The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Im a bit numb and a bit sad and a bit sorry for myself and at the same time im fuming. This drama and chaos is not welcome in my life. I never invited it. I feel like moving away to an island, no kidding. I dont like being a mother right now. Who says this is what weve got to put up with just because we gave birth a long time ago? We dont, I dont want to anymore. Im supposed to feel all nurturing and concerned and loving, well I dont. I feel like screaming in his face, have you made the connection yet? Drinking for you equals chaos and loss, has it clicked yet? I feel moderately agressive and dont want to speak to him right now as its not his fault you see. I need to go up the hills and scream and swear, really swear and throw rocks. Thanks for listening.
-- Edited by el-cee on Wednesday 26th of November 2014 05:22:34 PM
I so understand LC I am glad that you came here and shared . I do hope that the rock throwing was beneficial and please remember that wrapping your son in a lovely warm blanket and handing him to HP also works.
I learn how to tantrum all over again when I got into recovery and got the permission to do it also as long as I didn't harm myself or others. I was asked if I remembered how I did it as a young lad and when I said I did I got the permission to do it on purpose. 15 good seconds and an accessible safe place, my best tantrum language and jumps and kicks and arm pumping and head bobbing and when the 15 seconds were done...stop...straighten out my clothes, sneak a peak to see if I had frightened hell out of any one (apologize...not explain) and then get back into my life. It always worked and was much better than kicking the crap out of the person, place and thing I was upset by. Go find a safe place sister and exercise the tool. Good luck. ((((hugs))))
I have felt the same way, el cee. I didn't want what was. I wanted what wasn't. I stormed inside, too, and I let my HP know exactly what I thought about everything and everybody. Then, I yapped at an old timer who suggested acceptance. I wanted to yap at the old timer, too. In fact, maybe I did in a typed sort of way. When I was done emoting, I got quiet. Sure enough, acceptance was the solution to the problem. Just like he told me. But, I still had to do the yapping and the struggling, and the petulant prayer making and the damn it all any way - ing. Once that was all out there, I could hear the guidance and surrendered to the wisdom of acceptance and a prayer of gratitude for the peace I felt and the fellowship members who helped me help myself in getting there. So, wail away, sister, until its time for surrender and acceptance. Some of us get there quietly. Some of us get there kicking and screaming. Doesn't matter how we get there - just that we get there.
The maternal role warrants respect, particularly from the ones we bought into the world. I dont beleive stepford mother is called for when children fail to apply that courtesy our way.that is pure societal nonsense. Wishing you strength,love,and the peace that passes understanding.
Does not sound like feeling sorry for yourself. Sounds like feeling worried and angry at your son and this disease. Normal reactions, but you are powerless. I don't hear self pity.
