest making no major changes until you have attended meetings for at least six months. Keep coming back here, too.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 6th of December 2014 07:51:17 PM
Hello TP I am pleased that your husband has found a degree of sobriety and is working a recovery program. Alcoholism affects the problem drinker in a certain manner and also affects the entire family who lives with the disease as they attempt to cope with the insanity. AA is the recovery program for the member of the family who drinks and Al-Anon is the tried and true recovery program for members of the family who have had to deal with the devastation. Al-Anon face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and I urge you to check my pages for the hotline number and attend meetings.
It is here that I learned to let go of all the residual anger, resentment, self-pity and fear that had been building up because of years of living in the uncertainty and pain of alcoholism. I also found that I could break the isolation caused by the disease and obtain the support that I needed in order to grow and change.
Recovery is a process for both members of the family but there is hope and help.
Thank you both. I've checked out al anon meetings in my local area and seems there's one at end of my street!! I'll Suss out the next one on Tuesday morning, just a little apprehensive about it.
I understand the apprehension. When you arrive, you'll be greeted before or after you find your seat in the room. There is usually a facilitator for each meeting who will guide the meeting process. You can speak or not speak when its your turn. There is no pressure to do anything and for some of us it was a blessing just to sit quietly in a meeting for an hour with others who understand the ways we've all been affected by the disease and tell what sometimes sounds exactly like our story. All it takes from you is just the willingness to walk through the door, sit down and keep an open mind. Nothing more. Everything that is said there, stays there. Everyone who is seen there is also kept confidential. I'm glad you're going. Come back here, too.
Sister TeePee...welcome to the board...Good News!! You're normal for a newbie!! I was that way also and I've been in Al-Anon for a while. Most newbies are exactly the way too. We come into program not knowing and that is normal and we need to sit and listen with a wide open mind and be around those who have been where you are at and then came to understand it all. Apprehensive? Of course and don't let that stop you...go to the meeting apprehensive and go early. Hang out with the group after the meeting and continue to listen...as your questions after the meeting then get names and numbers. Al-Anon is different than the way you are now living and how I use to live also and it is because of that difference that I and the rest of us got help. You can browse the Al-Anon.org site and get some first hand information. We are world wide and the program is identical in each location with the beauty that each member is unique.
Just a different mindset? If your husband has been drinking and/or using or both for 6 years and over, e month means he is just dry...not sober. Keep that to yourself he doesn't need to hear anything from you...really...cause you have to learn about this thing called alcoholism and/or addiction and the family for yourself. You will do this for you...not him. You didn't cause his addiction, you cannot control his addiction nor will you cure his addiction...those are our 3 Cees. So keep reading and listening and sharing with the board here and get to that Tuesday morning group. Give them all hugs for us cause they are family also. Have some (((((hugs)))))
At 3 months sober, I was still emotionally retarded. I wasn't capable of having a mature intimate relationship yet. I don't know what to tell you exactly with regard to him because I can't predict your AH's progress in recovery. I can tell you some things based on what I know about what people in recovery go through, having traversed that road myself. I know that I had to learn how to have friends first in AA. I also felt this overwhelming sense of belonging that I never did before when I went to AA and that was hard to explain to anyone not in AA (I think you might find that in Alanon). AA does sort of perpetuate the idea that nobody can help you but another alcoholic. This is rather useful for newcomers because it keeps them on the proverbial sobriety beam. It takes much much longer in sobriety to reintegrate fully into the world and then with "normies" as we say. I lived in an AA bubble for like a year and a half and aside from work, it was just about my whole life.
So, recovering or not, it's going to be challenging to be in this relationship. Alanon will give you so many tools and they overlap with what he's learning too so it's all good. Get your own recovery going. My guess is that this disease has done more damage to you than you are taking note of. Monitoring his recovery and pinning all your hope on it is going to be far less fruitful than developing more of your own support network and recovery in Alanon.
Although I had already been in al anon when my husband entered an IOP program (Intensive Outpatient Program), I still had the feelings you are having. We are human and have wants, needs and desires. On top of all of this, I was recovering from a surgery, so my outside support of meetings was gone and I did not know about this site. To the best of my ability, I used my program tools, including conversations with my sponsor, yet I still wavered. I got myself so worked up into a pity party one Sat I decided I was going to drive myself somewhere, anywhere (I had doc orders not to drive). I grabbed my blankets and pillows just in case I decided not to come home and my son looked at me in terror and yelled "you aren't supposed to drive!" I screamed "watch me". I loaded my pitiful looking, pale self , with bed stuff into my rough riding jeep and headed to the library. I fell asleep in one of their chairs until they closed, then went to the book store. People stared at me because I looked sick, but my pride kept me from going home until the pain was too great.
So, yes, I experienced these feelings Since I had al anon tools, though, I took my inventory and made my amends after I walked back into my house with my tail between my legs. I knew my husband was doing what he had to do for his recovery and I fully supported his process. I did not know how it would affect the future of our marriage and I put that aside as he was struggling for his life and dealing with the demons that haunted him. My work was to put my energies into my healing and my life and to turn the results over to God. This is your work and, if you work your recovery program through al anon, your life and your life's purpose will become clearer to you, one day at a time. All the best to you and bravo that your husband is choosing his life.
Thankyou all for such great insight and advice. I need to get some help and support clearly. I was going to my first Al anon meeting Tuesday morning but have now decided I might try for one today instead. We had a massive blow out argument this morning which resulted in me accusing him of all sorts of things. I feel really bad now and need to learn to vent my frustrations another way. I hope this doesn't set him back again now. I'll make an effort to attend today's meeting and post back how I went.
(((TeePee))) PP gave a very knowledgeable response and for me it is a first of the C's response. I know from my own experience with my own alcoholic/addict and the cunning and powerful and baffling nature of this disease that your alcoholic must also know intimately that you are not powerful enough to cause him to drink and use and if he doesn't HP needs to stay involved. His recovery is his responsibility and his desire for recovery must be paramount, come first or the negative consequences can and will become progressively more severe. Turn your focus on TeePee...she is who we need to help recover. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Hello everyone.. just an update to let you know I've just got back from my very first al anon meeting. OMG! From the moment i walked in I had people coming up to me and taking me under their wing... I even read a few steps out loud... couldn't quite muster the courage to tell my story but I'm going again tonight so I might just find something in me then.
Its amazing how good i feel, very exhausted mind you, but also very satisifed. I have just sent a long email to my AH who is at work currently to apologies for my actions this morning and explain to him I am getting help too. Whether or not this was a wise move I don't know, but he is very happy for me as has been wanting to suggest that since he's been in recovery but hasn't known how to approach it.
I'm still very anxious how things will tonight when he gets home...like I said, he hasnt been drinking for nearly 3 months but its the "distance"between us that is killing me - I long for the intimate relationship again, at least to have a proper talk, but hopefully one day that will happen when we are both in a better mindset. Interesting thing I learnt today too....that may never happen, which scares me a bit but I need to learn to accept what I can't control.
I know I'm new to all this, but I'd like to personally thank you all for taking the time to read and acknowledge my post - your insight and encouragement I am very grateful for
I am so glad you went to that meeting and felt so good while there made a commitment to attend another one soon.
As far as being fearful for your relationship to your husband: Hard as it is, try to focus on your self and stay in each day. The past is over. The future isn't here yet. All that is important and do-able is one day at a time. Nobody can predict whether or not marriages will make it. Some do. Some don't. We get fearful when we try to peer into the future. We feel more grounded and steady when we just handle today's business and today's relationships as it is and they are. Continued meeting attendance will help you deal with fear and give you the tools you will need to live life on life's terms, too.
(((Tepeee) i am so pleased that you attended a meeting and found such support and understanding. We do need a program of recovry and when both members of the family are seeking a new and better way, progress can be made.
It is progress not perfection that we seek so please keep coming back.
Yay for you! I hear genuine responses coming from you and your husband, too; that is love. It seems you really heard your experience in the meeting....you were ready for this.
Hi teepee, that is great to hear! So look what happened there - you were trying to support your husband by giving him the things you thought he needs because they are things that you would need in his shoes. Then you went to a meeting, and apparently gained a lot of knowledge about issues that you and he that you never would have thought, never having been an addict and not having any experience with a recovery program.
You reach out to your husband in a manner suggested by this newfound knowledge, and find out heis happy for you! I would say your higher power has been working on you two!
I agree with your last statement, it's best not to get expectations high about what you are wanting, you may find that isn't possible. But HP will get you there, it may not be the place you want to be, but it will be the place you need to be.
Well I managed to keep to myself last night and didn't both AH at all.
The thing I need to learn to let go of the most is constantly checking up on him - I hate this person I've become having to check up on him all the time. There's some major trust issues between us, I'm sure you've all been or are going through that.
One mistake I keep making is reading his blog site entries on an addict recovery site he's joined... it hurts when he keeps talking about things which I know are referring to me although he doesn't say that.
Like yesterday for instance, he writes in his blog about the argument we had and some of the things I said.. which made everyone respond to him telling him he doesn't need an unsupportive environment and to get out.
I hate reading stuff like that as its not like that at all - mistake #1 for me today - i need to stop checking up on him!!!!!!!!
I didn't make the second Al Anon meeting last night as ended up sick - so now I'm home from work today sick and just wanted to work to distract myself from unhealthy thoughts.
Maybe i'll head into work after all - sick or not - nothing beats a good distraction like work :)
Hope everyone is having a good day wherever you are. Its overcast and stormy here in Aus - miserable weather really!
Thanks for your kind support and comments everyone - this is a great place.
Thank you both. I've checked out al anon meetings in my local area and seems there's one at end of my street!! I'll Suss out the next one on Tuesday morning, just a little apprehensive about it.
Great thinking....as you learn to take care of and work on you, you won't be so absorbed into what he is doing...right now and for a few years, till hes really been sober a few years and learning to think healthy, he literally has to "marry" AA and its steps , his sponsor, etc.....he can't really "handle" anything when first sober....he has all he can do to stay sober and work his program, b/c he is saving his life.....this poison will continue to kill him slowly, mind and soul if he doesn't abstain for the rest of his life.......also some folks get kinda territorial about their programs...like they are learning stuff about themselves, and their family of origin and maybe he isn't comfortable to share right now w/a non drinking person, even if that non drinker is his spouse......hang wiht alanon...let alanon be your life and support line...get into meetings..get a sponsor and make your own life...someone said on a post, earlier, that i saw that only 15-25% of them stay sober and i believe it...so let him work his program, don't pressure him, let him know you are cheering him on and be encouraging but let him work his program as he needs to....hes fighting to not die a slow and horrible death........sending you both SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I'm glad you are noticing that reading what he is writing in his shares with other As feels bad to you. It is one of the ways the disease can effect us. Our self-esteem and our trust is at low ebb. Al-Anon helps us pick ourselves back up again and learn to trust that whatever happens, we can handle it with the help of our HP, our program and the fellowship. As shared by others, focusing on ourselves and not on the As gets increasingly more satisfying with work and we leave them free to be and to do what they choose as we free ourselves to do what is most self-esteem building for us.
TP I needed all the help I could get to learn how to KEEP the Focus on myself and stop checking up on him, stop focusing on him , stop worrying and start living life on life's terms.
Alanon meetings, the steps ,a sponsor , the slogans and meetings all gave me plenty to do so that I was so busy taking care of my program and myself I had little to no time to focus on his life .
By doing this I took care of my part in the relationship and let my partner take care his. It worked perfectly
Thankyou all so much... Very valid advice.
I'm a very visual person so have spent the morning printing off the slogans and steps. There's also an awesome app I've downloaded called My Recovery Toolkit.. Looking forward to using that too.
Hope everyone is having a great day or night wherever you are.
Like I said before, folks in early recovery (and of course active alcoholics) are emotional babies. Anything other than total praise and kudos is often perceived the way you described. Hence, keep the focus on you. Take your own inventory, build your own recovery, and act by your own principles.
One of the reasons I joined Al anon was so I could let off anger when my wife left rehab. She didn't need it taken out on her, so instead I vented in the rooms, and eventually learned more about alcohol, and started tonfocusbmore on myself, and one day I celebrated when I had a share that was abou t me and not her.
AA is an anonymous organization. There is a reason there are open and closed meetings. I have only gone to a few of my wife's meetings, otherwise she works throigh what she needs to work throifh there. I have no control over it, and don't want to know the details other than how it directly affects me. Her recovery is her business, not mine.
I couldn't even imagine her coming to am Alanon meeting, and wouldn't want her to read on this forum. I ho here to discuss things that I can't discuss with her, so that I can come back together with her and discuss the things I can. My recovery is my business, not hers.
I'm glad you are able to get to meetings. It sounds like you are learning much already.
That's made a lot of sense Kenny, thanks for sharing. It's definitely put stuff in perspective for me. I look forward to the day I can be talking about my achievements and not about what my Ah is doing!
That's made a lot of sense Kenny, thanks for sharing. It's definitely put stuff in perspective for me. I look forward to the day I can be talking about my achievements and not about what my Ah is doing!
Hey Tanya, it sounds like that day is near (you focusing on you,not him) great, you going to meets and no worries if you are shy to share, lots of times folks hang out after meets to chat w/newbies.....you will share when you feel like it...listening is just as good, too......you got us to share with and when you feel comfy enough to share in fac2fac meet u will have both avenues......glad AH is working his recovery......he needs to really hang onto AA, expecially in beginning when stuff is all new and he is learning about himself......glad you showed up here........with your sincerity, here, you are for sure gonna prosper in alanon.......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
need to vent today before I head to work!
Bare with me here, I'll probably go nutty
Spent all day yesterday doing my own thing and keeping away from AH. Was so difficult as I didn't even hug him or do what I normally do and he didn't even notice. It's so hard not to be selfish, I wish I could just not even think about him sometimes.
I don't even know if he wants to be with me anymore, but can't really ask him that so its a big waiting game for me. I'm the one addicted to him now, Argh!!
I am only going to suffocate him and any chance of our marriage improving if I keep going the way I am. It's just sooooo hard to be married to somebody and yet feel like you don't exist....I must remember what it's been like for the past few years and not expect miracles.
Another thing I can't stop thinking about is if he will end up developing feelings for another woman in recovery and end up leaving me for somebody who understands him. I dread that thought as I know that's probably common, I just hope things work out as I really do love this guy so much.
Anyway, that's it from me...thanks for hearing my rant. I'd better go face work now and distract myself.
I'm not sure it's reasonable for you to expect that your entire marriage and way of relating to each other can change so your husband can get better and you will just adjust and learn to live without the things you crave and are used to...it sounds as though you are feeling pretty negative towards yourself because you aren't super-human and able to just shut off your emotions and habits and needs with the flick of a switch. Of course you can't!
Guess what, your husband has made some major changes and they are most likely very positive changes for HIM and something he needed to do but that doesn't mean you have to just learn to live with feeling shut out and hurt. It's a huge adjustment for you too and your needs are being neglected! He might not be able to give what you need now or any time soon but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or that you don't need to find a way to feel nurtured and loved!
That's what al-anon is for, it isn't for learning to support an alcoholic, it's about how to give ourselves the love and care and attention we so desperately need because very few people get any kind of meaningful love or attention from an alcoholic recovering or otherwise.
I hear you saying you are staying away from him, not asking him about things etc for HIM, so that he will see that you are trying to be supportive.
Forget him for a while, he has AA to help him deal with his stuff at the moment.
What about YOU? What do you need? How can you get those things for yourself? Can you do something nice for yourself today? Just because you deserve to feel loved and cared for? Because you really do.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Perhaps you aren't experiencing yourself as visible to him and you are experiencing yourself as visible to you. I can remember thinking that if somebody left my life, my life would be over. And then I started doing what I could to make my life happier and my existence important to me. I broke it off with the person I thought I had to be in relationship to forever because I grew and saw he wasn't right for me. It was totally different than what I had feared. In looking back, my fear was actually my inner wisdom trying to get my attention. I just didn't know that right away. He had a lot of goodness and a lot of character assets that I admired. Later, I also realized that I had even projected what was true about me onto him. I didn't need him. I needed me to recognize and appreciate the person I was with or without him. I also needed me to see that we weren't right for each other beyond a certain point and when I could see it, I could also set myself and him free to walk our own paths in life.
Miss M... Thank you for your honesty... Its exactly what I need. After I was away from things today I started feeling alot better and I'm journalling my feelings now. I haven't yet mustered up courage to share them at all anon but I plan to hopefully I'm my next meeting.
And what did I do for ME today??
I just completed a 2hours walk from work to home... Such a gorgeous night I couldn't not enjoy it. It was wonderful and just what I needed to clear my head and get my positive back on!!
Love you all, thanks for putting up with my rants and constant mindset changes!
Seeking love and approval from emotionally delayed, stunted, or unavailable people is something we all have in common here. I hear you saying you love your husband so much but I also hear he is putting your relationship in jeopardy by being cold and distant. Some of it may be about you needing to give him space, but certainly not all of it. There are 2 parties here. Relationships are not about you needing to bend over backwards to be someone else and to dig the emotions, affection, and validation out of someone else. If down the road, he doesn't provide these things for you, it could be a deal breaker for you and not him. For me, before I worked on myself, I would say I loved people and mixed it all up with needing them. I was unhappy when they didn't meet my needs. My recovery has helped me meet some of my own needs, but also develop better boundaries and respect for myself when someone else just isn't meeting my needs. I no longer confuse sex, infatuation, or neediness with affection, love, and attention (at least not nearly as much as I did before). This doesn't mean your marriage is over, it just means continue working on making yourself happy and take it a day at a time while figuring things out. This is all a journey and there's no guarantee your AH is "the one - for life." With the marriage, maybe there is a big "?" above it and that is okay. Maybe HE won't make YOU happy and you will dump him. It's not all about being abandoned and losing him. Those used to be my biggest fears too in relationships and then when I worked on myself I wound up outgrowing those types and even ending some relationships that were simply not compatible with who I learned myself to be.
To be more specific, pre-program, I used to always want physical closeness with partners, was very touchy feely and such. Almost every single one would tell me I was clingy and needed to give them more space. Well, I was sort of clingy because I was insecure about me and about them. BUT, I also made choices to be with people who were emotionally blocked, stiff, detached and it counterbalanced me being overemotional. At first these partners liked that I was very feeling/emotional/empathic and drew something out of them they didn't share much with others, but then they reverted back to their ordinary closed off selves and found it annoying and smothering. So...now, my current partner is affectionate, attentive, and I kept waiting for when he would be like "Ugh...stop hanging on me! Why do you have to hug me all the time?" But he's never done that. Go figure. I finally picked someone without those intimacy issues and emotional retardation (but I think I am also a bit less clingy). And I recall that this time around, before I met my husband and when I was dating, I heeded red flags and stopped seeing people that acted cold towards me. I remember dating one guy for 2 weeks and he invited me to his house but was on the phone when I got there. He actually hushed me when I spoke up to get attention (and it was not an emergency call or important - he was yapping to a friend). Old me would have been like "Ooh no! He's distant. What do I do? What did I do wrong?" What I did this time was tell him "You invited ME over here and this was supposed to be a date, not me sitting listening to you on the damn phone. Bye!" and I left and never talked to that guy again even when he called back trying to apologize. Before, I probably would have dated him for months or years and complained the whole time. I also would have been like "oh he cares about me enough to apologize! I love him!" Um...2 weeks in, if you are apologizing for stuff that made me so mad I walked out on a date...it's over. Period. That is how I changed.
Food for thought. Don't be afraid to change NO MATTER WHAT. This is about being true to yourself and your HP. If you discover that who you are is not compatible with your husband, that is okay. Not the end of the world. Living in fear of abandonment, lack of love, not approving of self....THAT is your prison. Alanon will help you free yourself.
Hugs to you for your honesty with us. You have desires, needs, and wants. In the earlier days of my recovery, I kept a piece of paper in my purse where I had written down my desires, needs and wants in relationship with my husband. When I found myself getting all muddled up and "settling", I pulled out that piece of paper and slowly read through it. It helped me to get present to me and quiet the voices of my religious upbringing, culture, the media, country music lyrics, hallmark cards, etc. (all of which contributed to a skewed view of me/love/relationships). Stay with the tools of al anon and let the magic of it sink into you. Get a sponsor, too. hugs..
Theres so much truth in your words Pink chip, makes so much sense. I'm working on me for a change now. Woke up this morning with a completely different mindset this morning and eager to take advantage of that and get to a point I need to be. I used to be such a confident and sociable person so I'm aiming to get that person back now.
I'm sick of feeling like I'm the only one in the world with problems... So glad I found this site.. Definitely what I need! It's funny how you get caught up in your own little world sometimes and forget there's so much more out there.
This site is filled with truth and wisdom from so many. I value each response when I post, as I value the time, thought and presence to my particular issue. You are a valued member of this community and are supported by loving people worldwide...some of which you may never hear from, yet, are holding you in their heart.
