The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first time with Alanon. I've been going a little crazy thinking I need to fix everything.... I'm feeling much better now just knowing I don't need to control it anymore. Just let the chips fall where they may. I'm. Starting here and eventually I will go to a real live meeting.
Welcome, birdofparadise! Yes, starting with a live meeting is a great place to get an introduction to Al Anon. Please keep coming back and sharing here if you need support, too. Everyone here has been where you are and can help you along the way!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Welcome It is very freeing to accept our powerlessness over alcohol as well as people, places and things. We can then turn our attention to helping ourselves.
Face to face meetings offer such a great way to learn the tools and receive the support needed to recover from the isolation of living with this disease. Keep coming back .
Can you give me a couple tips on how to stop controlling? I read somewhere about Alanon we can't give advise but if we ask for it is that different? I know trying to control the situation is not working for me, and probably making things worse. its dragging me down to and making me crazy also.
I, too, love your screen name and also the flower that bears the same name.
Al-Anon's Serenity Prayer can help us calm ourselves down, listen to our fears, ask for our HP's guidance in accepting what we can't change and help changing what we can. We truly can't control anything - just like we can't control when the bird of paradise will bloom, its color, or its beauty. We can learn to stop fighting what is and learn to go with the flow of grace in our lives by listening, learning and applying what we learn in Al-Anon meetings with the fellowship to our lives. The need to control usually comes from fear. Listening to what it is that we're really afraid of - in my case - the end of marriage and my children not growing up in a healthy, 2 parent family - talking things over and reasoning them out with people who understand alcoholism helped me think differently, fear less, and respond rather than react more often.
This is my first time with Alanon. I've been going a little crazy thinking I need to fix everything.... I'm feeling much better now just knowing I don't need to control it anymore. Just let the chips fall where they may. I'm. Starting here and eventually I will go to a real live meeting.
WOW, already you see that "let the chips fall where they may" yaaaay Birdofparadise.....good start, my fellow alanoner......Wait till u start the meetings...I loved them when we had the old healthy one, way back now its seems, but oh yea, i went in scared to death, but eager to re-claim me and get into the program and find ME....the old timers took me under their wings, not enabling, but guiding me, giving me suggestions on how to get started in program...how i could maximize my recovery, the recommendations of alanon, etc., I did a share that night and it felt so good to know i was not alone, that others didn't think i was a freak, that i was in company who could identify with me.....now there are no meets in my area so i have to go online and they are very good too..made lots of friends on them and I'll tell you, this program literally saved my life.....
I am glad you showed up here and i do hope you keep coming back...this really works if ya work it........Peace and a BIG welcome
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you for the encouragement. I will attend a real live meeting someday, I'm a bit shy in big groups so I'm starting out slow here in the chat room. I'm going to join a online meeting soon.
I know it's not my fault my husband drinks and gets mean an belligerent but I am hoping I can learn to not get wrapped up in the B.S. and figure out a way to walk away and not fuel the fire with my own foul mouth. I know the theory in Alanon is you can only control yourself, ( I need a lot help in that category) so Im hoping I can learn how to pity him instead of hate him and also stop trying to change him. Because it Is NOT working for me....
As you gain compassion for yourself and the ways this disease has hurt you and heal, you will also feel compassion for him.
Two of the things this disease loves to hook in us is pity or anger towards or for the A. Neither is helpful. Both can keep us buying into the disease's trap of "oh, poor me, nobody loves me, everything goes wrong, I'm cursed, I'm doomed, I had a miserable childhood, nobody understands me, I don't know what to do, blah-blah-blah;" or the broken promises, cursing, blaming us for their bad choices, stealing, lying, or whatever else the disease does to push our buttons so it can tell its host: "See this is why you drink and this is why you need to drink."
As we focus more on ourselves and learn more about the disease, we will begin to separate its traps from the person with it. It gets easier to detach and to see the other as capable of doing for themselves what others have done for them. As are very resourceful people and the more we learn to avoid feeling sorry for them or angry at them, the more they can see they are capable of getting help and finding hope for themselves again just like we can.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 14th of November 2014 06:34:55 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 14th of November 2014 08:29:18 PM
Hi Bird of Paradise Service Worker just indicates that we have posted a certain # of times to the Board.
I understand about being uncomfortable about attending meetings. I too felt uncomfortable in groups but when the pain became too much I elected to walk into the rooms of alanon and am I glad I did.
Most of alanon tools can be found in the slogans and I listed them below We also try to not project into the future or dwell on the past --we stay in the moment, keeping the focus on ourselves and when it gets too difficult we read a meditation book, pray, or go to a meeting
Here are the slogans that are very helpful
Poem by Coach Papa
First Things First - I have heard it said - Be Honest With yourself, - get out of your head - You can Feel Good -About Saying "No" - Keep Coming Back to - Talk And Grow - Easy Does It - sounds real nice - If you Keep It Simple - you don't roll the dice - Live And Let Live - Brings it back to you - They're in recovery, - you are, too - What's to Be will Be - So, Let Go & Let God - Just wait and see - That one Day At A Time - Is more than a phrase - In Al-Anon, - it's the phrase that pays - Think! Listen And Learn - or watch bridges burn - Keep An Open Mind, - Now it's your turn - Is your serenity worth it - Just, Fake It 'Till You Make It! - I am pretty sure, You can - Cause, How - important is it? - In time, you will understand - It's true, we're all different, - But, together we can make it - If you feel that you can't, - Then, once again, fake it - When you let it begin with me - The fog will raise, - the sun will shine - Your eyes will see - Slogans are there - For you to use - Say one every day - So you don't sing the blues - It works when you work it - We say and it's true - We're all here to help - But your recovery is up to you.
good for you, Birdofpardise. I'm glad you are here. I would also recommend f2f meetings as soon as you feel you can.
When I first came to Al-Anon, I learned and began to live this slogan>>Let go and let God. This slogan along with the first 3 steps kept me afloat the first weeks in Al-Anon.
Take care of you and take one day at a time. You are not alone!
It works if you work it!
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
Hello Neshema2 I'm a bit shy in big groups so I'm starting out slow here in the chat room. I'm going to join a online meeting soon. I know the theory in Alanon is you can only control yourself, ( I need a lot help in that category) so Im hoping I can learn how to pity him instead of hate him and also stop trying to change him. Because it Is NOT working for me....
What does Service worker mean?
Best to you Birdofparadise
Hey Bird, chat rooms are cool too,...since my face to face meet went south, i go to the chat rooms..made a lot of friends...U do what is comfy for you at your pace..your speed and this is your program, not someone elses......I get the "control" thingy, I have to work on it all the time, needing to know whats down the pike, coming at me, wanting to control everything so it doesn't go to hell.....oh yea, i relate to you ....needing to be in control is all, to me, fear based and i have been fear based 4ever it seems...little by little w/program i am shaking it off, but it rears its head too many times for my liking.....I'm glad u see there is no way you can change him, and yea, no sense in hating him, but that comes with TIME and sharing and getting all your pain out.....so be easy on you if you can't give him pity/compassion just yet.....being married to an active A is a nightmare at best.......
service worker means i did 500 posts or more on this board.....we are ALL equals, I learn just as much, sometimes more, from the newbies as i do the service workers....yea, we have been here longer, but i love it when a newbie comes and reaches out and makes that decision to reclaim their lost lives due to this nightmare of a disease..what i have a hard time with is they CAN get help...they CAN arrest the progression and , if caught early enough, they can reverse damage done to the body........AND get back their lives, but they gotta WANT it and they gotta make the commitment and do the hard work.....The ones who do get help and work their program, I applaud them..I send them good energy to stay sober and stay on program...My sponsor is a recovering alcoholic..sober since late 80's and i love her as my sister......I am grateful every day that she is sober.....
glad you showed up here...Like the nickname....sound positive and "seeking" better things......Peace and SUPPORT
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I just listened for close to two years at my weekly alanon
mtgs. You do not have to speak you need to absorb the
Wisdom and begin the healing. I speak now my dam has
broken. I am feeling my feelings and being honest.
It is our recovery not theirs. The meetings are
About you not your A. You can get a temporay sponsor
To help show you the ropes. There is a lot to read and
Learn. Self care and self love are the real biggies.We
Get so tangled up with our A we lose ourselves in the
Process. Our aim is for being centered and happy with or
Without them. Reclaiming your power and yourself is
what it is all About.
At alanon it is recomended not to make any changes
For six months unless there is abuse. Work on changing
Only you not them. That is their job not yours.
Thank you, that helps...working on changing myself is a good idea.. I've become just as crazy as my (A) spouse by trying to control him. Not working for me..
One of my favorites also...Welcome to the board Bird of Paradise. It is good that you found the family. Early on you will hear that we do not give advise as none of us are professionals and we don't give guarantees. We will make suggestions based upon our own experience in recovery and you have the entire opportunity to follow up on the suggestion or not and still hang around listening with an open mind for more suggestions. Al-Anon isn't ridged recovery. It is very loving and supportive while giving unconditional love and support. I found that when I did what others did in their own recovery I got something different than what I was getting from doing only my own reactions and responses and since I knew little to next to nothing about alcoholism I wasn't having any successes. I didn't even know what a success was supposed to be like. I learned a very simple slogan early one which along with a lot of other support helped me to find some sanity. 'STOP"!! was the slogan and of course what it meant was 'STOP' trying to do it my habitual way which had never worked and go listen to others.
Keep coming back to the family we are in support (((((hugs)))))
Hi birdy. I struggle with this one too. I found online meetings helpful, and trying to practice being in the moment on a daily basis. If I can let go even for a few hours of all the toxicity that is alcoholism in a relationship I start to feel better,think better,detach a little more. The more time I spend in alanon,be it literature,meetings,this board, preferably all three,the less I feel I belong to alcoholism. I can't spend too long in his world and way of living without it affecting me, I hate the effects. Progress not perfection has become my gentle daily whisper, because time takes time and we are but human living with a cunning baffling disease. I know how hard it is to try something new, to not engage, to walk away. I come here and it helps. Keep coming back.
I should be much more grateful for my spouse. He is a hard working person who always takes care of business. He works hard, pays the bills and he comes home ( he doesn't sit at bars). He does a lot around the house that most men wouldn't do. Why can't I just be happy with that? Why am I angry and sad at the same time???
i should not speak to him after he starts drinking at night, or at least only talk about trivial things like the weather. He usually starts drinking around 4:30 5 after he gets home. He goes out to walk the dog and comes back drunk. How do you get drunk in 20 minutes?? I usually make him angry about something after he starts drinking,and even when hes not Drinking I make him angry...
When will I learn to just shut my mouth. It's always the same like ground hog day....I say something and he says something and then it seems like the twilight zone. We usually end up, yelling and saying horrible things to each other. Last night I did leave the room and that seems to be the best. When I come out he's always passed out. The next morning he acts like nothing ever happened. He's kind andd sweet in the morning....( I like mornings) He's educated and bright but his mind is going slowly when he drinks.. Maybe mine is going also.... I get so angry. I dont like being angry or being around angry people. I need a Hobbie for night time hours, I'm going get one. I'm off to my yoga class now, when I get back I look forward to hearing from someone who might have some insight for me. I need help....
Hi Bird of Paradise. It sounds as if you are living with the disease of alcoholism. The disease is not logical l or rational and trying to mold our behavior in order to obtain positive results always ends in failure. We also end up sacrificing ourselves and our self esteem in the process.
I am pleased that you are able to see all of your husband's assets but non of these assets will off set the disease of alcoholism.The AMA has determined that alcoholism is a progressive, fatal,incurable disease that can be arrested and never cured. AA is a recovery program for the person that drinks and Al-Anon the recovery program for the family members.
Alanon tools will enable you to maintain your self worth and develop positive response to the negative reactions of the alcoholic. Please keep coming back and remember to attend Al-Anon meetings either on line or face to face
Hello Beautiful Bird of Paradise, I hope yoga went well! I always feel very chilled afterwards.
The new hobbies that I have taken up reflect things that I have enjoyed at different times in my life. I have worked with fashion for thirty years so textiles feel very familiar to me and I am really enjoying my patchwork and tapestry. When I was a young girl I loved painting and it is a treat to be painting again - I can also treat myself to a new paintbrush or canvas from time to time, a good productive excuse to go shopping!
My AH used to have those arguments with me at 10.15 every morning. I found that walking away was helpful and allowed me to keep my dignity. I blush when I remember the times that I screamed back at him - arragh! A few times I said 'perhaps you are right' which quite took the wind out of his sails. The best tactic for me when he was being very nasty was to find myself a treat that was equal to the hurt that I was feeling. The nastier he tried to be the more fun I ended up having. It got to the point of my going on holiday a couple of times before he realised that I was not going to let his life get me down.
When I recognised how tired I was, how angry I was becoming, how afraid I was of ending up as a bitter old lady I invested in myself, in restoring my self esteem, and in spending time with friends. It also seemed important to me that I still spoke of my feelings (otherwise I would rumble and burst!) and that was quite a learning curve, but a very positive one. I could feel myself becoming depressed when I did not speak my own truth - however it became important to me that I only spoke it the once mind you, and at a time when AH was sober! My friends here at MIP have taught me to name my own assets and I have written down a list of nice things that people have said to/about me which I refer to when AH has been mean. I try to finish every day by recalling the three best things of the day - they are always there!
I never made it to yoga, I took the dog out and lost time.. I'm going to do yoga here at home, not the same but still better than not.
Your comment to me was perfect! I have to do something for myself to stay sane. .... I will cut and paste your comment and put it in a safe place so I can read it when I need it for encouragement.. Taking the wind out by agreeing with the AH is a great idea...why argue with him, he won't remember the next day....I know I need to let him hear my feelings without anger, when he is sober , But...I know exactly what he will say ...He will say, you are to sensitive to it because your Dad was a alcoholic....that's his standard line...Oh well at least I'll get my feelings out.
Milkwood, Thank you so much for your support and insight...
