The material presented
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Hey Everyone! Hope you are all well. It's been a minute since I have posted anything and just wanted to give an update. Marriage counseling for us is going well, we are so blessed to have a man that has 48 years sobriety and also is well educated in not only addiction, but the affects on the family as well. So with a few suggestions from him we are progressing :) There are some times when my AH and I are spending time together that I get a little crazy feeling or a suffocating feeling and I attribute that to I have been living the dream all alone for a long time now and I like the peace, quiet and ability to do as I wish when I want.
We had our first overnight visit this weekend and it went pretty good, however by the time we were done with church on Sunday at 11:30 I was really in an annoyed, irritated type of mood. In general I was just sick of spending time together and wanted to get back to living my own life. I felt somewhat guilty then because it was rather selfish I think. Instead of letting those feelings get the best of me, I just excused myself from watching TV for a few minutes, took time out away from him and got quiet and meditated and felt much better.
Next week I am going to ask our counselor about that kind of feeling and see if it is normal. It is very strange and weird to have someone you really had so much bad stuff with for so long, then that same someone drops out of your life for an extended period of time and is now back and is trying to be all better, it's just plain out weird. I guess it's just another change.
On another note I am proud to report I taught myself to crochet! Oh yeah....I wanted to learn for so long and just never seemed to get the hang of it and would give up, I was determined to learn, watched the same Youtube video over and over and over until I finally got it. This new hobby completely relaxes me, stimulates my need to learn and relieves a lot of stress. My kids are teasing me that I am really becoming an old lady now, but I told them hand crafted items like crocheted blankets, knitted blankets, quilts etc. are becoming more and more scarce and learning something tried and true is worth being considered an old lady.
Hugs to you all and may your week be blessed.
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Good Work Linda I assure you that your feelisng are "Normal" I get that way after spending too much time with my partner--- You took care of yourself and it worked out fine I am happy for you.
I love that you taught yourself a new skill, Linda, and that your marriage counselor is someone you feel safe with and valued by? I can certainly understand your desire to limit your time with your husband on your first weekend together in awhile. It takes energy to do that. It takes solitude to find the energy. I love my friends. I loved my parents. I love and loved my kids and my grandson. I love to see them go home, too, or I love to get home after a time. I have my own life, my own habits, my own hobbies, my own haunts and I don't want to sacrifice any of those anymore for anybody. I think healthy relationships are like that and getting used to that after being enmeshed with loved ones (at least for me) took some time to get accustomed to as I worked the program and matured. There are times I want to spend time with my loved ones and they don't want to be with me. I can better understand that now since I, too, don't always want to spend time with them - not because I don't love them, but because I need to be still or engaged in my own passions or pursuits. I don't think what you're expressing or experiencing is weird. Maybe just part of the process of growth and establishing your identity apart from him?
Grateful: I think you are right! I have established an identity that is just me...it's not me as a Mom, a wife, a grandma, a daughter, an aunt, a friend. It's just me and I like it like that. I think he felt a little hurt and his own very co-dependent things came out when he sensed I was overwhelmed, irritated and annoyed and he wanted to be a rescuer. I just calmly told him it would be ok, just needed a few minutes to gather my thoughts, take a mini-break and then we would be back to doing our yard work together. I actually thought of doing our yard work for winter together when he came home this weekend because while you are both doing work, you are sitting on top of each other, breathing down each others neck and staring at one another, he did gutters, I raked leaves, we would meet in the middle and pick up the leaves, chat a few minutes, laugh etc...but it really helped me not feel so smothered by him.
I think he feels confused by the newer version of me and not wanting to be right next to him 24/7.....I know that kindness, love, space makes it work much better for both of us :)
__________________
Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Good thinking on establishing a rhythm of solitude, separate tasks, coming together, play, and returning to solitude and your respective tasks without trying to micromanage each other. Sounds like establishing a retreat space in your yard to me and making space for grace to enter into it.
Aloha Linda...there were so many things to learn and understand without the disturbance of old rules and alcoholism in my life. When those filters were gone I could see better and do better. Doing new is doing the uncomfortable at times and the program led me with "If you keep and open mind...you will find help" and Open mindedness was the first doing "new". I was stuck in old "have to" paradigms from my family of origin and had to learn new ones from Al-Anon my family of choice now. One new paradigm in thought or perspective is "Marriage is not hostage taking" I wasn't born into a marriage or to be married and so I could choose to be married AND be my own individual self which contributed good stuff to the marriage when I chose. Ii also learned a way at looking at the partner in my life, my wife and live the perspective of "I love you and I love having you here...and...I don't NEED you. I will always have myself and for that I am responsible. Learn your stuff and thanks for bringing it here. ((((hugs))))
Good thinking on establishing a rhythm of solitude, separate tasks, coming together, play, and returning to solitude and your respective tasks without trying to micromanage each other. Sounds like establishing a retreat space in your yard to me and making space for grace to enter into it.