What's wrong with me! - Al-Anon Family Group

Kerrymom · Senior Member

What's wrong with me!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

You're correct - in reference to your last paragraph - not with kids involved. Thank goodness you caught the baby before her fingers went into the blade. And there is nothing saying that you can't be grateful for what he does do and still see what is damaging to you and to your children's wellbeing. A little binge is no better than a big binge for an A. They are not to be trusted with children's wellbeing no matter how many good things they do in a day. One day at a time is working for you. You're not in denial. You see the danger his disease poses for the kids each and every day. I saw the same thing with my x. And when I was willing to go to any length to protect them and to help myself, the power was given me to walk through the door of the unknown into a new life that wasn't perfect either but my children were not in danger nor was I in at least one household and the way to do that was also revealed one day at a time. I did have to get to the place where I didn't give a hoot what he would say, my parents, his parents, the church - even God. I was not going to live any longer than I needed to do that with a sick man who kept bargaining so that he could keep on using and abusing. Later, I realized it was my HP who had been niggling at me gently, day after day, to make the changes I could make with God's wisdom and power. I was just confused about that for a time.

mnkarts2 · Member

Is there any way you can get a protective order of abuse against him? That would put it on the record and maybe then you can start the process.

And there is nothing wrong with you...the decision to leave is an agonizing one. If the children are in danger you just have to make it happen.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I felt uncomfortable, worried and uneasy for a long time too. I decided we were just "room-mates" for a long time and that didn't work well in the end either.
But I stayed stuck and in limbo for a really long time, I kept up my al-anon program even though I wasn't making any real changes in my home life or my relationship with my A, it was just the same old garbage over and over, and I felt crappy about it but I kept on working it. I was tired of myself too. I felt like i wasn't doing anything real, I wasn't being a "good mother", I was failing.
Eventually as my thinking started to change, and I started to value myself, I started to be less and less able to tolerate drunken irresponsible nonsense in my home.
For me it was a subtle, quiet shift in my thinking and what I could tolerate. It wasn't a sudden"superwoman" decision where I stood up and roared 'I am going to change now!"
It just crept in because I kept on with al-anon even when I felt like a fraud. I knew I was onto a good thing, even if I wasn't doing it exactly the way other people said I should.

I guess I'm just saying, nothing is wrong with you. You're reaching out in the best possible place for someone who is living with an alcoholic, and you'll work it out in your own time. Sometimes, feeling hopeless is the best place for us to be because it inspires us to reach for something better.
Just keep at it, keep working the program, I swear it works, but for each of us in our own time.

One trick I was taught was to 'pick a slogan" each day that fitted how I was feeling and just work on that for the day.
For me it is usually a combination of "let go and let God" and 'do the next right thing".
Always doing the "next right thing' puts some power back into my own hands; it isn't just living one day at a time, it is thinking every time I felt stuck...what's the "next right thing' for me to do? Often it is as simple as "fold the washing" or "go walk the dog and enjoy life outside and away from A and his negativity".

Nothing is wrong with you, Kerrymum. Just keep working it.

-- Edited by missmeliss on Monday 10th of November 2014 01:07:33 PM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

**it doesn't really help my sponsor stayed with her AH, though he got sober but doesn't work a program, but she talks a lot about having compassion for him, being grateful for what he does do, etcetera. and has offered articles on working on marriage, etc. i see that could work for some but not with kids involved

There is nothing wrong with you...you sound very much aware of what you are living with and how your life will continue to be if you stay in your marriage. Whether you stay or go is a personal choice, regardless of what others do or don't do. "To thine own self be true". And you can have compassion/gratitude and still choose to leave...there is no either/or here. I am going to offer my opinion here and please take it as such as I do not know all of the details of your relationship with your sponsor. In my opinion, it is not appropriate for her to be providing you with the articles on working on your marriage. One person working on a marriage cannot make it work in a healthy way. Keep your focus on you, then the next steps will come from a more centered, clear space. I would encourage you to explore this issue more with your sponsor..it is also ok to change sponsors.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Paula on the sponsor thing, too. There are some people who believe that it is important to stay married no matter what. I don't agree with those people and I don't try to change their mind either because they're living their dream. They can't live mine and unless I've asked my sponsor for articles on marriage, I'd simply take what I like and leave the rest or ask her what she believes about marriage and divorce or I'd share my own with her if I sensed she was pushing her value system on me. It could become one of those agree to disagree issues that can surface in the best relationships. As a sponsor, I also appreciate it when folks share with me what their beliefs and values are when it comes to marriage. That helps me know what I need to know in being another's sponsor that is helpful to them.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I have seen many people stay worrying about visitation.

But what does that do to the kids? What does it teach them when the non A parent puts up with this behavior?

Myself I do get it, for me though it is day at a time. Don't even mention visitation. I would get the divorce then find out if the kids even want to see him? If they do, you can always meet in a park, go to a movie and you go sit somewhere else or come by to pick up. It does not mean you have to allow them to go be with him with no protecting the kids!

I hope you will be true to you and the kids and do what is best for you guys. hugs

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with you and grateful....is their any way you can video him with your cellie when hes drunk??? passing out??? sounds like he hasn't gotten into trouble so you have nothing in the way of evidence re: police action or DUI's, etc., to get supervised visits he shoudl NEVER be lest to care for those children alone...that baby, it makes me cringe thinking of her sticking her hand into the fan........maybe documentation, keeping a diary, are their liquor receipts on c/cards, etc???

i would go to a domestic abuse shelter and tell em my story and see what direction you can get from them....there has to be proof you can show your attorney, like the things i mentioned above...it sounds covert and sneaky, but ya know?? when it comes to a child??? there is no such thing as "being mrs. nice guy" those kids's safety and well being are at stake......don't plan on him NOT fighting you over visitation...most likely he will fight, so you gotta start gathering your evidence and i woudl def. see a DV shelter expert and see what they have to say

so sorry about this.....I wish my mom cared enough about her children like you do........my respect and support go out to you

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Kerrymom. I agree with the others. Sponsors are not supposed to advise. Nor was it her place to offer marriage counseling(that sounds like what she was doing with the article). However, sponsors may act as springboards for you to bounce ideas off of. At one of my f2f meetings I told my sponsors (I have two) that I was thinking about leaving my ah. They asked me what had made me come to that decision. This question opened the door for me to talk about my feelings and reasons for leaving. While talking to them about my reasons, I realized if I had left at that time, I would have been leaving for the wrong reason. To me that's what a good sponsor does. She listens and lets you talk.

If you can get enough evidence that shows he is an alcoholic, that should be enough to warrant supervised visits.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I'm praying for you.

Take care of you!

Kerrymom · Senior Member

Thank you everyone for the ESH - I have been documenting and recording and did bring it to two lawyers and a divorce mediator - they sympathized with me but that was it saying it wouldn't be enough if challenged. And yes he will challenge it, in his mind he does SO much how would I get by alone! At some point I will have to pray and go forward. I've reached the point where I am done, several weeks ago actually, which is what makes staying so hard now. It's just hard thinking I'd be handing the kids over for any length of time! I can give him over to his HP not so easy with the kids! Thanks again!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Just for me it sounds like you have already left and need to walk out the door. I hated being that way...it wasn't so much ambivalence as it was feeling depressed and lost. When I got past that part with the help of Al-Anon and my sponsor and the men in the program and my counselor, I took the risk and left the outcome to God. There are no and were no guarantees and I think the outcome could have been a bit less messy while the realization is that it also could have been a complete disaster. I stopped thinking beyond "what wrong with me is that I'm procrastinating on a very important decision for my life. My sponsor in hindsight was awesome and in reality at the time a sponsor and the reason I needed him was for the different opinion and view ...different than my own which wasn't working...regardless of whether I acted on his or someone else's. My sponsor gave me the support to talk with others so that my perspective was wide and I bless him and his memory deeply for that. Thank you God.

You're you trying to be a different you and there is no wrong in that...just choices and consequences. Pick the consequence you want and make the choice to get it.

(((((hugs))))) smile

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