Need some support - Al-Anon Family Group

Tossed Salad · Veteran Member

Need some support

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry you all are going through this. Most likely the bullying will escalate. Have you taken all precautions to be safe?

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

((Hugs)) to you. It is not an easy process. A lot of unknowns and that can bring stress. There are a lot of feelings to process. Looking back if I were to give myself advice, I would have reached out for support more. So I think you are doing really well posting on the board. I also would have reached out more in f2f. I think someone on the board said once ... "You will know what you need to know when you need to know it." Lots of love to you. You are not alone in the process

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I'm sorry you're having all of this stress. I agree.. there doesn't ever seem like a good time to deliver bad news. I guess if I had to go through the holiday with it as a secret I would feel even worse. It would be a lie through evasion for me. I don't what your attorney's motive was for having you not tell your husband. Your attorney's intentions may have been in your best interest. I do understand though how you could just end up telling him as you have. When I went through my divorce my attorney reminded me more than once that it was "business" from this point on. He wanted me to leave emotions out of it. I wasn't very good at doing that but believe it was good legal advice.

The slogan first things first comes to mind after reading your post. I always feel a need for more Alanon meetings and calls to my sponsor when I'm experiencing big changes in my life. I also become more aware of how much i need the guidance of my higher power. I wish you the best in putting plans in place to hold onto your serenity as you take this change one day at a time. TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Tuesday 2nd of December 2014 11:09:06 PM

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I also agree with PP. If I had known, I would have went and got a safety plan in place earlier....it was like doing a fire drill. You may never have to use it, but if you do you will know how to respond not react.

Kerrymom · Senior Member

It still amazes me how similar situations can be and the manipulations the alcoholics will use. Sorry your going thru this I have asked my AH to move out after the holidays, foolishly thinking he'd see the reasons why! What in the world was i thinking! So much manipulation now. Trust your gut and your lawyer - it seems A's don't fight fair or are beyond the capability of it. (((hugs)))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Stick close to the fellowship and your HP. Ask for help from your HP and you will receive it. This is a situation that is bigger than you and in my experience, its exactly the kind of situation that HP loves to enter and guide one according to the 11th Step.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree...stick close to the fellowship especially your sponsor as I hope you have one. Expectations? One of them for me was to expect that my alcoholic/addict was a human being with personal thoughts and feelings as I had so with my sponsor I learned not to take offense and to the best I could with what I had available including program, legal support and my Higher Power. Expectations that things (divorce/settlement) would not come out perfect helped me a lot because they didn't and still I lived thru it. I had built a value system of being fair, honest and just ...for me and I clung to that. In the end my inventory was a good one and I was done without residual crap attached to me like a Velcro jacket. I actually returned to loving her unconditionally with no reason to be married to her which was what I should have been feeling and thinking when I met her and then I didn't know snuff about alcoholism then...hers, mine, ours. Go into your value system and review what it hold dear and follow it...actually sounds like you know something about that now. In support (((((hugs))))) smile

Tossed Salad · Veteran Member

Thank you all. It always help to hear that we are not alone. I know my HP is driving this ship and I have to stay hopeful for the future...and for having happiness again! I am just dreading the logistics that have to happen to get there.

AH has been textbook in his actions/responses. I guess that is a good thing so that I can be ready for it. I need to stay positive for my kids and not allow this to put a damper on their Christmas.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

That is a lot. Does not matter the time of year or anything.

ONE day at a time. I invite you to get a journal or a tablet,whatever, put the day and date on top. List all you have to do that day and that day only. then what you want to do. Happy something.

Same every day. Make each day as you want it to be. If it goes funky that day, it does, cont on then wake up the next day.

I was in a horrible pickle. thank goodness no kids but a huge sanctuary of animals. The day at a time saved me big time. Also Letting go and letting God.

Still after all these years it is one day at a time.

that was awful of him to take all that money. This is what always makes me say, put money aside, and take half out in your own account.

Take pictures of all what you have date them. I don't know if your state is half and half, but show he took all your money and did not divide it, then ask for it back from the selling the house of his part.

I sure would stay in the house till it is sold.

You can see by how others are on here, that the best way is no contact at all. Let attornies talk or a mediator. Many states have volunteer mediators. Check the D.A.s department.

hope you keep hanging on to us here at mip. We care!

chatz · Newbie

Oh my......we are in VERY similiar situations although its been 19 months and our only place of safety and security is going into foreclosure. Its devastation at its finest. My heart shares your pain . My strengths truly lie in these 4 children but any words of explanation to them as to why their father and his entire family of aunts and uncles have shunned them and havent spoken in 6 months...no return calls...texts...emails ??? Its a truw form of punishment. Ended reunification efforts without any reason and its everyone elses fault. I try to focus on the good in each day and that there is always something to be thankful for. No call on Thanksgiving...no call to his son on his birthday who has done absolutely nothing but be precious and innocent?????

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Truth wrote:
I also agree with PP. If I had known, I would have went and got a safety plan in place earlier....it was like doing a fire drill. You may never have to use it, but if you do you will know how to respond not react.

Agree!!! put a safety plan in the works...hopefully u don't need it...document everything he does, so he doesn't win custody...kids don't need an active A as custodial parent....start gathering proof he is unfit.......sorry u r going through this.....keep hanging onto alanon tight...see a domestic violence counselor because bullying qualifies as abuse and it does, often, escalate....physical abuse usually is after they do the bullying thing.....just make sure your ducks are in a row...hang onto alanon tight...do you have a sponsor?? a trusted recovery mate???? are there meets near you???? now is the time to get esh from as many folks as you can b/c the ride can get rougher b4 it gets better.....so sorry about this.....sending you lots of support and good energy.....I know its hard, that is why i mentioned a sponsor and meets to help you keep your head calm so that you can get centered w/your inner higher power............Good luck and sending lots of support

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