Aloha to you both and great that you had the courage to come here to MIP and raise your hands...we are in support.  Jim there are men at this site including myself you have been and maybe still are in the situation you are in.  We are in support men and women.  For me reading your post and Kspec's I understand that the disease of alcoholism has and continues to reach out and negatively affect everyone it comes into contact with.  I have made it my own choice to find out and learn everything I could about alcohol and alcoholism.  I was born and raised into the disease and my relationships were alcoholic because that is what I inherently understood.  

Your post reminds me of my own story...I relate very well from the beginning.  I also relation to your understanding and reactions as they were mine also until I found the hotline number to Al-Anon in the white pages of my local telephone book and called.  That is what I suggest...go to the white pages and under Al-Anon call that hotline number and find out where and when we get together in your areas and then come out and spend an hour or more with us in our face to face meetings.  You will find lots of literature there...some of it free and some at cost and lots and lots of experience, strength and hope.  Listen to the suggestion from the program and try to follow up as best you can.  We are not about perfection...we are about progress.

When I married my alcoholic/addict she was my second wife...my first was an addict and the relationship in between was alcoholic also.  All relationships ended in crises and chaos and then I learned that is how it is supposed to happen.   Our children together and from other marriages and relationship were also deeply affected and this too is how it is supposed to happen.

Alcohol is a mind and mood and physically altering chemical which when the use of it becomes addictive will result in the disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions and will never be cured.  It can only be arrested by total abstinence.  Alcoholism is a fatal disease and if not arrested will result in insanity and death.

I also went to college to understand alcohol and drug and the human system while going to Al-Anon; often on a daily basis.  First things first?  you've made contact with a very knowledgeable and experienced site...MIP...and this family knows and knows that they know from experience what this disease does.  We also know what it is like for you now and we have learned to recovery our lives and to live in sanity and happiness whether the alcoholic and addict are still drinking or not.   Keep coming back here and participating with us.   More are coming to add their ESH.    (((((hugs)))))

Hi fustrationshigh, and welcome to MIP. You have found a very supportive and compassionate family here who knows the pain of alcoholism and addiction. Alcoholism is a dreadful and progressive disease that affects not only the alcoholic but everyone it touches. I am so sorry this is happening to you and the children. It's so unfair. Then there is nothing about alcoholism that is fair. If you have not found the doors of Al-Anon fact to face meetings, I strongly urge you to go. Al-Anon can teach you a different way to life. You cannot help your AW, and to answer your question, not all alcoholics find their bottoms.

You did not cause your wife to drink, you cannot control her drinking and you cannot cure her, but what you can do is help yourself. Please seek out Al-Anon face to face meetings and keep coming back here. Let go and let God take care of your AW. You focus on taking care of you.

Take one day at a time and let go and let God.

frustrationshigh,

Thank you so much for sharing your story.  I could identify with so much of it.  It is scary when your sharing your life with an alcoholic, and you know that inevitably some of the fall out of their disease will fall into your lap (and your children's as well).  While in that situation, my first instinct was to save the alcoholic in my life from himself.  To do everything I possibly could to make him see the position that he was putting himself and his loved ones in.  Eventually, I learned that I couldn't make him see anything.  The disease of alcoholism is strong; a cunning trickster.  There were times in my relationship that I thought I had gotten through, that something I said, or some help I tried to give had made a difference and that finally we could move onto recovery.  Eventually I learned that I would have to walk ahead into recovery on my own, for myself, just like he would have to when/if he decided that it was something he wanted.  

The choices we are given in relationships that are shadowed by alcoholism are not easy ones, but with the help of Al Anon I found that my own recovery makes the choices much easier and less confusing.  I learned that I had no choices about him getting sober-my choices were to stay and protect myself, my assets, my emotional state, my mental state, as best I could, or that I could remove myself from the relationship and work on protecting those things.  Through the program I made the best possible choices I could for me, and I am happy.  I have bad days, as we all do, but overall I am happy and enjoying my life and all the new lessons that I am being taught while recovering.  

The biggest tools that help me survive on a daily basis is going to online Al Anon meeting, F2F Al Anon meetings and reading a lot of the Al Anon material.  Keep coming back here, we all understand exactly what you are going through and how scary, mind boggling, crazy making dealing with addiction is.

Hugs

Thank you all for the replies.  It really does seem to help just getting things out and although my situation seems to be unique, I know that I am, indeed, not alone.

Many of you suggested going to an al-anon meeting.  I did attend most of one meeting a few weeks ago.  I decided to go to one over my lunch break.  It's really the ONLY time my schedule permits it.  I've read where it's suggested to give 6 meetings a try to see if it's for you.  It was very, very, very awkward.  I really had no idea what any of the people were talking about and it did not make a lot of sense to me. 

Thank you all for the replies and support!  The comments I've highlighted below are ones that really relate to my daily life.

Debilyn wrote:

---

Welcome.

Someone on here said being married to an active A is like being a single parent. I sure can see that.

My experience is to make your and kiddo's lives revolve around you guys. The A will do whatever they are going to do. They are very sick and they are the only ones to help themselves. Trouble is to be truly ready for rehab or detox, they have to know in themselves in every way that they are ready.No one knows when that if and when it will happen. So no use looking to them.

Al Anon can help you to figure out your life, how to make it so you guys will be ok, and not bounce off the A's disease.

Daily child care  for all, cooking all meals,setting up routines for wash etc. Not expecting anything from A. This not advice, its my experience with living with an A. I loved him very much and was able to live with him awhile before his disease was too much for me.

You are an excellent dad. I am very sad your marriage is having a tough time. Its so sad your A is so sick. I got where all I could do was love him. We had no relationship at all. sadly he was brain damaged and is a mess.

hugs to you and kiddos, debilyn

---

 This is very, very true.  While talking to my sister-in-law, she said the same thing to me.  It really is true.  I am acting like a single parent.  It took me awhile to realize that because for many, many years before meeting my AW, I was a single parent for my son. 

cloudyskies wrote:

---

You did not cause your wife to drink, you cannot control her drinking and you cannot cure her, but what you can do is help yourself. Please seek out Al-Anon face to face meetings and keep coming back here. Let go and let God take care of your AW. You focus on taking care of you.

---

 This is exactly what I've been focusing on.  I was under the same blame from my AW.  Before I really educated myself on this, I think I kind of believed it a bit.  Boy would I like to go back and smack myself now that I know better.  I've also gotten pretty good at realizing when I need a break from things and do take the time when needed.