Advise needed for strength... - Al-Anon Family Group

jmc · Member

Advise needed for strength...

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Do you have a face-to-face meeting? We get sucked into the insanity that surrounds alcoholism - that is what you are experiencing and I'm sure everyone on these boards has been in the same position. So we need our own recovery. We get that by learning all about alcoholism and our powerlessness over alcoholism and everyone but ourselves - BUT that this doesn't mean that we can't lead serene and happy lives. We can do that with the tools of Al-Anon: the Steps, the sayings, the support of face-to-face meetings, online support as here, the literature, and a sponsor. It doesn't happen in a day but it can and does happen every day. Those things mean that we can love the alcoholic (or not, as the situation merits) but not let him take over our emotions and reduce our lives to turmoil.

{{{{Hugs}}}}

SunshineGirl · Senior Member

Hi jmc

I found that once I took my focus off what AH was doing and put it onto myself, I found a lot more peace.

Face to face Al-anon meetings were a big help. I heard such common sense spoken there. I learnt the tools to run a healthier life.

Sadly A's will do what A's will do. It is the disease following its well worn route.

Turris · Member

Hi Jmc,

I'm glad you've found us!

Do you have some sort of activity or hobby that can take your mind off of your worries? I find that, although talking and going to groups is essential for me, I also need the twice/thrice weekly exercise or language class or outing that will give my brain some space from it all. Something that is so intense, you simple don't have the time to think about anything else. If I continuously sit around and think about my problems/worries, they form a vicious circle in my head. It's difficult to examine the problem objectively, if you are too close to it.

'Hugs*

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Jmc))))),

I have done the same as you, worry about AH and what he is going to do next and when.

Then one day I asked myself the question 'why is this upsetting me so much?' I took the drink out of the equation, which meant that I stopped battling with it, I stopped trying to find ways to make it go away. This created some space for me to think about what it was that I needed? I started from the point of view that I needed to take care of my own self esteem, and at the time I know that I wasn't doing that very well! I started to tell my negative thoughts to 'stop it!!!' and then I would try to do something every day that I felt proud of.

I gifted my husband with the freedom to do as he wished. If he wanted to drink he could. If he wanted to stay away from home he could. What he could not do, in my humble opinion, was sleep in the same bed as me when he smelt of alcohol or insult me. I would not get in a car with him if he had been drinking. I also gifted myself with integrity about my own actions, to the best of my ability. This meant that if a situation made me feel uncomfortable I walked away from it. I prefer to be in places that are peaceful. In a way I started to treat AH in a way that I wanted to be treated myself, with a bit of respect and autonomy. If I needed a hug I asked for it. If I was bored of listening to his self pity I apologised and said "I can't listen to this right now.' I tried to be honest without being rude or mean.

I am not sure if any of this was right or wrong in the bigger scheme of things, but it helped me to stay calmer. I think it also made it difficult for AH to take his frustrations out on me which, I think, led to him taking more responsibility for his own actions and behaviour.

It has been the hardest thing I think that I have ever had to do. I am someone who values consideration of others and it was difficult to see a lack of that in my husband. It undermined my values I think, so eventually I had to look at that as well - could I really thrive in my current situation. When the answer has been no I have stepped away and changed my circumstances. I do not ask my husband to change but that doesn't mean that I don't make my own changes.

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi jmc. Please read el-cee's post of detachment with love. There is no bargaining with an alcoholic, and alcoholics cannot make promises when it comes to alcoholic. Alcoholism is a powerful disease that affects not only the person drinking but also the family and friends of the alcoholic. If you have not found Al-Anon face to face meetings, please seek them out and go. This group can help you find you in all the chaos and focus on yourself. You did not cause him to drink, you cannot control his drinking nor can you cure it.

The first Al-Anon slogan that I learned was Let go and let God.

Take care of you ((jmc))

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Great responses here to your post. I will re emphasize the attendance to al anon meetings, this is where you will gain strength to choose how you want to live your life. Take care of you.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

JMC - I think what you just did is the best way to protect yourself. You utilized Alanon and reached out. If you can do this in Face to Face meetings - even better. There is no easy answer and your serenity and peace is going to evolve through a process of change using the program and the fellowship (sponsor and steps also ideally). It sounds like a difficult and uncomfortable spot you are at, but it also sounds like it's where you need to be right now in your recovery. You voiced your emotions pretty clearly and are talking about stuff that has been bottled up for years. Please be kind to yourself and give yourself credit for even reaching this point in your recovery. Just keep coming back.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. I understand seeing your AH's inability to stop drinking as a rejection of you and your marriage. Yet, alcoholism is a disease we didn't cause, can't control and can't cure. We also can't help the alcoholic "see" what we want them to see when we want them to see it. It doesn't work that way. They see it when and if they do and get help for it when and if they do. The lying is part of the disease and you can pretty much bet on the fact that while he is using and not in a program, he is in denial and not capable of being honest with himself - let alone you.

The disease isn't personal anymore than diabetes or cancer is personal. It is what it is and though we can't "cure" the patient, we can get the education, support and tools we need to deal with the disease's effect on us and to learn what we can change what we can. Al-Anon meetings will be a great resource for you to get the help you need. Keep coming back here, too. We've experienced and thought much of what you are experiencing and think.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

We learn here how to take care of us and not be a cop to our A. The alcoholic is going to drink, what are you going to do?

We stop saying anything about it. We can live as is, learn skills to live as best we can with them, or we leave.

No one has the right to tell another how to live. He drinks, you have a choice to stay out of it or fight.

We learn to love them no matter what. It can be done. His drinking at this point does not bother him. His disease makes him crave it stronger than water. He may truly want to stop but he can't so then he is set up to fail. Feels guilty and uses more.

Vodka, whiskey, wine, beer does not matter, its all alcohol. He just may get drink quicker with vodka.

For better for worse. sick or not. I loved mine so very much I was able to live with him longer than because I was blessed with the MIP family. I learned skills, looked at him as a person not as his disease. He still drank, but it was NOT my issue. I loved and enjoyed him as best I could. If he lied, he did. I loved him.

I don't feel it is my responsibility to tell another adult what to do. He has integrity too, he is not a bad boy for drinking. He does not do it to hurt you. Its not personal, it is a disease.

Meetings will help you, come here, meetings here and a chat room. We love being here for you. hugs

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

PP wrote:
Great responses here to your post. I will re emphasize the attendance to al anon meetings, this is where you will gain strength to choose how you want to live your life. Take care of you.

I agree with Paula, here, and also pinkchip.....you reached out..that is a great start.....i know when i go to meetings, and get with other family members of alcoholics, I can level out..not feel alone......focus on ME and not any alcoholics.....I divorced my 2nd and i am not going back to it, but i do have a brother who is active alcoholic whom i am very close to...he is my best male friend and drinking himself into the grave.....to detach i fellowship at meets or tel/cons w/recovery friends and i get back focusing on me.....oh how many times have i heard "oh i will cut back" but that doesn't work....#1 an alcoholic cannot keep promises and #2, cutting back does not work....they crave it , and will do anything (lying/stealing/conning) to get that alcohol.....i am glad you reached out here......please keep coming back......OH!! if you can't find face to face meets which really are the best, then online meets are available here every day.......the more experienced alanons can guide you how to work this program and maximize your recovery.....the bottom line is we need to focus only on us....detach from the alcoholic in that we let them do what they gotta do..don't help them, don't rescue them, if they get arrested, let them reap the consequences of their deeds, we just DONT interfere in their business b/c our business is taking care of us....alanon showed me the way...It will you....please keep coming back....you are not alone .........sending you support....

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.