The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I must say that I am happy that I came across this site and everything I have read so far is very helpful. So many people here have given me a bit more hope but as I sit here, ready for bed, I just feel sad and overwhelmed by emotions. It's easy for me to keep myself busy throughout the day with my kids, my home, my job ect. So many times I even forget that I am married to an alcoholic. Most days my husband is my best friend. He's fun, a good daddy and there are times that I do feel like maybe he is'nt an alcoholic. Then he reminds me that he is when, out of the blue, his attitude changes and I realize he's been hiding vodka again. It's so hard being married to two different personalities. One being the man that I fell in love with in high school over 14 years ago. The other being the annoying alcoholic that I am ashamed of and sometimes even hate. Is'nt that awful. It makes me sad to feel hatred for my own husband. He really is a very good and caring man but after so many "let downs" and lies it gets really hard not to have bad feelings toward him. He makes me feel unloved or "not enough" when he drinks. I wish that I could become numb toward him sometimes just so I don't have to feel that kind of heart break. Then the tears come. I get so mad at myself for letting another person have so much control over my feelings. It makes me really really upset that my marriage is not what I had hoped for at all. I did'nt expect it to be perfect but if I had known so many years ago that he would be an alcoholic, I really don't think I would have married him. Even though the good times we have are REALLY great, those bad times outweigh them. I'm just ranting tonight. I don't expect any advise or anything in return. I'm just grateful to have a place to communicate with others now that have the same problem that I do. Thank you all so much.
I so understand and would just like to say that alanon tools when used each day will help to lift the anger, resentment, self pity and fear that you are now experiencing. Hope will be restored and new options will open up. Keep coming back
What you might be hating is the disease. Your husband is the host. Al-Anon helps us separate the disease from the person and we learn how to recognize when the disease is operative (something your husband is powerless over without treatment). You can love the person and hate what the disease is doing to him. It is the disease that hooks us. It is the medicine Al-Anon offers us that helps us stay off the hook and stay focused on ourselves and what we can change. Your husband doesn't love drinking. He can't say no to the disease just like we can't say no to it or make it go away. We can get help in the Al-Anon program, pray for our loved ones, and learn how to live our lives with dignity and some days even joy. Keep coming back.
JMC, I am sitting here on my couch, which is my bed for the night, (AH is puking in our bathroom...he says it's the tummy bug...I'm not sure but I'm staying away!) reading your post, which mirrors so many of my own feelings right now. I have this hope that things can one day be back the way they used to be - and sometimes they are. But what scares me is there are fewer and fewer of those days and more and more of the days where I am embarrassed when we got out in public or he says something in a slurring, drunk manner that makes me want to hit him upside his head with a frying pan! It is a mad roller coaster ride and some days I'm not sure if I can keep on riding. I guess only time will tell. I'm thinking about you - hope you can get to a face to face meeting sometime soon...it really is so very helpful when you hear how others are dealing with the exact same thing. I drove by the meeting place 4 weeks in a row before I got the courage up to actually go in - now I look forward to meeting day :)
