The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Beautiful share, Mirandac. I like that you will be meeting with someone educated in pastoral care and counseling who also has personal and professional experience in addictions. The more work we do on ourselves, the more our true selves can bubble up to the surface of our existence.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 22nd of November 2014 09:28:19 PM
Thank you both. This is so much more hurtful phase of The divorce getting near the end. Facing the reality And having interactions with my spouse. We tend to Skirt around each other but that does not help our Problems.
We still have massive baggage to deal with But on Gods time not mine. I can not make my AH Deal with anything. i hope for his sake he is grieving Not stuffing his emotions. It is trully the ripping of flesh When you have been married this long and you were once One flesh. We had 18 good years we worked as a team.
And 11 years of bad marriage due to his issues.
I am starting to really enjoy the feeling of my HP being In charge not me and to trust the process. God will take Care of me but i need to keep helping myself.
-- Edited by Mirandac on Saturday 22nd of November 2014 09:47:03 PM
You will get through this....it is painful, yet, I don't hear that you are avoiding it. There is peacefulness that I sense in you in spite of the chaos. I heard something the other day that I loved... "out of chaos comes creation".
I will be in the same boat soon. You can only take care of you so you sound like you are doing the best you can to get the help you need and to move forward. Step forward in faith and all will be well as long as you trust your HP (God). Hugs, Miranda. This is a tough place to be but I know that I will keep in mind that it won't last forever. Every phase we go through leads to a new phase and eventually will lead to growth and newfound confidence in self. HUGS!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Hey Mirandac, sounds like you have a good plan here.....and i like the civility you display....all business....keeping it civil....and , I , too see a sort of peace/acceptance in you
its tough ending a relationship even if it is the best thing for you...its still tough....i like your approach....just wanted to say I validate you and support you.......nice post!!!
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Hi miranda, it sounds like you are open minded and alanon would give you exactly what you need pkus you get a support network and regular hugs. I suggest face to face alanon meetings.
Thank you all for your support! I do attend alanon ftf i have been going for
two + years and I have a sponsor. I find right now i really need my hp and
God more for my inner strength to Keep going forward and stay sane. I
have done massive healing since ah Has left our home just 4 months ago.
Getting away from the emotional and verbal abuse was really necessary for me
To Begin my true journey.
This journey with my ah being dry but not Sober is very difficult one. If he was active
you could just point your finger and say thats what this is all about. Instead
it is all the mind games about control and his unwillingness to work on our marriage.
He has broken every vow and the Very sanctity of our marriage with his actions
and behaviors in the last 11 years. He seems to have no remorse. Right now he
Is an unrependent adulterer. I can not change any of these issues, he attends AA
So maybe in the future he will face himself and deal with his problems. I have
Handed him over to God's care. i have forgiven him and he is Gods problem not
Mine to deal with. That was a huge weight lifted off my back, it is not my job to
Seek vengence. That in itself was the most healing thing i have done so far.
Divorce care really helps with so many aspects of the process of divorce. I can
Not say enough good about it. Its like a 12 step but its God based recovery program.
Its okay to mourn,grieve, be angry,hurt, feel your feelings. God loves and accepts
You as you are. You are a child of God and so is your spouse.
I don't think you need him to talk about "us" or "your baggage" or "issues" other than the divorce. If those "issues" were gonna get talked about in a civilized fashion, that would have happened already. So Miranda, I would do my best to focus on resolution of the divorce and not finding out any info on "why?" or "what's going on with him?" or any of that stuff. You already know he's been sick and incapable of having a healthy and happy marriage for 11 years. From here out, you are either going to find out information on the financials and business end of things or not. The task is to let go more and more and not expect him to respond as a healthy, caring husband any more. If you have to communicate about stuff and he is nasty with you, hang up and say you will talk when he can be civil. At the same time, don't bring up issues about the marriage dissolving. If that was going to be resolved or worked on, it would have happened already. Of course he's going to get a nasty tone (not that it's right) when you bring that stuff up.
Thank you Pink you are so right. The mediator told both of us we
Has many unresolved issues to deal with. We both were projecting
What the other one thought or would probably do Because we had
Not talked about any of these financial issues over.
i have a good lawyer looking out for me and my interest. I do not
Expect my ah to now start to act honorable with good intentions.
He seems incapable that anymore.
But right now I need more inner strength to get through this
Divorce. The pain and hurt is increasing not dissolving, i feel
Like my heart is being torn out of my chest. Sorry to be dramatic
But that is how i trully feel.
Thank you breaking free i appreciate your support. I wish it was
Less painful and i know i will be in a better place when all is said
And done.
I wish in some ways i could change the past. Wish i started alanon
30 years ago. Had good solid boundaries in place not put up with
His stuff.
He has been dry our whole marriage i thought we had it beat. Wrong
Thinking on my part. I accepted too many things as they were. I
Tried very hard to be a good wife and partner.
Then things changed when he had to be around all the time. He could
Not face life on life's terms. King baby was in charge now. He wanted
Total control and took my power away from me. In ways that was very
Underhanded. He no longer was my husband anymore but someone
I did not like very much and was no longer a giving caring man.
Sorry to go on but i am having a very hard time right now.
That for me was a very difficult journey made a whole lot more acceptable with the lessons of staying in the moment...getting out of the future and the past and in the moment only. I didn't project or fortune tell. I turned all of the past and all of the future over to my Higher Power and just remained in HP's presence and influence. I killed my expectations as suggested by sponsor and set up my tent "in the moment". That works when you work it. In support (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 23rd of November 2014 05:23:09 PM
Sounds wonderful jerry. I do feel my hp and am starting to trust him to
Lead me in the right direction. I did it about thanksgiving just did not worry
About my plans and today a friend invited me over. I am still at the experiment
Stage on my trusting outcomes to hp. When i think about lack of my own will i get
A little nervous but will keep moving forward and trusting God.
