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I have a boy of 25 living with me. He grew up with my kids and now rents an extra bedroom from me, But he is like a son to me and doesn't get much (has never gotten) parenting from his actual parents. He is drinking way too much and way too heavily. To black out state several times a week, often accompanied by rage and destructiveness and then no memory of his actions. I feel like it falls to me to try to make him realize the down hill spiral hes on, but I have no idea how to approach it. He loves and respects me entirely and im sure he will listen respectfully. But what can I say that will really sink in and help? Anything? Ive tried casually mentioning my concern a few times and he doesnt really say anything and just continues doing what hes doing. Hasb anyone has a conversation like the one I need to have with any success? Any suggestions at all would be really appreciated! Thanks in advance for any input. Trish
re: the rage an destructivness...do you mean at people?? or prop. damage???? this kid could be dangerous...and you may have to make him leave if he is dangerous.....rage and destructivness is a BIG red flag to me...can ya give us a bit more details???
also, not much you and do with a non recovering alcoholic who will , without recovery, get worse, sicker and problems will increase...you can't force him into recovery
if this were me, i would tell him, AA or you gotta go...i won't allow ragers and destructive folks around me...my youngest brother has anger/destructive issues and he wants to visit me...I refused him....I worked too hard for what i got to let an active alkie and/or drug user ruin what i worked so hard for......my beloved niece/daughter whom i finished raising up , (i took her away from my bio sister b/c of abuse) she has been clean for 3 years....i still would not trust her to be in my house, alone, unless she is clean for ten years or so....my decision to protect me...and i love the girl, but i won't have a day more of my life ruined by this disease that they can get help for and arrest the drinking and through program develope healthier ways to live.......just saying...
you are a good woman to take this kid in under your wing, but you don't owe him your safety....
please give alanon a chance....meetings are fantastic ways to interact with folks in your situations and the support is worth its weight in gold...You are not alone, you have loads of company
there are moms here on this board, and dads who can give you some more direction.........IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I have learned that it falls to the person with the disease, the God of their understanding, and other recovering alcoholics to help a person on this downward spiral. We tend to blame parents for kids with this disease and actually a child is born with a genetic pre-disposition to the disease which affects the drinker and all those around him in ways that can make us sick, too, without getting into recovery ourselves who tend to be enablers trying to give an active alcoholic a safe place to fall when its actually falling hard that can help the alcoholic choose to go for help they need with this disease.
We recommend attending Al-Anon meetings for friends and family members of an alcoholic. There we receive the education, the support and the fellowship we need to do what is countercultural in relationship to a person with this disease. We are not immune to the effects of this disease and Al-Anon helps us see ways to protect and heal ourselves from the effects of the disease whether or not the carrier of it continues drinking. At 25, you are dealing with an adult alcoholic who is responsible for himself, his disease and the consequences of that disease. We can be concerned and state that but if the other doesn't act on it, it isn't our job to keep repeating the message. It is our job to take good care of ourselves whether or not the other stops drinking. Taking care of ourselves can also include asking them to leave our homes. Parents have been forced to do this and hard as it is, it is better than keeping the active adult alcoholic in their home making life hell for everybody around them as they drink and slowly (and sometimes suddenly) kill themselves with the poison that alcohol is for them.
Glad you're here. Keep coming back. Others will greet you.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 9th of November 2014 03:34:43 PM
Thanks guys for your input. I do not feel in danger, however my belongings sometimes are. I feel so frustrated, just want him to see himself thru my eyes. He has so much potential and hes so young :(
For me I set firm boundaries and conditions and use to assist clients in doing the same. Conditions such as no drinking on "my" property and no being drunk either. (Worked this with my own elder son). Rage and property destruction results in a call to the police and he will have to handle that when the call is made...get an agreement on this for several reasons; one being that he participates in the decision and the outcome. Condition...A.A...attendance steadily for 3 months before you both re-evaluate the situation...this one has no acceptable objections and the consequences for him is improved health, mind, body, spirit and emotions. He will agree that if the places were switched he would also be looking for conditions such as this from a best friend or relative that drank to excess. Alcoholics can feel consequences...let him feel it. He is not a bad person...he is a sick one. I also agree with give Al-Anon a chance for yourself and stick with MIP cause this is where the tried and true experiences, strengths and hopes are. Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
Hi MM and welcome to MIP. You have found a group of wonderful, understanding and supportive people here who know your pain. Sadly, you are probably not going to be able to say anything that will sink in, because he's sick. If it were me, I would set conditions and boundaries. I like what Jerry said.
Also, if you haven't already done so, please seek out Al-Anon f2f meetings for yourself.
I'm glad you found us. Please keep coming back.
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
Wish I had some advice for you - setting clear boundaries and then following through is probably the way I would go. Good luck - I hope he gets some help before he becomes too dependant on the alcohol, if he is not already.
