The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I read a lot of comments here about the tendencies of the A spouse. They seem to tend to be the unloving one, the nasty one, the one who doesn't appreciate their spouse. In our situation, I seem to be all that. But part of it is because my H is passive. And crazy making. He does things that drive me crazy, and then says, "I was just..." (i.e., poor lil innocent him). I feel myself getting crazier around him. I go to meetings - there is only one a week here in my rural area. I read a bunch. I am getting a lot of counseling.
He has basically not been drinking for the past 6 months. With a few slip-ups here and there. But mainly sober.
I guess the place I am really struggling is that I see a brain (his) that doesn't work so well. He has no arguing/negotiating skills. All or nothing. Black or white. And what we argue about is basic household and parenting stuff. Decisions that do need to be made, that can't be ignored or put off.
We did have a joint counseling session yesterday - after many months of resistance by him. Our counsellor told him the negotiating skills are totally missing. Thank God she saw that. Hopefully she will help us get there. But today, it's more of the same.
I feel like I have just had ENOUGH. He is a good man, a kind and gentle man in general. He is always upset that I resist his romantic and sexual moves. But it seems like I am always angry. I am always reeling from some injustice he has said or done, something that sends me right back to fight or flight. My nervous system has not had a chance to calm down since he stopped drinking six months ago.
He can't think ahead, so when I walk away (to calm down), I end up paying a price. One day he did something I felt was cruel to animals we have. Another night, he steamrollered over my protests, when I had an agreement with my kids and their friends that the;y would all go to bed at 10:30, and he put on a movie til midnight. Guess who paid the price the next day with tired kids taking it out on me? But it's not just that we disagree - it's that he uses really ridiculous arguments to bolster his side. Logical fallacies and all that. My brain is very rational, and it is driving me insane.
I know his brain isn't working right. But what I struggle with is the gulf between what everybody else understands, and what he thinks and perceives about himself. Counselors and others tell me to assume he can't do anything right now, or that his brain doesn't work right, but he doesn't believe that. So in his mind, his faulty decisionmaking is weighed equally with mine. (Not that I am always right, but I can stick to the subject when I am arguing my side.) I just cannot figure out how to handle that. I am losing it. I am losing my compassion, my patience, my tolerance. I feel so sad that this is how I feel about this man. Any ESH appreciated.
I used to feel the same in my relationship with my ex. When he wasn't being a nasty drunk, he would either be not 'present' or present but totally messed up. I used to feel that I was married to an immature teenager or even a toddler. We couldn't have an adult conversation. He couldn't understand the things I said. It wasn't an equal partnership and being the only person behaving like an adult in the home drained me a lot.
In support (((hugs)))
Editing to say that I always thought that exAH had some kind of undiagnosed learning disability but now I realise it is probably brain damage from alcohol. It is really sad.
Edited again to share that I googled black and white thinking, which led me to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and it is making a lot of sense.
-- Edited by Luiza on Tuesday 11th of November 2014 04:05:48 PM
-- Edited by Luiza on Tuesday 11th of November 2014 06:20:48 PM
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Welcome to MIP Oceanpine, living with the disease of alcoholism, whether active drinking is present or not certainly does require the use of many of Al-Anon's tools. Since there is only one face-to-face meeting available to you, I would like to suggest that you join our online meetings here. They are held twice a day morning and evening and by so doing you can avail yourself of additional support from those who understand his few others can. Just a simple reminder, please be gentle with yourself and know you are an intelligent, loving, compassionate woman who has been affected by the disease of alcoholism.
I appreciate your honesty and clarity and do so understand the frustration and confusion caused by interacting with a person who has black-and-white thinking. It is great that your husband has stopped drinking but without booze, alcoholism is still very much alive and well. Attendance at AA meetings helps to address the underlying issues of the drinking and until those are addressed the family situation does not change much.
My family of origin is famous for expressing themselves in the fashion that you just described and after many years of attempting to explain or negotiate with them in a healthy manner I have finally surrendered and accepted the fact of who they are what they capable of. In order for me to maintain my serenity I have to stay inside my own sphere of influence, say what I mean mean what I say and detach emotionally from their insanity . For me this is easy because I do not live with them and I do understand the difficulty of attempting to partner with someone such as you describe.
Al-Anon tools of living one day at a time, focused on yourself, acting in your own best interest and trusting HP will help you to grow and thrive.Keepp coming back.
