The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Finishing organising MY bedroom, I put up, on the top of shelve's unit, two photos of my wedding. One is exAH and our daughter when she was 6 months old and the other is a group photo of everyone who attended. So I am here on my computer and I look at the photos now and then. Why? I don't have a clue. I am just allowing myself to feel my feelings and do what is comfortable to me. I am not sure how long the photos will stay there. But right now I think they should be there for some reason. It is weird as I am happy on my own and feeling very peaceful. I don't miss him. Maybe I miss the guy he was at the beginning of the relationship. He changed so quickly and I always thought it was my fault. Now I know it wasn't.
Today is one week since he moved out. It feels like one month.
He wanted to collect daughter from school the other day. He asked me by message if it was ok with me and said he would ask daughter if she wanted to come and spend the afternoon with him. If she didn't want he would just bring her home. Today he has sent messages again arranging for contact 2 days next week. On those two days he will have to fit around her extra curricular activities which he will. He always asks if I am ok with the contact and if daughter is ok too in seeing him. Always polite and agreeable. Such a difference. I am happy for him. It makes me feel more at easy let him having contact.
Daughter is very happy. It has been easier than I ever could imagine, handling her, handling him. Sometime I wonder why it is being so easy and what is waiting for me around the corner....From a young age I feel very alert when things are going too well. Maybe is the feeling of not deserving happiness....
I did and am still doing so many changes in the home...moving the furniture around, putting the things in the way I always wanted...making the home look like 'me'. I couldn't do this before, it had to be all about him. I bought some compost to re-pot the house plants, he never wanted to do it, always said the plants were fine when they clearly aren't...I bought a kit of tools (and the are pink!) and I will DIY around the home and I know it will make me really proud of myself...but I still feel guilty having the whole bedroom and home whilst he went elsewhere (even though it is rented so not even 'mine')...I really need to work on my guilty. I haven't been to a F2F meeting for ages, it is all during my working hours. The only one I could go to starts 8pm on Mondays, I don't have anyone to leave daughter with.
At least I have a very good friend coming over for lunch on Saturday, I haven't see her for ages as she was travelling for 6 months. She knows me long before I met AH and listened to many stories and complaints. I haven't told her about my separation yet, I will see if she can guess. It will be a very interesting day, daughter will be out with her dad and granny so friend and I can just talk and talk and talk and hopefully laugh a lot too.
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
I'm just happy for you. You sound good!
I also don't see anything wrong with mourning the marriage a little, I have been feeling a bit the same way. I DO miss the guy he was, I wasn't allowed to feel that before because i had to try not to feel anything about him.
Hugs to you, it sounds like you are doing great. Yay for your pink tool-kit. I bought mine when my marriage ended and it has a red-rose pattern on the handles LOL!!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I'm glad you are re-creating yourself and your life. I understand you to be saying that you feel guilty because you were put in a position by your AH to ask him to leave the apartment because he wouldn't allow you to rest or your daughter to have the benefit of a peaceful, drama free life. After acting on that decision, you also gave him time to find a place to live elsewhere. So, now he is living where he chose to move. If what I've written is pretty much the thumbnail sketch of how he got from your co-shared apartment to where he is living now, could you help me understand what you did that was inappropriate, underhanded, unhealthy, revengeful, punishing, deceitful or otherwise damaging to him?
Luiza, you sound as though you have found serenity. I'm glad you are making things look like you and putting you first. I'm hoping you can find a way to get to some f2f meetings, but if not, maybe the online meetings here.
Take care of you and take one day at a time.
It works if you work it.
__________________
Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
So I am here on my computer and I look at the photos now and then. Why? I don't have a clue. I am just allowing myself to feel my feelings and do what is comfortable to me.
You probably haven't allowed yourself to feel feelings in a long time! Go ahead and feel them! We all know feelings aren't facts, but that doesn't make them any less important.
Maybe I was afraid of my feelings before, yes. Specially the good ones. I remember all the resentment that follows the disappointment of seeing him acting crazy or just putting the alcohol first whilst I was doing my best to make the relationship work as well as joggling everything else since he was always unavailable one way or another. It is hurtful when you hope and believe things are getting better but it all comes down crashing again after a night in the bar. Well, he had so much to lose and he did lose it in the end...I know rationally I shouldn't feel guilty, I told him many times I wasn't going to be able to keep living that kind of life.
I think that deep inside he wanted the relationship to end too. He wanted to live a single life, going to bars whenever possible without having to worry about my reaction. Getting drunk, staying in bed until late, watch TV and play games without a wife nagging him to be part of the family or a child demanding his attention. I bet it feels liberating for him going back to his new house knowing that no one will bother him, or be angry, disappointed, etc.
I read here that As feel ashamed of themselves. I am not sure my exAH feels this way. If he does, he never shows it. Even when daughter and I had to leave our accommodation during the holidays in Greece because of his crazy nasty behaviour. Following day he was upset with me for getting help from his family...I had to explain to him why he was out of order and demand an apology. But I guess he probably doesn't remember as much as I do. And his family never tells him he is wrong. I am the troublemaker for not putting up with him. I am grateful to be out of that dysfunction now.
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
I'm glad you have now landed in the grace of gratitude rather than the prison of guilt. You learned that an active alcoholic does not a good partner for you make and you made the changes you could make. And you gained some peace and some structure for yourself and your daughter that was very much needed. Good for you.
