Thoughts on reestablishing contact w/ a--with given boundaries - Al-Anon Family Group

astallaslions · Veteran Member

Thoughts on reestablishing contact w/ a--with given boundaries

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I have had these same temptations, many times. I liken them to the temptation that an alcoholic has to go back into a bar. "I'll just have one drink," he tells himself. "I can handle it. I'll just stop after that."

Well, sadly we all know where that leads.

I also know that craving to make something feel more "closed" and resolved.

If they were capable of giving us this feeling, we wouldn't be separated in the first place. If they could talk or behave rationally.

The typical scenario is that first they do behave rationally, and we're so excited and relieved. And we get more cravings, and maybe feel close to them for a while again. And then their alcoholic behavior becomes apparent again. And then the chaos, insanity, pain, and agony.

I remember thinking, after one of these episodes, "If only I'd stayed separated from him, I'd be a lot farther along toward detachment and neutrality and happiness by now. But now I have to start again from scratch, with more pain to work through."

It's also important to remember that alcoholics will lie and say they're in recovery, or no longer drinking, or whatever, if it will get them what they want. And do you want to be checking up on him? Seeing if he's telling the truth?

The fact is that he won't go into recovery until he's ready, and that may happen years or decades from now, or never. So if you establish a boundary that he must be recovered for a year, that won't happen soon. But it will give him an in to try to convince you to see him anyway.

My experience is that we have to move on without our addictive substance (them). I remember the saying, "Recovery isn't winning, it's not playing." It's so tempting to try to be in touch again and "win." But not playing is what will really give us peace and serenity. That's hard earned and hard to practice, but new ways are crucial for our lives to change. I hope you'll keep on working your program. Hugs.

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

someone said to me "every time you contact him, it just boost his ego" . this helped me in my decision to really let go and not reach out for closure or anything else.. I NEVER got the responses I hoped for when I reached out before and the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.. with him that was exactly what I was doing.

I see that I was not in love I was addicted to the relationship.. it took a couple of years for me to "detox" or stop wanting to reach out.. but I feel strong and happy that I did "detox" .

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I'd say it's a bad idea for a number of reasons:

1. He needs to find sobriety on his own for HIMSELF - to have a life - to have health - to find God. If you insert yourself, yet again as the reason for him to be sober, that will rob him of coming to all those deeper reasons for sobriety and the sobriety will not stick even if he tries.

2. Alanon is about you. What is missing from your life that you either cannot give to yourself or that is stopping you from reaching out to others in ways to meet your needs? Sometimes people want to run back to the qualifier because they are scared to date, form new relationships, or even just form intimate friendships (platonic) to meet those needs. So if that is the answer, than it's not him you miss. It is intimate contact with other humans and the answer isn't to reconnect to him. It is to take positive risks for you and start getting more involved in social activities and maybe even dating if you are ready.

3. In my experience relationships that work are ones that do not require such colossal effort, terms, ultimatums, pleading and such in order to work. Find someone who is what you want and who reflects your positive traits, health, and outlook now. I wasted half my life pining away for people that were not healthy, positive, and goal oriented. They were not my match and I worked SOOOOO hard to get them to be and it was just utterly wasted. It was like I was trying to put all my partners through "Pinkchip's Relationship Makeover Charm School" or something and they didn't sign up or want to go. It turns out the person for me was already a graduate of that (imaginary) school. Who knew the answer was to date people who are what you want and who are compatible with you from the get go?!

4. After 6 months you are having the natural experience of forgetting the bad and missing the good. Imagine a closet with drama and chaos stuffed in - Then imagine you opening it and what will happen after.

5. If he finds sobriety on his own and becomes a better man and a man that is compatible with you (he knows what you wanted and why he wasn't it). Let him either come to you or not. Trust HP and stop trying to play God and force solutions under the guise of "closure." You have been closed because the relationship has been over for 6 months. You think most people have kissy face nice "closure" break ups? Good thing you believe you can even mail him without starting World War III - as ongoing contact in half my break ups would have caused LOL. Look at your motives and what "closure" really means to you. Is it inserting your will on how YOU think things should have ended or continued rather than what your HP actually had happen?

In sum, my thoughts are: Are you being willful here and interfering with his and your HP. Probably. Could I be wrong? Of course, so take what you like and leave the rest.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes, the longing is for a return to the way we felt in relationship to another person. It really isn't about that person. It's about experiencing those feelings again or that part of ourselves that we really enjoyed. We're projecting onto the other person that which is really within us and can be accessed with some work on our parts. This is kind of an elementary example but here it is: As a teen, my first experience with young love was filled with fun surprises like being greeted with poetry written especially for me by my boyfriend, or being handed a tulip snapped off a tulip tree or being told I was the most beautiful girl he knew. I felt cherished. I felt appreciated. I felt approved. I felt wanted. I felt happy. I felt loved. I liked those feelings. When we broke up I felt devastated, lost, lonely, unwanted and I didn't like those feelings. I wanted to feel all those positive feelings again and so I pursued him in an effort to re-establish the relationship we'd once enjoyed. It turned out badly for me. I know it was uncomfortable for him. The end to our relationship came because we weren't really meant for each other. When I divorced, I saw him again. I noticed that he had become a very self-centered, unforgiving and punitive person. And actually, that was part of what led to the end of our relationship. He was all those things when we dated in addition to being romantic. The other part was that I was dependent on him for the way I viewed myself as his girlfriend and also very demanding in the ways I saw that he needed to change some of what he did to meet my value system and insisted on that change. Both of us had contributed to the end of our relationship which actually was a classroom for both of us. When I met with him as an adult, I recognized how little I had ever really needed him to feel cherished, wanted, romanced, approved or happy. I could feel those feelings by doing things that were true to my nature and to my interests.

Looking outside myself for love, approval and appreciation puts my life and my wellbeing and happiness into another person's hands. Looking inside myself for ways I could express my love, approval and appreciation of myself and my life was a more empowering choice to make. That was the closure I was seeking although I didn't always know that. I needed to know that being dependent on another person for the way I viewed myself was something that needed to end. I needed to know that being true to myself and expressing that self in ways that I approved, appreciated and loved put the responsibility for my life right back into my own hands and that knowledge felt and still feels good - although I can still regress or forget that truth sometimes.

Flower49 · Senior Member

PC - After 6 months you are having the natural experience of forgetting the bad and missing the good. Imagine a closet with drama and chaos stuffed in - Then imagine you opening it and what will happen after.

Yikes, this may be a good point for me to explore. I too started getting hooked back into the process of simply forgetting all the bad, and feeling lonely without my husband, only reliving the good times we have had and I thought that was me moving into the forgiving phase of this mess, however, I did start seeing the forest for the trees and realized it was my own humaness that was being willful, it wasn't my HP guiding to the next road in my journey, the forgiveness path at all.

PC - In my experience relationships that work are ones that do not require such colossal effort, terms, ultimatums, pleading and such in order to work.

As you know trying to save my marriage right now is a colossal effort, however one thing I have learned is that I don't have to set terms, I don't make ultimatums and I certainly don't plead with my AH. I do set my boundaries, I am becoming much better at clear expectations in the form of things like "You bought your Harley 5 years ago and have not made a payment yet, so if you would like to continue having that luxury now that you are working, you need to make the payment", being direct, honest and clear worked, he can now proudly say he has made 4 payments all from his own hard work. I know it doesn't seem like much to most, but to him it boosted his confidence in himself so much, plus it took a burden off my shoulders. We had no heated discussion, no argument, none of it. That was a little ray of hope that maybe both of us are on the mend.

I wrote my AH thousands of letters when he first went to the 1/2 way house, the majority of them ended up in my God box. The ones I sent were simple nicetys such as how his dog was, things I did in my garden, etc. I learned from my counselor early on although I felt the need to let him know how much damage he did, it could hinder his ability to stay in recovery and although the urge to find some kind of closure to my mess and some kind of relief was so strong, it was much wiser to just detach and worry about my own side of the street. I stopped fueling the fire, I stopped clinging to a fantasy, I stopped my crazy reactive behavior and my life became a whole lot calmer, peaceful and full of things I could have never seen if I had continued on. She taught me how to stop living with excited misery.

I agree with PC, really explore your need to seek closure, if you haven't been with him for many months, no communication, then it has been over for sometime. Don't hurt you by opening up old wounds....grow yourself, love yourself and every day make sure to hug yourself. Continue to work a recovery program, look out for you and you will notice many small things change for the better.

mjferg · Senior Member

I have done everything imaginable to get my ex to understand what I needed him to do,the problem is,he has to want to do it,even then,The longer I am working this program the more I see that this relationship was addictive for me as well.I have found the best way to get over it in my head is to cut all ties with him and not romanticize the relationship,I decided to only deal with the truth and the truth is it was an extremely painful relationship.You said the break up was messy,mine was too,that seems to be the way break ups are.Instead of writing him a letter,maybe write a letter to yourself,make it about you and what you want,your hopes and dreams.I find I do much better emotionally when I focus on myself.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I once made re-contact with my alcoholic/addict later discovering that only one little reason why I did it was to give her another look at me and reconsider what she was missing...LOL...one of those times she introduced me to the new guy she was dating. Be careful what you ask for is a good rule to remember and at times works really well in helping me to decide a choice before I make a choice...What consequences are you looking for...do the plan to get the consequence you want. I also was given a response to use if and when the choice didn't work out...simple one..."Oh Well"!! and then be gentle and accepting with myself and move on to the next thing. When my elder sponsor taught me that I had to "move away from all things alcohol" I cried when I came to understand that it including my alcoholic/addict which was a huge awakening for me...I have rarely cried over anything so I knew I had work to do and would have to use the guidance of the fellowship to accomplish the task. She and I finally parted in love and as friends...for which I am soooo grateful and surprised. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 3rd of December 2014 12:43:22 PM

astallaslions · Veteran Member

Thank you. That was hard to hear, but definitely what I needed

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Ultimatums don't work. You are right, it sounds like a desperate fantasy. I believe many of us sure do relate.

honestly if he got sober, and was living for a few years on his own, then asked you out/he got clean becuz you made the ultimatum, did it for just you,which sounds sicker?

I am sad you are going thru this. The disease can make us crazy. He will always be A no matter how long his recovery is. We all need to be loved in spite of ourselves. Its not fair for anyone to say if you do this I will be your friend uno?

hugs honey, I do get where you are...

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

glad wrote:
someone said to me "every time you contact him, it just boost his ego" . this helped me in my decision to really let go and not reach out for closure or anything else.. I NEVER got the responses I hoped for when I reached out before and the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.. with him that was exactly what I was doing.
I see that I was not in love I was addicted to the relationship.. it took a couple of years for me to "detox" or stop wanting to reach out.. but I feel strong and happy that I did "detox" .

I am 100% in agreement with this post...there is no such thing as closure when dealing with an addict......I had to find that out the hard way......you never get what u hope for, at least i never did with any A's around me........the reason why i left/separated was b/c i was not on a level playing field.....and I, too was addicted to the relationship and yea, the chaos and drama was "excitement" and gave me a "high" that i am so glad i don't crave anymore........i like what glad says about taking a couple of years to "detox" or stop wanting to reach out.....HEALTHY folks i can reach out to.....the not healthy??? its just asking for more pain.......Just saying.......IN SUPPORT

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