Another ruined week-end - Al-Anon Family Group

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Another ruined week-end

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Debb, ive experienced this too. Its abuse, plain and simple. Its using power over you. This gets worse until it reaches dangerous crisis point. You need help debb, is there someone you can go to just now and stay with? This will get worse and worse, its dangerous in my experience. If you can get the courage go to the police, for his sake as well as yours. Its time to do the right thing for yourself. Noone should have to live like this, please dont minimise it and hooe he will be good.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Don't confront him and call your Domestic Assault Center, the National Domestic Abuse hotline, or When Georgia Smiled for help and guidance. His mind is going haywire and you are the target of its diseased state. You didn't cause this. You can't control it. You can't cure it. You can get help for yourself ASAP. You're so right. This is no way to live and as nutso as their minds can be, you aren't going to be able to reason with it, sweet talk it or confront it without bringing more harm your way. Calling the police is also a good idea. Intimidation and refusing to allow you to move away is as criminal as hitting you.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

I am holding on to my HP right now, he is out of control .... I am at my wits end and don't want to leave my daughter and cats ... thank you for being here with me tonight.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Debbie I am so sorry that you have experienced this unsettling event to begin the weekend. Alcoholism is irrational, cunning and baffling. Please do not let this event spoil your weekend.

I am glad you went for a drive. Please see if here is a meeting available and attend. Recite the serenity prayer, stay in the moment and know that you are powerless over his actions but have all the power over yourself . Do not react to the insanity. instead act in your own best interest.

Here are some hot line numbers

Battered Womens Justice Project: 1-800-903-0111.
National Organization for Victims Assistance: 1-800-879-6682
National Resource Center for Domestic Violence: 1-800-537-2238
US Domestic Violence Hotline/ General Information: 1-800-799-7233

Prayers an positive thoughts

-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 5th of December 2014 07:03:10 PM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Those other supports can help guide you. Women call for help and that doesn't mean they have to leave the house. It does mean they find the support they need when living with an abusive person. I lived with a man who did that same kind of thing. There were no supports in place for women like me back then. I find myself wondering at times if I had a place to go for help and others knew what was going on would I have been put in a position many times that could have resulted in my death? He could leap at me out of nowhere - using or not using - it didn't matter. He was sick and nothing he did made any sense at all. What your husband is doing makes no sense either. I trust that you know what is going on there and will do what you need to do. My suggestion is that you don't try to handle it all on your own. Attending Al-Anon meetings will help break the isolation for you as will getting in touch with people trained in domestic violence issues. Whatever you decide to do, we're here for you.

pixie · Veteran Member

If he's driving drunk call the local cops and report him.I did it with my AH. They do have to have a reason to pull him over,burned out light,driving too fast/too slow, or actually see him with alcohol,beer can,whiskey bottle,etc but they will watch out for him.When I turned my AH in they did take my name but said they would have no reason to tell him who did it if they do catch him at something.If you have a good job where you can take care of yourself get out.I wish I could but I don't make enough money and I'm not leaving my animals or home.My husband isn't abusive so I do have that.He's just annoying and a bore to be around plus watching his health get bad because of his drinking is pathetic.Good Luck and stay safe.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

"The courage to change the thing I can...." Debb the feedback about dunk and raging is right on and as a former alternatives to violence men's case manager let me throw in 5 bucks worth of ESH...He has already crossed over the line using threats and submission. It doesn't matter that they seem to be "just verbal" and somewhat "passive" he has still crossed over the line. I use to tell the men I worked with that even if they used the language "F..." with their wives and I was called? I'd have them taken by the police in a heart beat...I have done it when challenged to it. That man was also drunk when he challenged. You're not alone there are many others around you to help you "change the things you can"....Let us know how it is coming out. Weekend still has time. (((((hugs))))) smile
"

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

I thought if I called those Domestic Abuse lines that it would mean I would be reporting him, can I just talk to these people without reporting him?

-- Edited by Debb on Friday 5th of December 2014 07:46:49 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Baby steps Debb...ask for info first while increasing the courage part. You're afraid of doing something different. Tis okay...go get the information from the phone call first. (((hugs)))..

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

According to their website - the information is confidential. National Domestic Violence hotline.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

I called the local chapter here in town and got the phone number for the group that meets on Monday evenings. I will call Monday ... thank you again everyone for hanging with me this evening and all your help.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Stay close, Debb. Go to an Al-Anon meeting if you can. Hide keys and money, clothing for you and your daughter in case you have to leave the house quickly, please. I doubt your cats will leap into their carriers easily, but if you don't want to leave them behind if you have to go for short time, maybe a plan on how to take them with you easily and quickly might be helpful to you, too?

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

I have definitely arrived at a cross roads in this relationship .... I don't even want an apology anymore .... it would not make any difference at this point. HP, MIP and Al-Anon have given me some pretty good guidance and tools and am so appreciative for all of it.

cmb · Member

Think about this "NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES".....repeat as necessary!

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

"NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES"!! :)

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Debb. Do you have a friend or relative you and your daughter could stay with? I know it's hard. It's confusing. It's ok to take care of yourself and stay somewhere else. A hotel? Please stay away from him. Be strong. You don't deserve this treatment.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

The situation is defused at this time, he just went up to bed. I did speak with my parents and can go there if I need to and he heard me on the phone with them and the domestic abuse line. I think he was a bit jolted by me doing that, I never picked up the phone and called for help before. Thank you all for all your help and suggestions, definitely needed all of your input and company this evening. Tomorrow is another day, but I suspect that it will be a very different day than what I had planned. I am truly disgusted with AH this time.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

It's best not to let him know that you're making these types of calls, Debb. Please be very cautious and careful.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Debbie

NO, it is not a way to live...I am glad you reached out to alanon b/c no way can you live with this w/out the support of alanon...I'm kinda worried about his outburst and blocking your way, getting verbal, now a bit physically abusive????? do you have a safe place to run to if you need to get away??? I would put a spare back pack of stuff, keys, clothes, money, etc., in case you have to "bail" and spend the night....find a domestic violence shelter and see what your options are for a safety net....

I lived with this and i wasn't in alanon at the time, wish i knew then what i know now..I would have, honestly, left long before i actually did....A life with alcoholic not in recovery is just not doable in my opinion....w/out AA and forever sobriety, its just too much...Some sober spouses stay but they only survive with alanon and a strong network of support...sponsor, meetings, step work, etc...

I am sorry to read the misery you are in...Are their any meets near you??? I think I would shop for a sponsor if you don't have one...This guy's treatment of you is not healthy and may even be unsafe...You know him, I don't.....but lets just say from past experiences that verbal abuse CAN lead to physical abuse..that is why i suggested finding a DV shelter where you can run..Or a safe friend..with your backpack ready to fly w/you if/when the need arises.........sending you SUPPORT

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Prayers Debb. I am glad you took some steps on your behalf. Be safe.

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

I kept numbers in my purse to call if there was a big problem. I felt like I needed a safety net and it felt good. Before I went to F2F meetings I called my local Al-Anon and AA for guidance. We cannot do this alone. We need all the help we can get and support. Take care.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

How about going to your parents for the weekend? It might be like a mini vacation for you. Peace and quiet.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hope your feeling better today debb, now its all calmed down. It could be nows the time to do whats right for everyone. You dont deserve to be treated this way and your daughter and pets dont deserve to be part of it either.If you dont do something it will happen again as it has done, every post you have written has examples of his abuse, and will most likely get worse. Your a strong woman debb, its time to tap into your strength.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

I a still trying to defuse the situation until I can get a handle on the damage this is doing to my health. I am going to take ownership of the what I said to him in the heat of the fighting and the fact that I should not have let him hear me talking to domestic abuse, I realize that it was wrong of me to do that. I am worried that he is dropping me from the health insurance, because I have alot of heart issues now and cannot afford health insurance or doctor's bills. I do work 25 hours a week and am in partial retirement, started to collect my social security this month. I am truly relying on my HP right now and appreciate MIP so much at this time. Thank you to you all!!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Debb, you can take ownership of some things to yourself. My concern is that if you "take ownership" to HIM, he will see it as you apologizing and him being justified and the abuse cycle will continue. Making nice with an abusive person does not stop the abuse, nor does being mean/confrontational to them - detachment and distance probably are best. I just hope you are not trying to "diffuse" by giving him ideas that this was your fault in some way. No matter what you said, it was not you that threatened, blocked doorways, and held someone hostage when they wanted to leave. Apologizing for "your part" doesn't work on an irrational alcoholic / rageful person.

Other than that, I am so sorry this has happened to you. You truly don't deserve it no matter what you think you said or did. Having him overhear you calling the abuse hotline was only wrong in terms of your safety and that was said here out of concern for you not because you did something wrong to him. Even if you had him overhear it because you wanted to manipulate him into seeing you were serious....Still not wrong or bad, just potentially dangerous for you.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for clarifying for me Pinkchip. As you can tell I am scared. I feel my life is spinning out of control and am trying very hard to accept the things I can't change and to rely on HP.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It's very confusing. It sounds like this has been a long marriage and you guys are very interconnected. We throw around terms like "codependent" but it is natural for married couples to become somewhat entwined after years together. It seems like it's YOUR life spinning out of control but breathe deep Debb. Now...who is really spinning out of control? He is. You are reaching out for help and listening to others like a sane person would. Just keep taking care of yourself and no matter how long you've been together or how financially tied you are remember that your safety and serenity comes first. Your marriage and the relationship are not your whole life. If you believe he is your life and you need him for your life to not be out of control - he will pick up on it (already is) and use it against you. Not saying you should verbalize anything that makes the statement "I don't need you" but work on getting to that point where you believe that. Having to have your needs met by a drunk/rageaholic is a recipe for disaster. He will fail to meet need and then powertrip on you in an abusive way like you illustrated. Sounds like you have people that love you other than him. You do have options so that your life and all the great things about Debb will continue with or without him.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

As I was looking into this for someone else, I realized this also applied here - There are multiple forms of domestic violence going on here including:

Financial Abuse

Financial abuse is an often unknown, yet very common, form of domestic violence. It occurs when one partner is controlling the financial independence and freedom of the other partner.

The following are some examples of financial abuse:
Having all bank accounts in the abusers name
Controlling how, when, and where money is spent
Assigning an allowance (often very small or unrealistic cost of living)
Denying a partner the right to work outside the home or make any financial contribution to the family
Controlling all or most of the finances
Misusing a partners name for financial reasons
Forcing partner to sign documents against their will, such as taxes, immigration papers, or other important documents.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

We have been married for nine years, my second marriage, his first. Our life is very interconnected, but I have been working on detachment for several months. He generally is easy to get along with when he is sober, but it is obvious that AH has his raging moments every two to three months. He drinks on a weekly basis, but then there are those times that he definitely over does it and last night was an example of that.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Debb: You are a kind, generous, committed, loyal, strong and wise woman. You can get through this by listening to that wisdom that does live in you. What is wrong in your life is the disease at work. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. You are not wrong. You are not responsible for the way this insanity plays itself out. You are powerless over it and over your sick husband. You haven't been in a situation like this, so of course you aren't going to know each step to take to keep yourself safe perfectly. As PC says: Breathe. See that you are sane and able to take good care of yourself, your daughter and your cats. What the AH does or says comes out of his sick mind. You didn't cause that. You can't cure that. You can't control any of that either. You can and will do what is in your best interest as you are doing now. Even the threat to remove you from health insurance is the disease at play in its effort to keep you scared and in its control.

This is what I've learned in life - what I need will be supplied. My source of all goodness isn't other people, employment, banks, health care providers, insurance companies or me. My source of all goodness is my HP and my HP has never let me down. Your HP won't let you down either if you're open to receiving help from a power greater than yourself, your husband or your circumstances.

If you have one of our readers, perhaps reading pages on Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, and topics like faith, fear, gratitude, surrender and/or any slogans that appeal to you will help you feel calmer, more peaceful and capable of doing what you need to do for you?

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Everything, including bank accounts are in both our names, the only thing that is not independent is health insurance and that is because I was laid off two times between 2008 and 2011. The only job I could get was my 25 hour a week job which I took while I was still collecting unemployment. When unemployment ran out I kept the job because I was so close to 62 and am now collecting Social Security to supplement. I am still on his employers health insurance and that is the only thing that I am not independent of. Thank you Pinkchip for helping me! He does pay the household bills from one of two check books. I kept my own checking account because I take care of the food, cats, my personal bills and the general household expenses, plus I do the saving as well. So he is the higher earner in the relationship and he is also very resentful that my daughter is with us, who has health issues and is not paying up rent at this time. She works full time and takes care of her own expenses and did pay us rent until she incurred a very large hospital bill that runs her $400 a month. She plans on paying that off this spring and resuming rent payments.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I wanted to add that whether he drinks heavily or not, the disease is operative. Attending Al-Anon meetings consistently will help you begin to identify its maneuvers and give you a support group that will help you realize options you might not know that you have right now. Alcoholism is a thinking disease. Even if a person with this disease stops cold turkey, the disease progresses without some type of recovery program. We need a recovery program for the same reason. Our thinking isn't always the greatest either. Consistent attendance in meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps, and applying what we learn to our thinking and therefore to our feelings and behaviors helps us in ways that we need and don't always recognize that we need because we've been so beaten down by the disease. Our loved ones aren't bad people but they are very sick people and without treatment get sicker. We can't change them or their thought processes. We can change ours and stop going through crisis times every few months.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

I am listening and absorbing everything you are all saying. It is all making sense to me and the situation is becoming more clear.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

You are in my prayers debb

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Debb, some rich and wise responses have been provided and your listening is willing. Reading your post this morning I hear that the intensity has decreased and the dance of diffusion and calming is once again on you. I understand the need to feel safe, even a false sense of safety is better than none. The feeling of safety is short lived and dependent on him. I hope you are knowing the time is right for you to take action for more permanent feelings of safety. What might that look like? Hugs

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Are you in frequent contact with your sponsor and al anon meetings?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I can see why the disease would resent your daughter's presence. One of the maneuvers of the disease is to isolate us from friends and family. The more it can get us to itself, the more power it has over us. Breaking the isolation by going to meetings is key to our health and to our wellbeing. Your daughter might want to go with you, too? The disease affects her as much as it effects you, Debb. You both can enjoy the benefits of healing through some of that nasty disease's effects on you. We can't do battle with the disease - its too baffling, powerful and cunning. We can get relief and learn to detach from it in the program.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

I was able to get into the local (in town) Al-Anon meetings on Wednesday evenings, they were listed as closed to new members and the closest group was a half hour away. I did talk to him this morning and impressed on him that what he did was abusive and that it is only escalated when he drinks. He did not say anything. He actually picked up the message on the answering machine this morning, when Al Anon called me back to say I was welcome to join ... he again said nothing!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Debbie I am glad alanon called you back. Alanon meetings, as I know them, are never closed to new members. I have heard of

" closed" meetings, which mean only people who have been affected by another's drinking are invited to attend. Please keep sharing. You are not alone.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.