The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My x didn't stop with his nasty tone or behaviors until he was about 49 years old. We'd been divorced for almost 20. The more I worked on me and drew healthier people into my life, the more supported and cared about I felt and the less his behaviors could affect me. His abuse was dependent on my being hooked by it which in turned helped him feel powerful - something down deep he didn't feel. The more I healed, the less my own abuse issues could get hooked by his need to feel powerful at my expense. I reached a place in my healing when he raised his hand to hit me and to hit my teenage son as well who was living with him at the time. Quietly and firmly I said to him: "If you lay one hand on me or even continue to threaten to hit me, I will call the police and have you arrested quicker than your head can spin. If you lay one hand on him, I will do the same." He stopped. He lowered his hand. He knew I meant it. I wasn't angry. I wasn't fearful. I wasn't nasty. I was owning my power and expressing it. He didn't need to make amends to me for his abuse. I needed to make amends to me for living with it. It took me several years to get there, but I did. You will, too.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 13th of November 2014 11:39:32 AM
He is not your Siamese twin...born attached to your own hip. You don't "Need" him. When I was drowning because of this disease what I needed was a float and then a raft to get me to dry, stable land and that was the Family Groups. I didn't need a heavier rock to hold me under. Glad for your healing...really glad to watch other brothers and sisters heal. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
You can and will heal, Mirandac. The more distance you have from him while working your program, the greater healing you will experience. You are doing great...keep going
I kept certain writings and recording of my ex at his craziest to remind me, when he was behaving normally and trying to convince me that everything would have been ok if i'd not over-reacted, of exactly what I'd gone through, how mad the madness was. I don't sit and listen to them or read them, but they serve as reminders when he's acting sane of how insane it all was.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Thank you all for your wisdom. I am stressing about mediation
On monday. I want to feel strong and not react to him. The two
lawyers and a mediator of our choosing will be there. No idea
What his ideas are just that he will try to sucker me into holding
Paper on property. He does not want to sell and i dont think he
can buy me out. More will be revealed!
I stress, too, when I'm trying to peer into the future or get stuck in the past. Your HP will be there to guide you and to give you what you need to take good care of yourself on Monday. Today is all that you can deal with well, Mirandac. The future and other people is God's business and theirs. When I can focus on me and what is my business even if my business is simply to respond to your post, all the worrisome thoughts float away.
Thank you for your wisdom grateful. I will try to not stress about
Him And mediation. We do not see each other very much. I try to
Get use to talking to him without negative results. My lawyer told me
At some point we are going to need to communicate so i do try as
Long as he is civil and doesnt bristle up. He usually has his helper
with him so not much gets discussed if it happens at all.
We constantly skirt around each other here and it not really helpful.
He will not face me if he doesnt have to, guilt,shame who knows as
You said not mine to figure it out. I realize i can not project the outcome
Of our meeting on Monday. Maybe there will be a simple solution to
The financial settlement. I will pray to my HP for wisdom and courage.
I had a restless night last night thinking about my AH
In my thoughts and dreams. I have not done that for
A long time. It is getting closer to the divorce, that weighs
Very heavy on me. I am still grieving but getting
Stronger every day.
I attended my Friday alanon mtg it was great for my
Nervous fears. I felt much stronger seeing and talking
To people from my home group. Then proceeded to go
To lunch with my sponsor and her friend. The power of
Personal touch and interactions are so important to our
healing and well Being. I feel much better.
(Mirandac) It's great that you're leaning into your program. I remember going through what you describe and it being a touch and go process for a while, but eventually things come to a close. I worried, fretted, had nightmares, but at the end of the day, it was ok. I realized that I didn't really know what the judge was thinking and couldn't pre-determine outcomes. You'll process things that you need to process as they happen and start on a new and better path. I hope you're able to sleep well tonight.
Thank you bud. It is just so amazing what goes on inside Of you and the only indicators are your own behaviors.
I slept Well all week but i was irritable,insensitive and stressing In my behaviors toward others. Then not sleeping last night. That made me really focus on the whys? I need to face This new step getting closer to my divorce.
-- Edited by Mirandac on Saturday 15th of November 2014 05:21:23 AM
I can relate! The unknown feels scary and I can fully appreciate this- just remember that you aren't alone. Practicing alanon tools helps me retrain my brain to not jump ahead, to not freeze in fear (this is how the disease affected me and I still hear it's echos sometimes), and to make choices that help me take care of myself. During an open AA meeting, it was suggested to replace "why?" with "what for?" I've found this to be incredibly helpful in getting myself out of a rut or downward spiral. It was also in the open AA meetings that I realized that I could not afford to remain angry for any given time frame- it was in the rooms that I learned that I had to find a way to let go... and let go of the same things as many times as I need to until it's gone. It helps me not dwell when I ask myself, "Bud, do you really need to keep recycling this or can you just let it go now!?"
This is a very stressful time for you- HALT is good to practice- don't let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. My plan for good sleep is eat nourishing foods, exercise, drink water, take deep breaths, attend meetings, talk to friends and Alanoners. It also helps to have a restful ritual before bedtime, so the body gets used to the routine and falling asleep- and, as corny as it sounds, I will say aloud, "I will sleep well tonight and wake up feeling rested." It didn't work out perfectly the first few times, but I'm sleeping much, much better these days... one day at a time.
Thank you bud for the Your wisdom. I have been sleeping well mostly. This disease is so powerful and crazy it is so hard to grasp how could They behave,think or act like that? I have lost my husband to this terrible disease now i need to move on and Get better for myself and really heal from all this. I will try try to practice HALT.
-- Edited by Mirandac on Sunday 16th of November 2014 12:03:45 PM
I understand your pain. I am getting ready to serve husband with divorce papers. I have been thinking about him a lot, and not sleeping well either. My daughter has been crying and telling me she wants to move back to the house with him. I explain to her why we can't do that,I'm feel bad for her, but I have to keep her safe physically and emotionally. This is hard...especially around holidays.
