Prayers my friend This is indeed a difficult situation.

I might see it as a wake up call to get a job and get some income of your own rolling in. I know home schooling is important, but I think you will feel infinitely better when you have some control over your own finances and can produce income to live off of.

Kenny I like your take on this, LOL. Wouldn't he better reclaim his manhood by getting out there and putting new effort into finding new customers, resolving issues with current customers, etc? And, of course, he claims he's doing me such a big favor by taking this off my plate. Mind you, I've never complained once about paying the bills or handling the budget.

And, Mark, I know that I need to work. I just spoke to my friend who had delayed our working on her book together and we are meeting next week so she can finally get all the pieces of the puzzle to me. Now, I can finally start working on her project and start testing my fortitude for balancing a job (albeit part time) with full time homeschool mom and chauffeur extraordinaire!

I think, if I do go back to working a job outside the home, I will have my son do online schooling through K12. The only issue we'd have is that he is doing so well with his math tutoring that I'd hate to give that up for him. They are a special school for kids with learning disabilities and have gotten him up to the point where he is finally starting algebra! He's very proud of his accomplishments and math is finally starting to make sense to him. I could never teach the way they do, they just get the LD stuff better than I do. All his other subjects I can handle at home or on a virtual school. I know there are options and I know there is an answer. I'm just not feeling it today because AH has been all over me bugging me about passwords, sending me spreadsheets filled with drama. He claims we'll be completely out of savings by April. I'm a banker/broker by trade and I know for a fact that is not even close to the truth. So, his paranoia and 'woes me, my financial situation is going to suck forever' doesn't fly with me. I am doing the best I can to NOT blow right now....seriously....

He may be but he's right. The finances are in bad shape and I'm the one who put us there to some degree. I bought a car, we had to get the pool fixed if we ever want to sell this house (cost 10,000$$), and I have been very lax in my spending on clothing, shoes, and non-necessities.

As for speaking of this within earshot of my son; that one just p*sses me off. He has no filter on his mouth, none.

You all might think I'm crazy but I think this financial control thing is his way of trying to make nice and get back in my good graces. He keeps saying that he's helping me and taking this off my plate and that he won't get on my case about any spending, etc. I honestly think he wants back in the family, he doesn't want to move, he doesn't want to lose his comfort zone, he doesn't want to have to cook for himself, clean house, etc.

Well, whatever the motivation, I'm just going to keep plugging along but still take it one day at a time!!

Well, as Paula says, it's a manipulation of some sort. Exactly what his motivations are you will likely never know, that's most of the reason for manipulations, so you don't have to share your motivation, you just want something done and don't want to share why. And with a sick mind, howto get there is twisty and turny and rarely ever rational.

Remember, you aren't the crazy one. You aren't the one damaging your brain. So you are the only one whose gut you can trust. And then once you have trusted it you can move on and not care about it anymore.

Good post!

Kenny

Ooooooooooo. Control of the finances. Big issue to navigate especially when alcoholism comes into play. We all know that an active A's thinking is not generally known for its good orderly direction and that is a fairly easy thing to remember when considering what he might be thinking inre your accounting skills and attention to financial details. His opinion of you is his and may come out of his progressing disease? So, it could be one of those QTIP matters for you?

On the other hand, one of your shares seems to shed light for me on how you are thinking about your own handling of finances and it wasn't a glowing report on yourself from your perspective. So, are you upset with his thoughts about your financial wisdom and application of it or are you upset because you might have some doubts about your past handling of the accounts to include debits and credits and therefore feel defensive? Perhaps Step 4 will help you reduce the amount of time you want to spend in a hot car screaming with the windows up in a parking lot?

I don't think his wanting to record expenditures daily in the register is that big a deal. The bigger deal for me would be an active alcoholic handling the finances, my self-doubt and my fear of what might happen now that he's got all the control of the finances.

 

 

When I heard the last word of the second step ..."Sanity" I knew I had arrived at the right place.  People under the influence of drugs and alcohol...both the user and the family arrive at and into insanity.  This realization was a big part for me reaching acceptance and compassion and empathy for the alcoholic/addict and our family and for myself...If alcohol is involved nothing is in balance.  When I stopped and started to learn how to self focus and understand my part in it and then detached and kept my hands out of her part and trying to force and control her to change and fit into the form I thought was the right form my insanity started to decrease and I became responsible to and for me.  I had to learn how to break away from the disease and use the program to inoculate myself from it.  Finances? Geeez  just one part of the problem we had.  It changed when I changed.  Alcohol affects the mind, the body, the spirit and emotions...I will never forget that because alcohol and alcoholism is still present in my life and always has been.  Grateful for the program and MIP.    ((((hugs))))

I understand this all, Andromeda. It does make perfect sense to me. And might there be some new ways that your HP might like you to communicate with yourself and with him than you have been used to doing in relationship to him? Recently, I went through some FOO stuff that was very upsetting to me. I just didn't know what to do about it and felt frustrated. I was sitting alone doing whatever it was I was doing at the time and this little question bubbled up: "Why are you being so passive?" I answered that question. I then did something I haven't done in relationship to my sibs and the concern at hand. I realized that I needed information to feel grounded and I had been waiting on my sibs who had more information than I did to give it to me. Of course, they didn't and they wouldn't because it didn't matter to them how things affected me. It did matter to me how things affected me. I talked things over with my sponsor who said something that I wouldn't have considered on my own. In listening to her, I realized that I could obtain the information I needed on my own and although my sibs could become angry because I didn't follow the party line, I would still have the information I needed to feel safe, secure and in control of myself. Amazingly, after I acted on my own behalf, I received a call from one of my sibs apologizing for not communicating with me. It came totally out of the blue and surprised me only a few minutes after I had acted on my own behalf in a new way. It no longer mattered to me that my sib called because I had what I needed thanks to my HP's help. My sib's call was simply icing on the cake for me.

I couldn't ever trust my x or any other active A I knew or know to have anybody's best interest at heart. They didn't have their own at heart.  I would have loved it if my x considered me or our kids but he didn't.  He couldn't.  Not as long as he was an active A.  He could look good at times.  He could sound good at times.  In the end, his thoughts all went to how he could keep all the finances to himself, me under his control, and my kids and his friends feeling sorry for him while he drank, smoked pot, partied and probably had affairs.  He was so sick, he'd actually hide fresh bread from us until it was 2 days old.  He wouldn't eat 2 day old bread.  Of course, living with it every day, this way of life became my normal.  Fortunately, the sick behaviors heated up enough to propel me out of that warm pot of water I was sitting in and propelled me into freedom before I was boiled alive in a life destroying relationship.  I had to get out of that pot and wouldn't have done it without the heat that got turned up quickly at some point on me and on what truly was a toxic life. 

Maybe your plan to divorce him will come sooner than you've planned, Andromeda?  The more heat, the better for some of us.  Nobody has to live with anybody if they've gotten to the point where they can't stand even the thought of communicating with them.  You deserve so much more and there is more, Bonnie.  There is so much more.

 

 

Bonnie, I don't know your situation intimately, yet, there were a few things that came to mind.  A game can't be played unless there is a co game player. It works for me when I withdraw, spend some time coming up with solutions that will work for me and live from there.  And I know how difficult that is with a person acting crazy.  

That gives me a bad feeling, that he has this new e-mail address to which he is getting statements sent.  This sounds as if it might be a time to get legal advice on assets.  I know people trying to hide assets away is often a feature of a pre-divorce period.  It's normal to be concerned about finances, but the goal should be to be fair and square.  Of course with a dysfunctional A in the picture, the odds go down.  Hope you'll protect yourself.  Sounds as if you're definitely alert and pro-active.

And, drumroll, please......

I disengaged, turned over the bills to him, and he's already bounced a payment and blaming me!

UGH! He paid our cell phone bill via phone payment like I always do but didn't check the checking account to see how much was in there to make sure he could pay the whole balance. I always check, always. He blamed me because I had the payment set up to go ACH instead of on a credit card payment but the system asks you if you want to use the checking account on file and gives you the last 4 digits of the account.

Lesson learned. Of course, he is now using this as fuel to prove that paying everything by check is the way to go. I have to admit that it was very hard to be humble and to be quiet. I really wanted to just say, "See, not as easy as it looks right?"