Honoring my child's heart.... - Al-Anon Family Group

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Honoring my child's heart....

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

First, Paula, I am amazed at your ability to stand back and let whatever is going to play out between your Mom and Dad play out - miserable as that whole scenario must have been for you.

Secondly, I can't imagine what it must be like for a tiny, redheaded girl child with Italian eyebrows to live with a raging father and an uncertain mother who are (I'm assuming), dark-haired and dark-eyed?

Thirdly, I can feel your anguish and the humiliation you experienced as a girl on her way to womanhood wanting to be beautiful in the way you saw beauty as your raging father forced his will upon you for whatever reason he had and beat you on top of destroying what we do see as part of our beauty - our hair and the way we wear our hair - as if he had a right to do that - which he didn't.

Fourth - I can feel the ambivalence that you might have felt in relationship to a father who beat you and humiliated you - on one hand loving him and on the other hand hating him for being so incredibly insensitive to you and to your need to experience yourself as one with the other kids and safe with him as the one and only man in your life who was supposed to show you what a treasure you were to him and how he delighted in your budding womanhood.

Fifth - I can see myself walking with you on your way to school with belt marks, crooked bangs and your eyebrows showing into classrooms filled with other pubertal kids - all trying to get used to their changing bodies, feelings and thoughts and being highly critical, judgmental and punitive as a result of that and also whatever they themselves were experiencing at home. I marvel at your courage and your determination to continue on when running away or hiding out might have also tempted you rather than entering the doors of that school and doing what you needed to do for you even with children who can be insensitive and unkind.

Sixth - I can see how you might have chosen to look at your Dad through the eyes of a therapist rather than through the eyes of a child with a child's heart. You had to protect your heart from a man who simply didn't know how to protect it and almost shattered it instead. Perhaps his Italian pride got in the way of his love for his daughter once upon a time?

Seventh - I'd like to tell your Dad to sit down and shut up, frankly - dementia or not - child's heart or not. I want to tell him that his abusive behavior needs to stop and stop now or his wife and daughter and maybe his other children will be walking out the door.

Eighth - You are a beautiful person who has chosen not to turn totally away from your parents - maybe seeing the wounded children in them for a long time? And yet there is a wounded child in you who I want to comfort and to come close to and to tell her you are such a gift who shines like the sun in the lives of so many people. Be at peace, sister, for it is to your father's shame that you have been so badly treated and not to yours. You are a brave, courageous, disciplined, smart, wise and beautiful child with a hair color that reminds me of sunshine, sunsets, copper and gold and a milky complexion that reminds me of a starry galaxy. You stand out with your differences. You cannot be swallowed up in the sameness of your family or of your classmates. For some reason, perhaps God wants you to be noticed, to be seen because She has a very important work for you to do?

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 12th of November 2014 10:03:30 AM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh, I need to let this sink in as I sit here with tears. You have such a beautiful way of seeing and reframing what is said and unsaid. Thank you.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I am waiting with you in the silence between us, Paula, on whatever needs to happen within you and for you in this stage of your healing. I am reminded of an ancient script wherein our Source says: "You are the apple of my eye." and another "I delight in you."

deacon · Senior Member

We often have to have years of emotional and spiritual growth to understand and really grasp the cruelty in our childhood. Not to forgive but to understand how badly flawed our parents can be. Now that you are older and wiser and have power, you can view and really experience what was done to you. Your father was a cruel man and you were a powerless child. But what a feisty, strong child you were not to give him the satisfaction of seeing you cry. He might have hurt you and scarred you my dear but he did not break you.

And now you mourn for that poor little girl who did her best to stand up to harsh treatment. Now you question why your mother did not stand up for you while understanding that emotionally she was beaten down by him and scared to intervene. You should cry for your younger self and you can now that you understand. But you should also be in awe of a little girl who stood up to a tyrant as best she do and a woman who now has understanding and compassion and amazing strength.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Beautiful Paula,

As I read through your post I felt so much for that little girl who wanted to fit in and who had such courage despite the confusion.

Your last paragraph brought me to tears - if you don't mind my saying you have such a pure clarity with your words and so much compassion as well. I'm so glad that you have given your child's heart compassion as well, and am so grateful that you have shared that process here, I am grateful for your introduction to the awareness of seeing others through our child's heart rather than the therapists eyes. It is the heart that we've always carried with us that makes the most authentic connections and, to use your words, it is a genuine font for love, understanding and acceptance. So much today seems to focus on the analytical, but how we feel, what we feel, oh, there is the powerful stuff!

As to what you are dealing with, dementia is so difficult and coming late in the lives of our folks, I find that it gets muddled with those feelings of loss and abandonment as well.

I can't imagine all those mixed emotions you are going through, you've had one hell of a week, that is for sure! But Paula, I am privileged to be here to listen and to hear you.

Sending ((((((Hugs))))))) and cosseting love.

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Paula, if it were possible I would reach out across this cyber space and hug you tightly. I have often wondered what makes a person abusive. They know what they are doing. They have to know they are hurting the people who love them most. Why do they do it? Is it because this makes them feel stronger? Is it because in some perverted way they think they are showing love? I don't know. I do know this world is full of sick people who find pleasure or feel it is their duty to make others (especially children) suffer.

I suffered abuse when I was a little girl, however, I did not remember mine until I was thirty-eight years old. After remembering I stood in my shower and screamed and screamed. I had a long road coming to terms with mine I have never been able to find complete closure because my abuser died before I remembered it. Even though he was dead, I wrote my abuser a letter. I asked all the questions and said everything in the letter that I would have asked and said had he been alive. I told him how he had made me feel, and then I told him that I had forgiven him. After I wrote the letter, I kept it until I felt I had run the course with all of my feelings, and then I burned it.

You are such a beautiful person and I greatly admire your strength. You are able to put this aside and visit your dad. Bless your heart. I pray God will wrap you in his arms and comfort you.

(((Paula)))

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Paula, I'm sorry about the pain this is causing you. Do know that it's good not only for you to post these, but many of us are learning and benefitting from them as well. Feel free to share more if you are so moved.

Bless you and hugs to you!

Kenny

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((( hugs )))))

I know and I understand. I am with you in spirit and tears are now flowing here as well.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Catherine, Deacon, Milkwood, Cloudyskies, Kenny and Cathy, bless you and thank you for being the generous souls that you are. I am staying in the feelings and resisting the temptation to journey up into my head aww ..I often say I am percolating when I have few words...I am percolating. Speaking of percolating, I make my daily coffee in a percolator and this morning I noticed it was beginning to smoke after I plugged it in. I quickly unplugged it and noticed I had not put water in the reservoir. I filled it up and it perked away. You all have filled me up so I can percolate biggrin I love you all...maybe we ought to take Catherine up on her offer?

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It took courage to share this. Thank you.

I was so gently treated, knowing you went thru this breaks my heart. I remember way back when I met my AH, very young teenager. He showed me his house on a drive. Was not his. He was ashamed of his house. I was there once and heard his dad beating his mom!I was ready to jump in. But he held me back.

He was and is so damaged from the abuse. Horrible things said to him. I NEVER said mean things to him, I treat others how I was treated. tenderly.

I am so so sad this was your childhood. You sure are a wonderful bright light here at MIP! hugs and more hugs

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Front door, garage door and two garage access doors open! I'll polish up the mirrors and double check the number of odor shields in my second bathroom. Bring your own snowplow blades. Our township can't find theirs.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn, you are a tender soul smile It is interesting that I see my childhood as magical in so many ways and I did not or do not fear my dad. Really, he was more afraid of me as I grew up....all 106 pounds of me. I used to tell him to stop when he was raging on my sister for her weight and he would stop. As Jerry has said, violence is fear and that is what I saw and see in him...a scared little boy who was afraid of being abandoned. As a little girl, though I felt hurt and confused; I did what I could to warrior up and not feel.

I see the gifts that came out of these experiences. I have courage and I take action. Alone, I have taken animals away from abusive homes, I have intervened when I witness parents abusing their children in public. My guardian angel must be a large visible force standing behind me sometimes, because I don't get guff. I have taken on family members when my nieces and nephews have been verbally/emotionally abused. Ok.....I am going to be a bit lighter now and enjoy some play.

So, Catherine...will we go out and cut up on the dance floor after we plow your roads?

Fairlee · Senior Member

It is amazing how our "childs heart" can become so damaged by the people who are supposed to care for us and love us so much. I am so sorry for the heart ache you had to/still have to endure at the hand of your father. I hope that some day, before it is too late, he will have a lucid moment and be repentant about the pain he has caused you.
Lifting you up - thank you for your share.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Of course we go out and cut up the dance floor after plowing. I'll wear red shoes. Any ideas for your dance wardrobe?

And - I love that you see the strengths you developed as a result of resisting your Dad's wounds.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, I just bought me some skinny jeans at H&M for $9.95, so those will be part of my wardrobe, and, of course I will wear my ankle high black boots with them. I will dress in layers because all that chucking and jiving will stir up some heat wink

Thank you Fairlee...I do know he is repentant whether he will verbalize it or not, my heart knows the truth. Bless you for your response...

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

BTW, PP. I don't remember you using pink from your palette before this new painting?

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I didn't use pink...I think it is the novice photographer's issue smile .

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can very much relate to your share here PP and it reminds me of my own little girl within that can sometimes remember being abused and hurt as a child, the feelings of being sad and confused at my Mothers actions were overwhelming. Because of what that little girl you and I have endured we are the loving, compassionate people we now are and protective strong people at that, helping others not have to deal with the same cycle if we can help it. I am so glad you are here and that you were able to be so vulnerable in this post. I am sending you so much love and support right now!!!

P.S. I hope that we someday down the line we really do have an MIP/al-anon get together. When I am done with school and can afford to travel. It would be the coolest thing ever for me, I feel like most of you are family, not really having blood family in my life these days. I appreciate your heart so much PP!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Paula wrote....I see that I have spent much of my adult life looking at my relationship with my dad through the eyes of a therapist, not the eyes and heart of a child. My child's heart needed to feel the hurts and the wounds, not to wallow as a victim; for love, understanding and acceptance. And I needed to share this with trusted individuals, you all. I also need to see and feel the child's heart of my parents. And I need to see and feel the difficult experience of dementia. I cannot headify this and shove down the feelings. It is like trying to submerge balloons.

****************************

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Paula))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I remember when i first CRIED over what happened to me....it was like hoover dam let go.....I am so glad u were able to CRY....i used to look at my relationship w/FOO from the eyes of a judge or a prosecutor, with NO emotions from me...like I could talk about them and their horrific acts like it was the weather....I got more emotional over a snow storm then i did talking about them....my feelings were so stuffed in the cold, I had freezer burn on my feelings...so bit by bit...one by one....easy does it in thawing them out.....now i can remember and if it is appropriate to cry I can, but it took years working on this...talking about it over and over and over again till i finally could get to the feelings part of me....and i agree...your IC needed to feel the hurt she felt, getting beaten and the incident with the bangs , that touched me....our faces and hair are our identities...its like he insulted your identity and i felt sad reading that.....i know how you felt...."SHE" used to mess with my hair and if sober?? no worries it looked nice...if drunk??? i had to go to school w/her "art work" for the other kids to see........i am glad u r not going to shove your feelings....Paula, as much as I want to NOT see you in pain, I know you have to work through it to GET through it and come to making peace with it..........thank you for trusting us w/your pain.....i am sending you much love and hugs and SUPPORT....I soooo relate to your post......this is a breakthrough......for that i will say thank you to your HP

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

(((BF,Rosie))). Thank you...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Dear Paula))) Thank you for trusting us with your child's wounded heart. Going deep within , finding, that pain and then having the courage to share it takes great courage, wisdom and trust. You have taken a huge step in your recovery and am honored to be sharing the journey with you.

I can identify somewhat with that little girl When I was around 10 I was forced to wear my sister's old stained winter coat on a class trip where everyone was wearing their Sundays best .I had a nicer coat but no amount of arguing or screaming could convince mom to change her mind I went wearing the terrible coat and had fun anyway but still remember the anger and resentment over how unreasonable mom had been .

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Betty))) Thank you...

-- Edited by PP on Wednesday 12th of November 2014 10:31:55 PM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I like the pink.

aquamom23 · Senior Member

You are a wonderful daughter to have such willingness to tenderly compassionately and honestly explore all of this. Few could and most don't. Wishing you hot chocolate and a cozy bed to rest.

tpotterf · Member

Your story touched me PP. You are a very eloquent, brave and beautiful lady to share so deeply.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I wanted to reply to you in a loving and caring way so I hope I come across that way. Thank you for trusting and also for showing your example of being kind to yourself. I see that as we progress ld mmemories need to be processed and worked through with this new perspective. Like another layer of healing. I think to see your parents as people with flaws and wounds of their own is true compassion and forgiveness and healing comes from this.taking care of your inner hurt child and soothing her is so important. I hope one day to reach this place that although painful seems to me to be healing.x

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Aquamom, Toni and El-cee))). thank you. Yes, Elcee you did come across in a loving way. Each time I noticed a reply to my post, I was aware of the generosity and love of each person and how the simple act of replying to a post can be a piece of healing in the bigger piece of healing. Even though I did not respond with many words to most replies, there was an awareness of gratitude for each one of you. You all made a contribution to me and I thank you. I have often said to newcomers in meetings, there is a magic that occurs when you are sitting in an al anon meeting...healing does happen whether or not there are any words spoken. Sometimes I place too much emphasis on the spoken word, when the power/truth is often unspoken.

I mentioned to a friend a few days ago that I have witnessed deep depths here lately. Having you all witness a piece of my history is helping me unwind some of the past...not so that I can dwell and wallow in what one of my teachers called "woundology", but to understand, honor and transcend. I have been to too quick in my desires to transcend and the human part of me is left going "what the hell, what about me?" (((MIP)))

-- Edited by PP on Thursday 13th of November 2014 08:37:04 AM

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Paula,

I saw this today and thought of this thread. With this research, apparently you can give yourself a virtual reality hug. A left-brained solution to a right-brained problem. But it sounded like a great idea. Maybe we will all be able to do this someday, but for now, we have our rooms, whether F2F, chat, or forum!

http://www.wirelessdesignmag.com/news/2014/11/virtual-reality-teaches-self-acceptance?et_cid=4263061&et_rid=54159136&type=cta

"Excessive self-criticism plays a prominent role in the development and persistence of many mental health problems including depression. The scientists say people who are self-compassionate tend to have lower levels of self-criticism and are better able to cope with negative life events because self-compassion acts as a buffer, helping to promote a positive mood and general wellbeing."

Don't we all know this!!

Kenny

-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Thursday 13th of November 2014 01:03:51 PM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow, that is a powerful article, Kenny. I can see where that would work, too. Thanks!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.