The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It hit last night,I was washing dishes,I started slamming the dishes and I started crying,I have been feeling a lot of things,really painful things and I have to say I deserve better than this crap!All of a sudden I realize I have believed the lies I learned from my father.He was horrible to me,he treated me so badly.I don't understand how my mother could think it was okay to live like this.I am sitting here at 54 years old,with nobody and in poverty because my choices were based on the feeling that I am less than others and that really pisses me off!
And at 64, you may very well find yourself grateful for it all. I'm glad you're feeling anger. It can be such a good motivating tool when used in a life-giving way. Sounds to me like you are recognizing where you are today, how you got there, and how you also don't want to stay there? In support. I've been there. It gets better.
(((((mj))))) and now you have a family to come and share it with. Grateful shared a pearl about our program....at 64 you may very well find yourself grateful for it all. Anger is normal in our disease. I hope you don't let it hurt you even more. Best to find and use a sponsor along with this recovery site.
For me I was taught by my sponsor the "opposites" because I don't do anger feelings well and I act out also sometimes putting myself in danger and making things worse. He told me that if I hated feeling anger then feel the opposite and get relief. The opposite of anger for me is acceptance. No I didn't like it and yes I hated it and I could accept the reality that it did happened not the morality of it and understand that it wasn't continuing (except in memories). When I learned acceptance of the fact of it all the anger that I had been abused by family and others and that I didn't know any better how to participate at that time went away. Now the tap root of my anger is often frustration with things and still acceptance and patience are the opposites.
I do think it is time for a sponsor,it seems like it is time to start writing,as my last therapy session I said my head felt like it was bubbling over with memories.I have a meeting tomorrow,now for courage to ask someone.
You'll be given what you need to ask someone to sponsor you when the time is right. You're doing the hardest part of the asking, you're willing and open to following through on the suggestion. Good for you. I had to ask two people to be my sponsor. The first one - a double winner - told me she was too selfish to sponsor anybody (she also went back to drinking at some point in the future). The second person I asked was pretty much my HP's choice for me. I wouldn't have chosen her on my own and she was a wonderful sponsor for me for almost 10 years. Then, I wanted to learn more and am now happily sponsored by a gal who has taught me so much I needed to know. I think my HP picked her for me, too. My point of all this is if one person turns you down, keep asking. There is a sponsor just waiting for a great gal like you.
I know that I am grateful for the anger these days and I'm only 44, LOL! Anger is a tool as is other emotions, you can use them to learn more about you and many emotions can motivate us to change or to look introspectively. As Jerry said, acceptance is key.
I recite this AA acceptance 'prayer' to myself on a daily basis when I'm feeling angry or resentful:
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life-unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake.
HUGS to you today!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Mary I am glad that you finally realized that you are a wonderful human being ,a child of God who has been believing false information for too long. I found Step 2 Coming to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity really helped me to let go of all the negative destructive false ideas that I held and set me free.
Sounds like awareness kicking in. When I woke up to reality, it was painful, I felt sorry for myself and my inner child or the me from my past and then the anger kicked in like how dare anyone, then it passed. I think its part of the learning curve. I had to learn to forgive the people from my childhokd, remaining angry and bitter only hurt me so I changed my thinking with alanon. I stopped looking at people as bad or evil and me as the innocent victim and I put people into reality and saw them as flawed humans who were aslo hurting and in pain. That gave me so much relief.
Gratitude lists help, stop looking at what you dont have, look around and within and make a list of what you do have. Theres stil, years ahead of you, make them good ones.
It hit last night,I was washing dishes,I started slamming the dishes and I started crying,I have been feeling a lot of things,really painful things and I have to say I deserve better than this crap!All of a sudden I realize I have believed the lies I learned from my father.He was horrible to me,he treated me so badly.I don't understand how my mother could think it was okay to live like this.I am sitting here at 54 years old,with nobody and in poverty because my choices were based on the feeling that I am less than others and that really pisses me off!
OMG, i can sooo relate to you....this post really rings a familiar bell with me...I am in poverty as well b/c of all the first abuse in upbringing which in turn made me so mentally/emotionally ill, which i perpetuated by marrying into abuse and drinking and other bad relationships and FINALLY in my 50's i get into recovery and I MISSED LIFE!!! well??? I am very pissed at times, too, but ya know?? i am gonna find joy and fun whenever and where ever I can and to H$$$ with anyone who tries to put me down ever again.....
.i so agree...it began with my childhood too....all the bad choices subsequently, they wrecked me and so i continued wrecking me , but there again....its OK to get pissed when I think about my losses, but i don't want to stay there ...i set a boundary on how long i allow me to get pissed..then its time to get off the "why's" and onto the "what's" WHAT can i do for me NOW?? how can i take care of me now???? what can i do to put out good energy to receive good energy??? we CAN change our lot in life, even if it is only marginal in this economy, but we can change a LOT in our heads....I became the new poor in the crash of '08....When it happened and i lost my good paying job, i just went basic..paid off everything , being frugal and when my brother died, i had enough to pay off the house and ALL debt....i keep debt down now, my ccard is now up to 2k b/c of some bad luck..stuff i HAD to replace and so i am paying it off...last night it was the dryer...i found a used place and got one for $250, machine and delivery charges....if this were summer, i would hang the stuff outside, but winter?? No!!! I feel the fear at times creeping in, but i just say "ok, i am ok today" and i pay it off little by little..just cut back on stuff i absolutely don't need and pay this thing down...Busy season is coming and its all going to pay off this card and put some away for the next disaster...This year was horrible in the way of setbacks.......i did it b4, i will do it again.......i hear ya about bad choices...and feeling less then....Oh i relate to that...but we are NOT less then anyone....we got dealt a bad hand, so we begin again....we can start over as many times as we need to......at least WE got into recovery to change....Lots of folks don't...they stay in their negative places and never move......
Keep working on you b/c you are worth it...The bad stuff that happened to us does not define us...we define who we are...What we are.....I tell myself there is nothing wrong with me, just what happened to me and therefore, its in MY hands what kind of person I can be...Now that i am healthy enough, I can make better choices, better social connections, etc....working the program, we CAN get better..Each day we are here, we get better....IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
As others have said, it's OK to be angry! Go with it and feel it and just breathe....
I remember doing the same thing. My dad (an alcoholic) told me that they should have aborted me and that I ruined his life and that my birth was the catapult to his pathetic depressing life. I lived with awful feelings of self hate and doubt and misery for so long until I started working program and realized that these were the words of a sick man. I realized that God wanted more for me, that he created me to be more, and that I could throw out the junk that my dad said and I could start anew. I had to work through a h*ll of a lot of anger, though, to get to a peaceful place. My dad passed away, three years now as of tomorrow, and I can actually say I miss him and I no longer have those angry feelings. I had compassion in the end and I know that the peace of this program has helped me get there.
HUGS to you, sweetie. You are in progress, but this will not last and you will get through it!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
