The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
...that the A will be in denial, and that we will always be tempted just to 'explain' how their addiction is damaging so they will wise up.
I can see that A's never wholly lose the temptation to drink - constant vigilence is necessary - and I never lose the temptation to tell my A how harmful his actions are.
A friend had hired my A for a big event, and my A was excited about the opportunity and was hoping it would turn into a regular thing. Particuarly as he recently lost his job. My A has never been unprofessional on the job that I know of. He takes a lot of pride in his work.
But my friend reported with surprise and puzzlement that my A had completely fouled up the job, baffling everybody and acting very peculiar. He has never done this before. For a second I was confused, and then I realized what must have happened. He must have shown up drunk. That's what it sounded like, from my friend's description. The disease is progressing. Up to now, he's never let his drinking interfere with his professional life, that I know of. But now it's getting worse and it has. So he wasn't rehired for this job, and my guess is that the same thing happened in his regular job and that's why he lost it.
Oh, the temptation to tell him why he wasn't rehired for the event! The temptation was huge. But I already made a calm remark about his drinking about six weeks ago, and of course he did NOT say, 'You know, I think you're right. My drinking is out of control and I'm going to do something about it!' Of course he didn't. So going off at him about this latest disaster would have absolutely no effect.
Still the temptation is strong. Thank goodness I have the program tools ready. I can see that the impulse never leaves.
Oh, I totally get that and wanting to say something, but I also know that it will be futile. It will either be met with, "You're right, I have a problem," or, "What the heck are you talking about? I don't have a problem, you do!" Glad you saw what you were thinking and realizing it wasn't worth the discussion. I'm sorry that his disease is progressing, though. HUGS!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
What REALLY is sad is that if he doesn't get into AA and arrest this , in its tracks, and stay sober, his mental and physical health will decline and he will begin to die..some die quicker , some die slower, but its all death...
I am glad you are working your program and learning detachment...If he does not get help, you will be faced do you want to care for him as he goes down, or jump ship?? only you can make that decision, and no one should tell you what to do with it...I get sad when i see stories like this of one soul going down the tubes over his addiction for which he is not getting help.....
whatever you do, i urge you to stay with alanon, get to meets, so the others in the meetings can encourage and support you and giving support back helps one from being depressed...
so so sad....now hes beginning to have job troubles...my A bother SO FAR isn't at that point....he drinks tons..won't get into AA...Won't get help.. but SO FAR and i say that in big letters b/c its coming...he wont' be able to work...he wont' be able to care for himself and I won't do end of life care for an alcoholic...I won't give up my life and my freedom, even for someone i love a lot like i do him....I have to turn him over all the time..Each bender where he is MIA for days, I just keep giving him over b/c I cannot take care of him and meet my needs, too.......i had to recover by myself...i had no familial support during my recovery and to this day, not really.......so i owe no one my serenity, my freedom to come and go and my peace and well being...Not to mention the financial burden he would be...So i just keep giving him over and I let go...
I am so glad u r in alanon and i see you posting here and that is good....reaching out to others is what you need, along with the other parts of the program....i am glad u r not in any kind of denial..that is a good thing.....you are seeing it for what it is........
glad you are in alanon....please keep coming back...You are not alone..........IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
And not just a rescue attempt, because it doesn't escape me that if he had a job, he'd be in a better position to pay child support, which I haven't seen a penny of for at least a year. But I am powerless. Berating him will get me nowhere. I love the image of the ambulance light going off, but the ambulance staying parked! Lol. So glad I have my program - it's sitting here in the ambulance with me. Thank you all.
And not just a rescue attempt, because it doesn't escape me that if he had a job, he'd be in a better position to pay child support, which I haven't seen a penny of for at least a year.
Oh so you already broke up??? I didn't know..thought you were still with him, but I meant what i said in my post, he is gonna keep goin down if no AA.....glad your ambulance is parked and ignition turned OFF.....thats really tough..no child support....i feel bad for the kids, but they got you and you sound like you have your act pretty together, with a good program..
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
And not just a rescue attempt, because it doesn't escape me that if he had a job, he'd be in a better position to pay child support, which I haven't seen a penny of for at least a year. But I am powerless. Berating him will get me nowhere. I love the image of the ambulance light going off, but the ambulance staying parked! Lol. So glad I have my program - it's sitting here in the ambulance with me. Thank you all.
LOL! Love the picture you painted sitting in your ambulance. You are so right - berating him will get you nowhere - he'll still be without a job and no closer to paying support then he was a year ago when he stopped paying it. Fortunately, there will be no need to hand you a paper bag and take your vitals as you hyperventilate following the futility of the berating of himself. Since your program is in there with you, there's got to be something in the back of one of our readers on how to find another way to make up the difference between what is coming in and what's going out?
I'm glad you didn't say anything Mattie, because it would have done no good. He knows why he lost his jobs. Alcoholism is very powerful. It's not that he's choosing to drink. He has no choice. His disease is going to force him to drink. What he is choosing is to not reach out for help. I read in C2C where someone had wrapped their ah in a blanket and gave him to God. I could visualize this. In my mind and heart, this is what I have done with my ah. I know I cannot help him, but God can, so I have given him to my HP. My job is to take care of me. This brings me serenity. No longer am I fighting a battle that is impossible for me to win. I have given that battle to God.
Take care of you, ((Mattie)), and let God take care of your ah.!
Keep working your program because it truly does work if you work it!
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
where someone had wrapped their ah in a blanket and gave him to God. I could visualize this. In my mind and heart, this is what I have done with my ah. I know I cannot help him, but God can, so I have given him to my HP. My job is to take care of me. This brings me serenity. No longer am I fighting a battle that is impossible for me to win. I have given that battle to God.
I am gonna do the wrapping my brother in a blanket thing...I like that....wrap him and give him to his creator....thanks, cloudy for sharing that....the evil ones who trashed my life, i just have nothing for, but the ones who are decent and addicted?? oh yea, i have a LOT of compassion for them....my brother didn't go to bed at night and pray as a child "oh please let me be a substance addict" i am sure of it...but this is what it is....but for the grace of great spirit, it could have been me b/c i drank to numb, self medicate my pain before recovery.....i just didn't get hooked..I was lucky....so yea, i am gonna do the blanket thingy re: my brother..He needs that....thanks again for sharing that, cloudy HUGS
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Super job working your program Mattie! It's not easy, but we get to practice ODAT. I remember the first time that I heard my exAH was unaccountable at work... and, not having Alanon at that time, I felt so alone. I also remember countless hours trying to communicate, explain, reexplain- oh, I was so sure if I'd give it a go just one more time to have him see things my way (no, I never enjoyed casinos or any type of gambling- so it was just me trying to "will" things to be "right".) I'm so grateful that I no longer need the last word, to be right, to force things in an attempt to influence outcomes... and when I slip, I'm quickly reminded that I'm best off keeping the focus on myself.
Prayers and positive thoughts. ...that one from Betty and I remember it was the elders that taught me the best and the majority of them were women. Mahalo HP.
Ahhh hope for the future! I still slip quite often in this regard but your handling his so well tells me it is possible to get there...good job and thanks for sharing!
I love this "wrapping the ah in a blanket and giving over to.God" imagery. I feel the image and the idea are far easier than the actual doing of it and living of it. I pray to God to do His will in my ah life everyday. . Yet, its still oh so hard to live this life.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
You are so right about that. Even after years of recovery and having a sober husband, I still have the impulse to interfere in that way. Ha ha ha But going off on him about the drinking would have an affect, just not the one you are thinking of. It's affect would be to distract him from his problem by letting him be mad at you and blaming you for his problem. That's what my crabbing and explaining did. LOL That is why it is so key to stay on our own side of the street.
I love this program. I love learning to care for me, so I can be the best Mom, wife, daughter woman that I can be. I used to hate who I had become. Now I kind of like me. I'm pretty ok. I can even stand to be alone in my own company now. I have a long way to go in clearing out my defects of character. I'll never be finished with that, but I like the path I am on, now. Al-Anon has given me that. Love to you, Mattie. You're getting it and that is beautiful!
-- Edited by Jen on Sunday 16th of November 2014 07:50:06 PM
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
