The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
These last few days have been really hard. I finally have divorce papers in my hand, ready to have AH served. I just have to call a process server because I've decided not to have anyone I know serve him the papers. the papers are giving me flashbacks of when my ex mother in law handed me divorce papers from my first husband. I thought it was really tacky and hurtful. So, I am reflecting on my life with AH and trying to see if there's any hope left. I called him last night to see if we could get together and talk. It failed miserably. We just ended up arguing on the phone.
I am also feeling depressed because holidays are coming up. I am trying to convince my brain to be ok with this whole process, but having the papers in my hand feels so final. I am feeling defeated by life. I thought it would be a certain way, and it keeps changing into something else. I guess I need to be more flexible with the plan HP has for me.
I just know I have to try and save my home from foreclosing, I am asking for it in divorce papers so I am hoping I will be able to sell it. Nothing has changed. Now AH is getting unemployment so he tells me he doesn't want to get any minimum wage jobs since he can get unemployment instead. I don't think he is really trying to get a job as hard as he could. So, I have to accept what is going on today. Nothing is changing. He tells me the number one issue he has with me is my anger. I try to explain my anger has mostly been due to his drinking and just not being present in the marriage and family life. It caused me a lot of pain and resentment because I was doing the majority of the household chores and taking care of the kids.
I am feeling lonely and confused. Working the program can be hard when I have feelings that take over, and they are hard to change.
I'm sorry, Newlife girl. I can only offer hugs and cyber support from here for you! You are a strong lady and HP's plans are perfect for you. Just keep doing the next right thing and keep God close. HUGS!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I do understand where you are coming from. I got my papers by certified
Mail but your ah might not pick his up. It must be Awful to have to face all
this financial unpleasantness at the same time. Also him being a hoarder on
top of everything else that Would push me Over the edge. That is a disease
In it self never mind the alcoholism. Hang in there one foot in front of the
Other. Lean on alanon and other supportive people and groups as you can
To gain your inner strength. Your HP is always with you loving you.
I sure relate to feeling defeated. I've been there a lot lately!
I was talking to A the other day, he is living with his brother now. So he started telling me how he wants to get out of his brothers place soon...the reason being that he doesn't want to get a job and feels that as long as he has unemployment and can pay a share of the rent and bills, it is no-one's business what he does. "If I want to sleep all day every day I have the right to do that and I don't want to live with people who look at me funny or make me feel bad about it". Which is certainly true, he can do whatever he wants and it was nice to hear him be honest about his lack of interest in working but in the same breath he wants to have his own place where no-one makes him feel bad....that isn't achievable with no job and no income other than unemployment....
Anyway it's nice that it isn't my problem anymore, I don't have to worry about it. He wants what he wants, he doesn't owe me logic or sense now. It's wonderful to be free from it.
I know it's more complicated when you have joint property and finances, I am lucky that we never owned anything together. But he owed me a lot of money and I have just let go of it now and that feels good too. I did all of the household chores and paid for pretty much everything throughout most of our years together. What I gained in return was the knowledge that i don't want to do that ever again. I miss him horribly, especially now that we are apart and he's being sweet and funny and agreeable all the time. It's confusing but I know if I allowed him back into my life as a partner I would be right back to doing all of the work, paying for everything and hating his face 99% of the time.
Anyway hugs. I hope this lonely unhappy time passes for you sooner than later.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thanks everyone. Mirandac: the papers have to be served to him personally by someone 18 yrs old or older. It must be the law in California. The person can drop them at his feet if he refuses to take them.
Missmelis: I can relate to how you feel. I feel lonely, but I know if I get back together with him I will feel angry and resentful again. My daughter has been crying and asking if we can move back into the house with him. I had to explain to her why we can't move back. There are many reasons why we can't live with him, but I feel so sad when she wants her parents together. She agrees that she doesn't like seeing us fight, and now she doesn't see us fighting. I am also waiting to hear about a new job, but I also have mixed feelings about that. My mind is all over the place.
This is a difficult time for me also,I finally faced the truth about my A and ended the relationship.I was thinking, why does it have to coincide with the holidays!!and that made me mad,now I have to deal with all these emotions at a very emotional time of the year anyway!I was not happy about that at all.Some days are harder than others. I try to look at it as a new beginning and I realize that what I know is very limited, maybe God has a much better plan in mind for me!As far as the holidays,I was thinking about going out to eat with my daughter for thanksgiving,but she wants to cook,so we are going to cook together and make the best of it,I think that will be good for us.
Mirandac: you are right about the hoarding. He is getting rid of some stuff, but he has a long way to go. I ignored these red flags when we were dating. When he points out issues he has with me, in my mind they are minor compared to his issues. That's a big problem we have, our respective issues are completely different and that's what makes us incompatible.
NLG, I'm so sorry. I very well know the feelings of defeat. Please lean on your Al-Anon f2f group for support and come here often. You are not alone and these feelings are temporary. They will pass. Take one day at a time and focus on you. Probably the more you try to explain to your ah the reasons for your anger, the more wrapped up in his disease he's going to become. There is no reasoning with alcoholism. It's a very selfish, self centered, self absorbed disease.
((NLG))
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
You don't sound defeated. You are just making extra sure this divorce is what has to be done. There's nothing easy about calling a marriage quits. All I can suggest is to pray and meditate because thoughts and feelings are going to be difficult, confusing, and painful no matter what. Moving forward is going to be about your spiritual growth.
I get what you are saying...I felt exactly the same way especially when marriage #2 went "south" felt defeated, angry...I thought i was a total screw up...bad choices one after another...i was thinking of giving up......all the investing i did in the wrong people hurt like hell and took something out of me, lowered my self esteem, even tho they were just not healthy people and i needed to make the break , it was still investing me..my time..my effort...for waht??? another divorce.....i hear ya...and all i can say is that one time my sponsor told me its like sitting in the dentist chair and your getting a bad tooth pulled...at first you are resting, recovering from the shock to the body, then you got this big hole, but eventually it heals over and you have new growth in the area, hole fills up and you notice NO MORE PAIN....like its over....probably a crappy analogy, but I hope u see what i am saying...
you are NOT a failure...it takes guts to make the changes you needed to do to make your life better......it takes a lot of moxy to make the changes you know you need to do......your not defeated....this is a bad chapture closing and new, good chaptures await you and alanon program will show you the way.....just hang w/us and the meets, making healthy connections, and life will get better...the more you put into YOU now and YOUR happiness now, you will see that life CAN get better.......I am sorry all this is on you, hope u can save the house......one thing at a time...one day at a time......IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thanks everyone for the support. It helps me a lot to come here and talk to people who understand. Cloudy, I agree. It doesn't help when I try to explain to him what my issues are...he just turns around and says "I know. Everything is my fault." Even when I try to listen to him and ask him what his goals are he says "what do you care? You threw me away like garbage." It's the poor me act all the time.
I am already sick of the holiday commercials and ads. Makes me sad. But I can't wait to see my older kids when they come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Unfortunately, I have to work on the holidays, but we can celebrate the night before. Ugh.
I see you doing what you see needs to be done - hard as that is. It helps me when I'm going through loss to look at at least 3 gains I've received as a result of the loss on all levels to counterbalance the negatives with the positives. It doesn't mean I'm not experiencing loss, it does mean to me that every goodbye is also a hello. Helps me to avoid going into a deep depression as I did many years ago following the recognition that my marriage wasn't healthy and I needed to move on and him out.
Sounds like his response is confirming once again that he's still in the same old place.
I get where your daughter is coming from. If only we could have those great relationships that we want. If only we could. But when we pick the wrong people, we can't. She's not old enough or sophisticated enough to say "If only he could be emotionally healthy and you could both work on your problems and issues, and he could learn how to be part of a real family..." So she says, "If only you could move back in together." But the stuff about emotional health is what she means. She doesn't mean "If only you could fight and suffer and I could desperately try to win his sober attention and we could both be hit every day with the pain of being ignored in favor of addiction and dysfunction." But that's what would happen if you moved in again, with him un-recovered.
Hang in there. One step at a time. You're making your way.
Well-said Mattie. The kids are so innocent in this mess. I moved out because I wanted to put them first, not my AH. They deserve better, and so do I. I miss the loss of also not having a healthy marriage, wishing it was normal.
Thank you for that idea Grateful.
