Is it my fault like he says? - Al-Anon Family Group

Cynthia66 · Newbie

Is it my fault like he says?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. Alcoholism affects both the host of the disease and those who love him. Isolation is one of the ways the disease affects us. Because we are isolated, the disease can do its steady blaming, controlling and manipulating us without interference. We suggest attending Al-Anon meetings for people who love others with drinking problems. The program is for us and not for the alcoholic. Generally, Al-Anon phone numbers are listed in the phone book in the white pages. You can call the number provided for a list of meetings near you or seek that assistance on-line at the World Service Office (WSO) for Al-Anon. We also offer on-line meetings here twice a day. The information about those meetings are at the top of this board in a yellow box. It is suggested (except in cases of abuse) that newcomers not make any major changes in their relationships for at least six months of consistent meetings. At the meetings, you'll hear stories similar to your own. You won't be expected to speak if you don't want to do that. You will find help and hope there if you keep an open mind.

One of the things we learn in Al-Anon is that we didn't cause the drinking. We can't control it or cure it or the alcoholic either. We also apply those 3cs to what they say and learn to pay attention more to what they do than what they say. We also learn to refocus our attention on ourselves and allow the drinker to experience the consequences of their disease.

I do hope you will seek out the support of Al-Anon meetings. Keep coming back here, too.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcoem to MIP Cynthia ,

Alcoholism has been classified by the AMA as a chronic incurable disease that can be arrested but never cured - You therefore cannot be at fault for his having a disease. His actions while drinking are all on him as we are powerless over others.

This disease affects the drinker physically, emotionally and spiritually It affects the partner in he same manner. AA is the recovery program that is most affective for the alcoholic and alanon has been founded to help the family recovery from the devastating affects of living with the insanity.
You did not cause this, cannot control it and cannot cure it so that the best you can do is to learn how to thrive, rebuild your self esteem and break the terrible isolation that is the result living with alcoholism.

Alanon is a world wide fellowship of members who once live as you are and connect at face to face meetings to develop new tools to live by and support each other as we regain our self esteem and learn to act and not react

Please search out the meetings and attend

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Cynthia, and welcome to MIP. You are among friends here who know the pain your are living very well. To answer your question, NO, absolutely NOT, his drinking is not your fault. You did not cause him to drink, You cannot control his drinking and your cannot cure it. Alcoholism is a dreadful disease that progresses over time. He drinks because he has not choice. The disease has a tight hold on him, and it affects everyone it touches, not just the alcoholic. What he does have a choice over is whether or not he goes into recovery. I tried for over 14 years control my ah's drinking. It doesn't work. I became a very broken person in the process. I hit my bottom before my HP led me to Al-Anon. This has served as my life preserver. Al-Anon has taught me a new way to live. You cannot help your ah, but you can help you by learning how to focus on you.

Please check out Al-Anon face to face meetings as soon as you can. The first Al-Anon slogan I learned and came to love is "Let go and let God."

Take care of you, Cynthia, and please keep coming back here.

((Cynthia))

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Cynthia and welcome to the board from Hilo, HI. Glad you are here and hopeful that you will stick around and listen and learn from those who know where you are at now because we were there then. There is sooo much to learn to have faith, hope and trust in and if you listen with an open mind you will find help. You got the suggestion of face to face meetings and staying with the board. Al-Anon has tons of very useful literature which you can get at the meeting or on line...it is ALL ABOUT the family of alcoholics and what the disease does to us as it is doing to you. Guilt and shame, insane accusations and false blame are all part of the abuse not to mention the physical and spiritual abuse either. I am a former Alternatives to Violence Men's case manager and I'm sitting here hoping that it doesn't start if it hasn't already. Mental and Emotional abuse is very often more damaging than the physical.

When I got into the program I had already experienced the emotional and mental and verbal abuses which were very difficult. I had a wise program sponsor who I took the concerns about the verbal, emotional abuse to who then reminded me that "Sticks and Stones can hurt my bones...and words can really hurt you"?? I was letting them hurt me because I was taking it all serious and personal and then stopped completely...They are just words coming from a debilitated and very sick alcoholic. Once I got the "STOP"!!! part learned the next lesson was QTIP...Quit Taking It (her) Personally...it wasn't all about me as the alcoholic/addict wife was trying to get me to believe. When he gets you to believe it then the disease can get you to continue it on your own...carry it into the future with out him. Let it and Him go and find a power greater and larger and more powerful than alcoholism.

Please keep coming back cause this will work when you learn how to work it. (((((hugs))))) smile

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. I support all that the others have said. I just wanted to add something since it sounds like you have a pattern of relationships with abusive men. I am sorry for these experiences that hurt you, this is not what you deserve. You are worth more than this treatment and al anon will help you value and nourish you. Keep coming back.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Cynthia66 wrote:
I moved here to him & it seemed to begin after the 1st month, and here I am 4 yrs later. The alcohol is terrible. He drinks till he passes out but gets right back up and goes to work the next day. All that wouldn't be so bad other than I worry so much about his health. But the verbal abuse has me thinking I am nothing. I truly believe all the bad things he says about me. Since moving here I have and am working but I go no where outside of work and home unless it is with him. I feel like if I do I will be punished by coming home to him drunk. I try to keep the waters calm so to speak. But I am at the point of leaving.....but I cant get the thoughts out of my head that he constantly blames me and I don't have the confidence to walk away and he refuses to get help......

Oh Cynthia, so sorry to read such a sad and familiar story....yes, the disease of alcoholism is nothing to do with you...you didn't cause this...you will never control this and for sure you will never cure this...there is no cure for alcoholism, just management and that is with daily AA work and being sober.....you just got in the way of the hurricane...that is all......what a disappointment!!! I can't say much except to tell you how sorry i am and are there any alanon meets near you?? the folks there can help you get into the program and learn how to take care of you....when the alcoholic is abusive its nothing about you....its all him and his issues....maybe he hates himself deep down for being an addict...maybe its issues about his past he is taking out on you...who knows??? but noone should live w/abuse.....any kind of abuse in unacceptable...it breaks the victim down over time.....I do hope you can get into some meetings and find out that you are lovable, acceptable and you have a good purpose here in life.....if he refuses help, and keeps refusing, this will get worse......sending you SUPPORT

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I didn't have the confidence to walk away until it got so miserable I didn't care. Then suddenly I started screaming that I let my now Ex-A ruin my life and I moved all the way across the country just because he wanted to... There was about 6 months of brutal verbal arguments and screaming. I held in a lot for a very long time and then it exploded - That was all the result of me staying in a relationship that I knew wasn't good for me and doing it purely out of fear. I let myself get treated horribly and became depressed.

Is it your fault? NO the fact that he drinks is absolutely not your fault. Your reaction is on you though. You have choices about how you respond and you can get to alanon and start working on developing skills, self-esteem, a support network, and a belief system will allow you to have faith and hope that you currently may be lacking.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome to MIP- you're in the right place and I'm glad you found us. I can relate to your post and your confusion regarding what action to take. Alcoholism is a very powerful, cunning, and baffling progressive disease whose mission is to destroy everything in contact. When you hear the verbal assaults and when you find yourself paralyzed and unable to move towards safety, it is because you're listening to the disease talking. The disease takes hostages and it's not personal... but why I was listening to the disease for so long is another story that I'm still sorting out- I always had choices, but didn't feel empowered. Alanon provides the support and skills needed to improve our situation. I have found the most efficient way to work the program is doing the steps with a sponsor, attending meetings, and coming here to MIP. Keep coming back- this program works!

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

Lies are a huge part of alcoholism....

As I look back I believed lies and didn't even consider if they were true or not..

If he said I was insecure. I felt sad and I began to read books on how to not be insecure (many other insults as well)... as if he spoke it and I believed it and let it become my reality, and eventually I did feel insecure. At least you recognize the alcoholic is not right! Good for you, your not too far gone. I was and it almost killed me (really).

I'm so much better now, but it was a long hard trip to get here.... please don't ever let someone else define you, especially someone who let's a beverage / drug control them.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

glad wrote:
Lies are a huge part of alcoholism....

I'm so much better now, but it was a long hard trip to get here.... please don't ever let someone else define you, especially someone who let's a beverage / drug control them.

Oh I LOVE this, and also, read what Jerry says about alcoholics, anything they say is NOT real....but what glad here says "Please don't ever let someone else define you, especially someone who lets a beverage/drug control them" OMG.....Glad hit the nail on the head.....who are THEY to define US???? like they don't even SEE their problems....and thats what life is like w/an alcoholic.........i also liked what Pinkchip said to you......how you respond to this is on you....You gonna accept this abuse???? OR take steps to take care of you and do what is right for/by YOU????? you can't help what he is and does, but you can help what you do.....PC is right....the response is on you.....You are aware and that is the first step....its hard...I know....Ive been there /done that, but we do have a choice as to how to take care of us and what we will accept and not accept and respond accordingly......you got a load of good feedback here....I do hope you embrace alanon and take your power and your life back...........IN SUPPORT

-- Edited by neshema2 on Sunday 30th of November 2014 06:06:21 PM

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

I have attended alanon ftf for two + years. Mostly listening and absorbing the wisdom.
Reading on mip all i could also. I had two different therapist both told me i was fine. I had
Issues but my marital problems were not about me but my dry ah. Both advised i leave
Him. I stayed and kept going to alanon, that was the best thing for me to do.

Alanon Helps you get out of denial, not be isolated, be honest with yourself,set boundaries ,
Learn about self care and self love. Work toward finding your HP strength to give you
The inner strength to grow and change even if the alcoholic stays the same. Then make
Your choices,my ah asked for a divorce and left, so that decision was out of my hands.
He was on his second aa gf.

After ah left my real healing and journey had begun it has been 4 mos. It is very hard to heal
if you are in the midst of emotional and verbal abuse. Our Marriage had became toxic,
we had 18 good Years 11 bad years. I will remember the good years and hand over
the 11 bad years Over to god. I will have some very good memories of us happy and
Working as a team together and the good life we had. Not the bad it turned Into.

I will be on this journey for some time to come lots of healing and growing to do. I am
58 years old this is not where i planned on being but this is were i am. God has other
Plans for me. My ah has his own HP.

-- Edited by Mirandac on Sunday 30th of November 2014 02:46:24 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.