The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As my AH sits in our home, not paying mortgage since June, I still wonder if he feels lonely. He has been saying passive aggressive things to me that hurt my feelings and then I feel guilty about leaving, and guilty about his dog being sad when we leave the house. He isn't clear about anything...getting a job or selling the house, etc. so, I just wish I didn't worry about him. his situation really is sad. I have to look inside myself and be strong and realize, he is choosing his own pathway in life. I have chosen to move on. I cannot allow his words to hurt me. Tomorrow we are meeting with a realtor, and hopefully he will agree to sell the house so I can avoid a foreclosure on my record. I have to try to sell this house, I cannot be a doormat. But the realtor told me " of course he doesn't want to sell it. Why should he when he can stay there for free?"
I fluctuate between hating him, feeling sorry for him, resenting him, worrying about him. but, I am also handling him differently and using Al Anon tools like not responding to what he says...just acknowledging it and moving on. I have to remind myself, winning an argument can be just not engaging in one.
my first priority is selling the house, then I will serve him divorce papers. I am prioritizing my actions. Trying not to let my feelings take over. Just moving ahead with what I need to do.
Thanks for listening
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Tuesday 2nd of December 2014 05:46:36 PM
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Tuesday 2nd of December 2014 05:47:08 PM
(((NLG))) I get it. I've been there, too. That emotional roller coaster of thoughts and feelings in relationship to my x. There was a time when I thought I needed to stop caring and then I got to the place where I knew I would always care - just differently. Even today - after divorce and later his death that happened 13 years ago - I can think of him and remember something he said that made me laugh or remember something he did that scared me or remember something he suffered and how it touched me. Going on with your plans to take good care of yourself takes courage and commitment and caring about him is normal and natural, too. We didn't marry them because we wanted to divorce them and they weren't as sick as they become as the disease progresses when we first married them either. It helped me to keep turning my x into God's hands whenever I thought about him or felt strongly in relationship to him about something. When we give ourselves to someone, I think there is a part of us that we never get back totally. I can't explain what I mean by that. I can only say that has been my experience with my x. Its as if a part of me is still with him and a part of him is still with me. Our kids have something to do with that for me, too. I can see the cleft of his chin in my grandson's face. His frame, feet and hands are my daughter's. The way he carried himself is the way my son carries himself. Be gentle with you, NLG. It's not easy to do this moving on thing. Sending you loads of hugs and encouragement.
Thank you. I totally understand what youre saying. Just the other day my daughter gave me a look and she looked exactly like my ex husband. I have 2 men to deal with. Ugh. I played a big part in all of this. But i have to be strong and do what needs to be done. I know he and i are never thinking the same way about life. Its sad.
My suggestion would be go to meetings, extra meetings, work the steps, they work in so far as helping you see the truth of who we are and with that comes clarity, it takes courage to honestly dive inside but it put everything into perspective.
NLG - To me, your post could pretty much be summed up with 3 words: "I am codependent." I am saying this not to insult but rather to simplify and congratulate you because it seems like you came to this realization and just wrote all about it but not in those simple terms.
You care too much...I used to say that too. Reality is, you care too much about a sick person and not enough about you. Your caring instincts are out of whack and they need healing, have been healing, and are slowly getting better through the program. You are gradually letting him go and focusing more on you.
I do suspect that "caretaker" is a trait that is engrained in your being. It is both an asset and a defect because it probably makes you a caring person and good at your career and a great mom. Unfortunately, in relationships, it backfires. Your AH doesn't follow caretaking suggestions/advice and he resents them. He also knows that caretaking terminology and will strategically turn it against you to throw daggers at your most sensitive areas because he knows how to hurt and guilt you and he knows this trait is a way to reel you in but also insult and demean you to the max. He begs for caretaking and then bites the hand of the caretaker. Drama you don't need.
So it's not that you care too much in general. It's just that the way you care about him is sick and you let your caring instincts go haywire and it's hurting you with relation to him. Not everyone you care about brings you pain. Pretty much it's in relation to this relationship and maybe romantic relationships...
It may be true that you care too much about others and not enough about yourself (in terms of balance) - but that doesn't mean care less about others - It just means care MORE about you. It does take practice putting yourself and your HP as #1. You've been playing mom and wife for most of your life and now it's scary to figure out the meaning of life with just NLG. I know you are doing martial arts, alanon, and some healthy things that are moving you forward. If you weren't doing some of that, you would never have even moved out and gotten this far. Growth is painful, but you are reaching some good insights.
Remember, in all 12 step programs, people are trying to change things about themselves that are their default dysfunctional ways of coping. It is very challenging to change parts of you that are that deeply learned/engrained patterns and ways of responding. You can and are doing it though - slowly. If you changed over night it would probably be fake anyhow. Keep trudging forward!!!
Thanks PC! I just read your reply. I've been a nurse for 24 1/2 years now. So it is indeed in my nature to care for others. I am still on a roller coaster with AH. Yesterday i felt empathy, today not so much. He is difficult to deal with and I get emotionally drained. I am doing things to take care of me at work, too. I am done trying to please my coworkers. Ugh...that's another story. There's a lot of codependency that even goes on between my coworkers...like one charge nurse will only ask certain people to do things, and not another person because she knows that person will get mad. Crazy. She takes the easy way out. Anyway...thanks for your help. I always appreciate it.
When we look outside ourselves at others faults we miss looking at our own, my sponsor said, for every finger I point at another then there are 3 more pointing back at me so for every fault I see I have 3 that need attention if im to be the person I want to be. What changes do you wany to see in yourself? Or is it only changes in others you want to see? These questions have really helped me and still do.
