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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> it doesnt get any easier
Post Info TOPIC: it doesnt get any easier
Theoceancalls


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it doesnt get any easier
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Welll. . Its saturday nite. My daughter is not home tonight and my ah claims to be on his way home. Which for him on a saturd is pretty unusual. Hes typically out doing his thing. Its been a rough week. . Long story there but the last few days have been down right tense. He is in chronc pain, tryong to drink less and basically our marriage holds on by a thread even on good days. Lately its all. . Me. . Im "not interested, dont do enpugh, have turned our daughter against him (shes 10). . " and the list goes on. Oh im "aloof and elitist" too apparently. I own all of it to an extent. . Im willimg to say that. . Ive lived this alc marriage for 15 yrs. . It doesnt get easier. I just keep detaching and needing less from this marriage andapparently disconnectng and he keeps reacting. . Not in the form of abstainting from alcohol mind you. . And yes, im sure our daughter isnt as connected to him as many daughters are to daddy, and sure i have rubbed off on her. But he forgets, hes the one who is out two/three nites a week and doesnt keep promises and takes off with little warning or consideration. So surely he has some ownership in his relationship with our daughter. . But right now, im to blame. . So that said, the idea of him posdibly coming home in the next hr. . Having had a "beer or two"&our daughter not being here frankly has me anxious and dreading his arrival. What a lousy way to feel 16yrs into marriage and one wonderful child in the mix. Im gping to try to stay quiet and to myself when he does come home if he does, but he will probably be looking for an argument and when that happens hes good at brining out the painful words and character attacks. It doesnt get easier. I try to detach, to let go, let him live his life but its no way to be married. Eggshells and detachment are hard compainions in marriage. Our daughter not being home will make the chasm between us stand out like a sore thumb. . And im usually the target for blame. .



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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi The Ocean Calls It is not unusual that when the non drinking partner begins to become healthy and use healthy tools the non healthy one keeps screaming do not change-- Change back.

You have used your tools wisely and I do understand the concern.  Why not come to the on line meeting tonight and also join the chat after .  You will be enriched and supported.

 

Morning Meetings

Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST

Sat. - Sun at 10am EST

Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.

Night Meetings

Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time

Sunday 7PM eastern time 

Please remember there is alway Faith , Hope and Prayer.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Theoceancalls


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Thank you. I might. Can you remind me how to access the meeting and the chat? He did just call, and is on way home.seems ok. . Maybe he will fall asleep and i will join in the mtg and chat. . Just tell me how adms ive never done it before.



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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Debilyn


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Nope hon it sure does not. Maybe soon you will reach a point of rather to live in a camper on your pick up than live another day with this kind of life.

I know you hurt for daughter too.

So what is it you get out of it by staying?  hugs hon, debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Theoceancalls


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Thank debilyn. Right now what i get is that i dont share my daughter with anyone. She home under my roof and care each and everyday. She has her dad when he us available and he has us when hes avialable. I know it doesnt sound like much but i cant bear custody and visitation. Not now. . .



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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
cloudyskies


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Hi Theoceancalls. BTW, I love your name. I love spending time near the ocean. It's so peaceful listening to the waves. I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with HR. If you are not able to attend f2f meetings, then please try the online meetings.

Take one day at a time and take care of you.

((Theoceancalls))



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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-
bud


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When I am feeling particularly difficult moments, it helps me immensely is to lean into the program for support and keep stepping up my program. Talk to other alanoners, work with a sponsor are great ways to not isolate and to feel supported. Nothing changes if nothing changes comes to mind. Please remember that anyone around him will eventually get blamed because it's the disease speaking and nothing personal. Left untreated, the disease destroys and ends in either insanity or death. The day that I was finally, finally able to stop listening to my active A's horrible horrible words was the day that I started to find myself and start to rebuild my life again. Sending prayers.

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Theoceancalls


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Well. He did come home. . A few beers in but not bad. He spewed some garbage , i stayed quiet. Mad decent small talk and he fell asleep. Phew. Serenity. For now. Thanks for the words and tlc.

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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
el-cee


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You always have choices.you can leave the room when he starts the abuse, go for a walk or a bath, door locked. You dont have to listen to abuse, there are ways to just quietly nip it in the bud. I had to do it with my son, as soon as he started with the blame, I said, im sorry you feel that way, then, if you continue to speak to me like this I will leave the room, then I did if I had to. I just stopped listening, then he followed and stopped being abusive. I was amazed how obvious it all was.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Listening to abuse or blame, the usual alcoholic tactic of not taking responsibility, is basically condoning it and is like taking the blame hence he feels better to keep on.

The way I saw it was, everytime I let it go, let him go on and on without taking action, I.e. removing myself from the room, it got worse over time. He saw me sitting there taking it as testement to him being right, of course its all your fault in his eyes if you take the blame by being present, listening to it. Take yourself off, let him feel the full effects of his guilt and discomfort, it belongs to him. He thoroughly deserves those feelings, hes earned them. Letting him blame you by being present takes it away from him and could be enabling.

Freedom is in your hands.

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milkwood


~*Service Worker*~

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Hello Ocean,

Is there a nice hotel or spa that you can take yourself off to for a night or two? I'm not sure how that might work with your daughter but I know that I had some good (clean) fun while showing AH that I could enjoy taking very good care of myself if he didn't want to be around or participate in the good things in life.

It is not your fault and, IMHO, it is not ok for you to keep hearing someone you love saying that it is. However much we know it is rubbish, it still stings. Soothing balm and big (((((hugs)))) to you.

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pinkchip


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Agree with elcee.

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grateful2be


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There was a time after being so beaten down by the disease that I truly couldn't act in my own behalf. I didn't want to make any changes that could interfere with my dream of having two happy kids, a loving husband, or a comfortable home - all the things I believed would make me happy. I kept taking abuse and it kept getting worse. I didn't share with anybody except two parish priests what was going on in my home and they just sent me back to the abuse with the question "What do you do that makes him abuse you?" and the reminder that I was married for life - in sickness and in health. It took a really horrible night with A that my 3 year old son saw to shake me out of believing that if I just stayed faithful and doing what I knew to do to be a good wife and mother, my A would change and I could salvage what I'd been taught was the best dream any woman could set her sights on at the time. Reality was that my kids weren't happy, my A wasn't going to change - just get worse, and my home wasn't comfortable, it was hell. Had I been actively engaged in Al-Anon at the time, I may have been able to see what I needed earlier and to garner the support I needed to act in my own behalf. Even separating from him was motivated by my care for my children. I couldn't see that I counted, too.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
missmeliss


~*Service Worker*~

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I found it helpful to be "too busy" when I knew there was a high chance he was going to rant or moan at me. Wearing headphones helped as well; I would shake my head and say "sorry, I'm listening to something, we can talk later. It helped me re-train myself to really believe that my time and well-being are valuable and I don't have to waste them having someone else's bad feelings dumped all over me. Suddenly having to walk the dog was also good. Listening to all of that negativity is so draining.
Hugs to you, I hope the rest of your night was peaceful!



-- Edited by missmeliss on Sunday 16th of November 2014 09:44:25 AM



-- Edited by missmeliss on Sunday 16th of November 2014 09:53:01 AM

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
neshema2


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hotrod wrote:

Hi The Ocean Calls It is not unusual that when the non drinking partner begins to become healthy and use healthy tools the non healthy one keeps screaming do not change-- Change back.

You have used your tools wisely and I do understand the concern.  Why not come to the on line meeting tonight and also join the chat after .  You will be enriched and supported.


 I agree with Betty...as I got healthier, my toxics fought me more...like changing bad patterns within me, the more i worked to change, at first, those patterns fought to stay, but i am not giving up...same as people...my family out and out attacked and undermined my recovery b/c they wanted their coda sickie back...well?? i told them to have a bon voyage party for that coda b/c she is leaving and I am replacing her....i ended up just going my separate way....i don't do drama and chaos anymore....i walk away....just me.....keep working on you..Your in the right direction.......and as Betty said, they have good meets here..............take care....



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