The material presented
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It seems that every pay day AH doesn't come home, whether or not his family needs anything.. It is just getting worse and worse. He will leave me with next to nothing to get through the next week only for him to do it again. I don't no what to do, nothing I say gets through to him.. Just looking to talk..
Hello. Welcome to MIP. I experienced the same with my x. It was scary. His addiction ran our family and even the needs of our toddler and infant didn't matter to him. They did matter to me. I made the changes I needed to make to separate myself from his behaviors and did what I could to finance my children and I. It was touch and go for awhile and then it got better. He died an addict. I've outlived him by about 15 years and I'm still going strong. I don't regret any of the choices I made - most especially finding the courage and strength to attend Al-Anon meetings. The disease didn't go away just because I divorced him (not everybody divorces their As nor do we counsel doing that) and Al-Anon was a big help for me.
I think that is one of my biggest fears, him dying from his disease... I try not to let his actions affect my children, I do my best to cover everything up but I do know eventually they will see it as I did. Leaving is hard right now. I do know that one day I will not have the choice... What gave you the courage?
What finally did it for me was my x throwing me into a wall, spitting in my face and trying to strangle me in front of our 3 year old son. My fear was that not only would my kids see an addicted out of control man beating their mother, they would also experience the same. It made no difference to me what anybody said (especially him) or how much financial insecurity I'd have to face. What mattered most was the well-being of my children and that gave me the courage to change what was in my power to change.
Dear Paula, welcome to MIP. Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, powerful , irrational disease over which we are powerless. The behavior that you described is familiar to me and I understand the pain and fear that you are enduring.
I'm really pleased to see that you have the courage to reach out and share, because in breaking the isolation, we finally get the courage to learn how to take care of ourselves in a constructive manner.
Al-Anon is a fellowship of men and women who have lived with this disease and understand his few others can. We meet in face-to-face meetings held in most communities to share our experience strength and hope, to support each other as we change and grow. We learn not to react to the disease but to act in our own best interest. By so doing we regain our self-esteem and self-worth and that is a priceless gift. Al-Anon hotline number is found in the white pages. Please call and find the schedule of meetings and keep coming back you're not alone and there is hope.
Aloha Paula and welcome to the MIP family. Good and glad you found us. The disease is running the show right now and will until you learn how to respond and react differently from being with and listening to the fellowship of men and women who have been where you are at now...some a bit differently and then the similarities are wide and deep. I'm male so my alcoholic was a woman, my wife. I guess it was more normal for guys to be so screwed up...more expected however reality tells another story. You might want to squirrel away some money on your own when you can to help you and the family when he's out boozing. That isn't stealing or dishonest...when he (your alcoholic) is not taking care of your husbands responsibility it surely leaves it up to you to take care. My alcoholic/addict wife use to clean out the savings of thousands of dollars when she went on a "run" a drinking and using spree. That is more normal than unusual. As Betty says this is about an incurable disease...it can only be arrested by total abstinence and that is his part not yours. The alcoholic and addict have three choices...clean/sober or insanity and death. Right now I'd venture that you all are in the insanity phase and you are looking for help while he is looking for his next hit or drink.
You're in the right place cause there is lots and lots of experience, strength and hope here for you for free. If you keep and open mind and listen with it and are willing to follow thru on suggestions (not perfectly) you will find help.
If the hotline number isn't in the white pages of your local telephone book...call the local hospital or family therapist and ask them if they have it...chances are they will cause this is a world wide huge family disease. You are not alone. Keep coming back to MIP. (((((hugs)))))
Hi and welcome. I got the courage to leave my AH by going to Al Anon for a year, getting a sponsor, and believing that a power greater than myself would restore me to sanity. Keep coming back to this forum. And try to attend Al anon.
I left when my X AH's abuse was getting so bad that one time he shoved me against the sink, trying to bend my back and i kicked him in the groin, grabbed his dad's bayonette and I went after him...our landlord and his brother pulled me into their arms, just as i was catching up to the abuser to chop him into pieces....they threatened him they would break his legs if he ever came at me again and forced me to do what i did
i was out of there within days....my g.f. and her b.f. came and helped...the landlord protected me till i could get out of there...i hung out with them for safety......it only gets worse if they don't get into AA and STAY sober....the abuse gets worse, the put downs get worse, everything gets worse......my hell was getting hotter as his drinking progressed.....
i married again, and HE was an A but a nice one....sweet natured, but i still left....this time it was my unwillingness to watch my love die.....i just did not want to bury him after he went insane, his body disolved and hes dying a horrible death like my mother did, naaaaw never gonna "go there" again....now i watch everything....if i even suspect substance abuse, I am gone......it just is not worth it...i left AH#1 with nothing but what i could stuff in mine and my 2 friend's cars and we bailed....i had no money to even pay for the little place i had found but i bartered w/the landlady, repair work on the fence and yard in exchange for rent..i painted the place, fixed it up really cute fixed up the yard, fence and she gave me about 3 months free rent.....there is a way when one wants out bad enough......
are there any meets near you???? i hope u can attend them and get with healthy people who can share their experiences w/you and help you get started in alanon where you find yourself and learn to take care of you and let the alcoholic to his own devices...its his path..not yours....sending you support.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Been there my lovely and it sucks. Foodbanks if there are any, church outreach programmes, hungry kids leave a scar on the mother heart, not that I'm suggesting that's your experience, just a little contingency plan for you and your wee ones. Its a thing you may be able to access regardless of him, and it can be a huge weight off the mind to be able to say, we will not be hungry in any event. You ciuld then maybe stash a bit of the grocery money for a rainy day. Suggestions of course, take or leave. Meetings and programme, because the stress of anticipating payday and his antics takes a huge toll, and being a mother, we are not running on a boundless reserve. I learned this the hard way recently, wouldn't wish it on anyone,ever. Keep coming back. Xx
Hi and welcome to MIP! I'm glad you found us and you're in the right place. Left untreated with abstinence and a supportive program, alcoholism is a progressive disease that end in insanity or death. It affects everyone within reach and is often much too much for us to handle alone. Alanon provides the emotional support and understanding and skills needed to improve our situation, no matter how devastating. I had to learn how to make healthy changes in order to take better care of myself and my daughter. Taking care of myself didn't feel right at first, but I had been so used to putting my sick loved one ahead of us.... I've learned that it's just like being on an airplane in an emergency where I need to put my oxygen mask on first before helping someone else with theirs. Keep coming back- this program works!
Welcome to MIP...you have received responses from wise ones and there are more on this forum that may welcome you. This is a disease that will kill your husband and kill the spirits of the rest of you unless you take the actions to begin your recovery, through, al anon. It is a simple choice and a difficult, yet, worthwhile, road to travel. One of the gifts of al anon and this forum, is you are never alone. It takes courage, and, as a mom, you have the courage, I know it. hugs to all....
begging, crying, hysteria, every emotion will not affect an addict.
To talk to a ketchup bottle would be the same thing.
You have to decide what is best for you and think about solutions for your life. Your life counts before his. He is always going to do what he
has a compulsion to do.
Do you understand that drinking is a compulsion, it takes everything from you and most addicts are willing to give it all to their addiction.
Your husband can die at any time. you have no power or control over it.
What are you going to do?
Keep coming back, he is not getting sobriety, but you can find solutions for you because you are the sober one.
Hugs, Bettina
What gave me the courage to finally decide to leave was to go to Al-Anon meetings for two years in order to better understand this cunning disease and to figure out my role in the "merry go round" of alcoholism - and how to detach in a loving way. I needed the tools of the program to figure out what my options were and to get support and understanding from those who shared the same journey.
