i can't seem to get away - Al-Anon Family Group

alexmaui · Veteran Member

i can't seem to get away

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a tough one that I can see is tugging at your heart strings. You acted lovingly by moving away in an attempt to find peace. As I was reading this a question came to me for you? What are the highest loving actions you can take here for you? When I am invited in to clean up emotional, physical or spiritual messes, I say "no thanks, they know what they need to do and I could muddle it up". Take care of you and love your life. (((Alexmaui)))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi. Good to see you and your avatar again. Since you are still legally married to your AH, I'm wondering if you can have some influence on his being placed in some sort of assisted living situation if his mind is that far gone? Social workers in the hospital might suggest that to you? As far as cleaning his mess - I think you're fighting a losing battle. You can clean it and he'll return to it and repeat the mess.

This is a no win situation based on my own experience with my Dad's senile dementia/alzheimers. I quit helping to clean his house because it was an exercise in futility. Once he was put in AL, there was no need to clean it anymore. Nobody lived in it. He couldn't go back to undo everything that was done to help his investment (and after his death - my sibs' investment) and there didn't seem to be a real pressing need to clean it until my family decided they wanted to sell it. By that time, the house had lost a tremendous amount of value because my Dad also had refused to pay out money to maintain the home and my POA brother didn't want to walk over what my Dad wanted and his need to have a decent place to live until he died. I did practice a fourth step to look at my motives for not returning to clean a sick man's house and recognized my need to take care of myself and that taking care of myself included not driving long distance to do for my Dad what he'd undo until he couldn't go to the house anymore.

The assets from the sale of the house didn't mean as much to me as my own health mattered to me. It also mattered to me that my Dad be placed where he could get the 24/7 care he needed so when my sibs wanted me to agree to my Dad being moved from my brother's house where he stayed temporarily doing the same thing he was doing in his own house back to his house, I said I wouldn't help that move happen. They were angry with me but I couldn't see sending an 83 year old stroke patient with dementia back into a two story home in a rural area to fend for himself. My motive there was to consider the reality of my Dad's mental and physical state and to refuse to do what I knew was a death sentence for him in a short amount of time without anyone to care for him and to administer his necessary meds and monitor his food intake and comings and goings.

I don't know the age of your husband but based on his condition as you describe it and the condition of the house, I did want to share my experience with a person with similar thought patterns for a different reason than alcoholism.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Great share, Grateful...I had not even considered this aspect of it. So, true, he may be beyond the place where he is able to care for himself. Checking out other options for his care does seem to be necessary and, since he is in the hospital, the timing is perfect. This forum is wonderful for this sort of dialogue...

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

dear one I am probably jaded. I have not seen anyone with an A they left in the home ever get their money from the house. A's Behavior usually sucks us dry.

I just hate to see someone expect, or need, and see a possible sad outcome.

I invite you to think about refi ing now and get your part of the equity etc.

If you want to I would just hire someone to do it.

I am sad he is so sick. hugs

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I think the sister and friend have got a cheek, if they want the house ckean the they should clean it, in my opinion. There is no way on hell I would do this. Its enabling if you ask me. If alanon teaches us that to clean up the mess helps the disease continue then how can we go and clean up the reality his disease is presenting him with. I mean if he comes home to a clean house then the idea that oh well I wasnt that bad can take hold. His drinking has consequences, the state of the house is just one of them. This could be his bottom, how can anyone know and I would be thinking it is wrong to step in and interfere with that. Also, if I were you I would question my motives, if its about the house and your return then maybe this is not the time to deal with the issue. It may need to be addressed at another time, it seems to me this is a crisis and these can be turning points. If it isnt then maybe dealing with the house thing is the thing to do.

alexmaui · Veteran Member

Thanks so much for your share, all of you. It's so nice to know there is a place to go to vent. It's hard to make in person meetings with my schedule.
You've all helped and sent me things to think about including ideas I hadn't thought of. blessing to you all.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

You're on target Alex. Your post suggests at least to me that your choices are in line and your detachment is working. Don't know where you are with your own program and the suggestions and tools. MIP is a great tool and for me not as supportive as face to face co-working the program. Good luck. (((((hugs))))) smile

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