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Well I must have hit another wave today ....because after months now I finally feel resentful. Funny how that happens... Before I just felt scared, unsafe and angry enough to make a change and put in boundaries.
Then I started to observe behaviors and really started to figure out what I liked and don't like. Now I don't know if I am mad at the behavior or that I lived in my subconscious (false reality) for so long.
I don't even know what to do with this feeling because I think I actually somehow repress it.
I've been feeling similarly for quite a few months this year and I found those feelings of resentment to be exhausting and demotivating. I also think that some of my feelings of resentment are directed at myself, kind of 'how could I' chat inside my head. What ever I was thinking in the past is what it is - I know it was born out of good intentions and a desire to believe in the best. I also know that resentment harms me and undermine my enthusiasm for life so, like a drug, I need to give it a wide berth. When I feel resentment I try to replace those thoughts with good memories or with a gentle treat for myself. And I try to feel gratitude for the lessons that I have learnt. I am finding it a slow process with daily set backs but every set back is also reminder of what I have changed as well. Perhaps I am taking my power back in bite sized pieces - kind of how to eat an elephant perhaps!
Perhaps this is one of those 3A things, Truth? You admit the resentment you feel. You accept the resentment you feel? You choose what you want to do with it? Talking my fears/resentments over with my sponsor has helped me see what I need to see and change I what I need to change sometimes. Like you, I don't want to carry heavy rocks of anger, fear, resentment and old hurts around in my mind and heart. They all weigh me down and get in the way of living joyous and free. I think it is a good thing you are noticing resentment and now can do something about it.
I think you are right Grateful. I was reading my new book last night and doing some of the exercises and then boom it just came up. I just stopped and did some EFT instead and went to bed, however I woke up this morning and it is still there. I know I have to finish the exercises maybe I am mad at that "like a three year old saying I don't want to"
(((truth))) I have learned to be with them as I sit and wait for the answer to my questions..."what am I to learn from this, what is hidden from my view?" And this is easier said than done
-- Edited by PP on Friday 14th of November 2014 10:24:05 AM
Sounds like a lot of awareness, Truth. Like PP said, maybe just sit with it and learn from it. I struggle with resentment too. It always seems to come up just when I think I'm done being resentful about something, too. It's very insidious and creeps up on me and I get exhausted thinking about the fact that I have to do battle with resentments once again. Yet, it's getting better as my recovery has progressed, the times I've felt resentful have been shorter and less exhausting as I've moved through them. Hugs to you today!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
"I know I have to finish these exercises." "I know I have to do battle with resentments once again." "I know I must take out the trash and its cold and I don't want to put my coat and boots on and push the dumpster to the curb over ice." Could it be that sometimes it is our self-talk sets us up for resentment and not what has happened, is happening, or might happen?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 14th of November 2014 01:23:21 PM
Sounds to me like the scare is over with or passing, at least, and now you are MAD..MAD at the insjustice done to you...MAD at lousey time you had with this EX....
oh yea, I remember my D#2 disappeared for 3 days,...didn't tell anyone where she was going...Poof shes gone...so i am thinking do i call the police, report her missing?? or what/? SIL was about as useless as teats on a hog, so I tell him , after he tells me they had a fight and he "thinks" she is visiting her A dad...I am giving it ONE more day, then i am reporting her missing b/c I can't find A dad...
She shows up on the DAY i was gonna turn in a police report and b4 she got home, yea, i was scared...worried...then she comes home and I am grateful, thankful she is "OK" i am like "oh thank you creator" then...when the fear/gratitude thingy passed I got PISSED....so i told her "i don't care if you want to go to tim buk tu, just TELL me so i am not worried , thinking you got abducted, or car jacked or whatever..." she apologized and hasn't done it since...now she tells me if she is gonna be gone for a length of time
I know this is a crappy analogy , but yea, at first you are scared and in emergency mode...can't feel those intense emotions all at once, so your scared, then when the danger is over, and you have TIME to think about what just occurred or what occurred over a period of time that kept you in fear, now its time to settle in with some anger over it
a lot of trauma survivors do this...your in fight or flight mode and survival is "A" on the list, then anger sets in...its all part of healing and we gotta run through the emotions as they come, honor them, validate them and then we can come to the "making peace" with it all
your not alone...i was numbed out, scared, dissociative then get into recovery and i am ANGRY and its RED its so bad.....i had to work through it to get to the tears and grief...now i just want to move on...give them all over to karma and walk away, and get on with my life......
in support
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Sounds to me like the scare is over with or passing, at least, and now you are MAD..MAD at the insjustice done to you...MAD at lousey time you had with this EX....
Does wishing he would get hit by a bus count? Lol
I don't often react but my shadow side likes buses.
I remember feeling sad and it took me a very long time before I allowed myself to feel angry. I'm grateful for the anger phase because it was a more appropriate emotion to my circumstances- and it was also an indication that I was processing my pain and moving on.
I remember feeling sad and it took me a very long time before I allowed myself to feel angry. I'm grateful for the anger phase because it was a more appropriate emotion to my circumstances- and it was also an indication that I was processing my pain and moving on.
WOW, its funny how the human feelings work...for me it was anger first.....THEN the sadness and boy was i sad.....grieving.....crying.....depressed, knda......i still visit the anger at times, and i have to go through the grief AGAIN, and then i can move on....its not as intense as used to be.....i am getting to the deeper layers......i have my bad days, but they don't go on and on.....much shorter...much easier to work through......my biggest difficulty, i think, is loving and accepting me ALL the time...not just when i am not screwing up.......oh well, i guess that is why the steps are perpetual
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I could have said "it will be in my best interest to try the exercises" .... Even when I said that I felt a shift...