Hi everyone, I hope this finds you all well.

I have been reading a lot of your posts but I haven't been posting much, just an occasional reply. I have had a lot going round and round in my head and haven't really had anything usefull to say.

It has been almost two months since my Father In Law has passed away and almost the same since I let my husband come home. He is still drinking and still not working, but I felt home was where he should be, we have been dealing with things as a family.

His Mother is still on her couch and has been since after the funeral, she has been very down, had some physical problems and a month after my FIL passed her best friend passed as well. Believe it or not I feel very sorry for her and her and I have a sort of truce. I have been trying to do what I can to make this time a little easier for her. Don't know why, I just feel it is the right thing to do.

My husband is over there every day, doing things around the house for her. He chose to deal with his Dad's death by picking up the things his Dad used to do over there. He will not speak of him at all and gets angry if his Mother speaks of him or cries. A few times I have told himm to leave her alone, let her grieve her own way, and cry if she wants and he snaps at me that I don't even like her, so why am I saying anything. My youngest daughter has gotten into the habit of stopping over there, My MIL likes to tell stories about when her and my FIL where young and my daughter loves to hear them, it makes them both happy, so I have been encouraging it. I am trying to stay out of my husbands grief and letting him find his own way.

He still is drinking and trying to hide it, the day after I do let him know I know but I have been keeping my comments mostly to myself. mainly because I don't know what the answers are. When he does a rehab program or even AA, the kids and I seem to be the ones who suffer most. We end up the punching bags and he keeps all the money. Telling me that AA is a selfish program and he is not supposed to worry about us only himself. I know it is the way he views the program, but for now the kids and I are doing ok. When he truly decides to work a program maybe it will be different maybe it won't, I don't know.

Before my FIL dies my husband had been denied unemployment. His Dad had aked if I would write the appeal at first I said no, but he continued to ask, we came to an agreement and I said I would. I did do it after he passed away, as I had said I would and I am happy I kept my last promise to him. The appeal was won and the unemployment has made our lives a lot easier. I have used the money to make repairs on the house, pay up bills and by my daughter a used car. It is like I am driven to set the little things right and at leaast get things running smoothly. After that whatever happens will not be as difficult.

I have just been sitting back and not fighting for the first time in many years and letting things happen, and as they do, taking the openings. Life has been easier, but I am waiting for the other shoe to fall.

The really strange part is that I had fought with his Father for so many years, and maybe I should be relieved that he is gone, but I'm not. I never thought I would be saying this, but I miss him very much. I miss our arguments and I miss his advice, much as I didn't take most of it, but every now and then I did. I find myself talking to him often, and I have made my peace with him, and a part of me knows that he had made his with me. The guilt is gone.

I don't know what the future holds, but I am not afraid and I am not angry, no matter what, I am sure that everything will be okay.

                                       Love jeannie