Hi.  Welcome to MIP.  How old is your teen son if you don't mind my asking?

Dear Mellie Welcome to MIP I so understand the fear, sadness and unconditional love for your son of which you speak. Alcoholism is a fatal, progressive disease that can be arrested and never cured . AA is a recovery program for those with the compulsion to drink an Al-Anon is a recovery program for family members who live with them.

I urge you to search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. I too was frightened, lonely, frustrated and completely powerless over my child. Al-Anon offered me hope for my own sanity, fellowship that helped to break the isolation caused by the disease, new tools to live by and a safe place to practice them. You are alone so I urge you to keep coming back

Al-Anon meetings and reading as much as you can (there are multiple websites on parents with addicted kids to read that can give you information on what is healthy and what is not healthy in relationship to our kids depending on their ages) can help you deal with yourself, your need to set boundaries for yourself and your minor child in ways that will work for you, and the disease's manipulations. MIP is a good source of support and encouragement. You didn't cause his disease. You can't cure it. You can't control it. You can learn the ways that disease affects you and learn new ways to relate to your teen. I'd also like to suggest a good addictions counselor for you who can act help you learn what works and what doesn't work when it comes to being the mother of a teen and a teen who might have the disease. Books by Toby Rice Drews which are cheap and available through Amazon in addition to Al-Anon literature that you can purchase at meetings or through our World Service Office of Al-Anon can be a help to you, too. Meetings are really the best way to begin the process of healing for you and gaining the support of others who have been there or are going through what you are experiencing. If you keep an open mind, you will find help. Keep coming back here, too. We understand because many of us have lived what you are experiencing.

 

 

Aloha Mellie...I love him to pieces and this is killing me.  God do we understand that oxymoron.  In the Al-Anon face to face meeting groups in your area there is a lot of information available in pamphlet and book form.  Only one of those is entitled "So you love an alcoholic" and with the many others comes a lot of education and insight.  This is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease and perpetrated by customs and laws.  For now it isn't going to get less...only worse as Betty has said "Progressively".  Your son is trying to tell you to 'STOP"!! haunting him and his life and you know that is one thing you can actually try "STOP' as a change in the process for yourself...not for him.  We have a 3Cs principle in Al-Anon meaning You didn't Cause it, you cannot Control it and you won't ever Cure it.  Does that not validate a STOP behavior; and then you will have to do something to fill in the idle time which is mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically disturbing.  That is where Al-Anon comes in along with MIP.  We will share with you what we have learned and practice now and which works for us on a daily basis.  Sit down, read, listen, learn, practice, practice, practice.  Everyone here has been or is also where you are at now and we are now with trust, faith, and experience that we don't ever have to remain in the problem.  

Your son is trying to help you by getting you to STOP and allow him the dignity of the consequences of his choices.  Let him feel the full pain of his choices and behaviors and turn him over to a power greater than yourself.   Keep coming back here for more support.    ((((hugs))))

Thank you all for your responses. I am going to start to attend meetings. I feel so anxious and nervous and my life is spiraling out of control. I don't know what to do anymore. I cannot control my son no matter what I do.

This is hell, yet, it may be the best place because you have reached for help.  It was when my son was 17 and in trouble with alcohol, that I finally reached for an addiction counselor; my recovery from codependence began.  It may not be true for you but it was for me, that my son was a product of being raised in an addicted household.  He watched his dad take in alcohol and prescription pain pills and his mama use the best codependent tools available.  I am glad you found this forum and will be attending al anon meetings.  Blessings.....

Well, at 17 he's still a minor. Not sure how close to 18 he is. But you have a lot of choices. Detaching from a child that age is not the same as for an older adult child or spouse. It would be within your bounds to report him as a runaway when he doesn't come home. It may also be within your bounds to make it clear that he won't be living with you with that lifestyle once he turns 18. I don't know for sure what is right for you. He does have a genetic link to addiction and that has nothing to do with you. Even the parts he witnessed with dad - Well, it's not like you planned that. I guess the best I can say is be ready to let him go so he can find his HP and find himself. He will learn from the real world (or not) but he wont learn from keeping a roof over his head and nagging. For now, at 17, you can set the law - literally.

I apologize a head of time for my crassness and out spoken behavior. I keep trying but, I keep trying and trying and I will keep trying. :)

Sorry to read about your situation. I've been there and still am. I don't think you are doing him any good sitting there worrying. You are only making yourself sick. Then what good will you be to him when he does come to you for help, not money.  You have to prepare yourself for that day. Get yourself strong. Get yourself informed (al-anon mtg.). Just for today, please enjoy the sun and the last songs of the birds before they hide for the winter. I will be thinking about you today and wondering which you chose.

I care :)

 

At 17, I don't know whose car he is driving, but you would be responsible for accidents, insurance, etc as his parent, I would think to some degree? There is nothing saying that you owe him a car or the keys to a car. You'd still have to maintain insurance on your car since he is living in the house, but he isn't demonstrating that he is able to handle the responsibility of driving if that is what he is doing. There are also Tough Love groups for parents if you're interested. That might help you, too? At 17, 18, I'm not so sure it mattered to me if my parents loved me as much as it mattered to me that I did something with my life. As a Mom, I don't agree that you should totally let go of him given his age and the fact that he isn't an emancipated minor.