The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday I felt very depressed and lonely. I couldn't stop crying and kept thinking how much I was missing him. Today I gave in and talked to him. It was the best thing I could have done because I realised within a very short space of time that I had made the right decision to leave. He was drinking while we were talking (that's how serious he is about working on our relationship and communicating better!) and before long became repetitive and was not making much sense and basically was trying to start an argument. I just didn't go there. I didn't try to justify or explain. I didn't react. And of course, there was no point in pointing out that he was not making sense because he just wouldn't get it. How funny it is to me right now that I see this situation as ludicrous when once before I would have felt so anxious and hurt. Tonight I have reaffirmed that we are just not on the same page. I can feel that I am accepting and letting go even more. I do have feelings for him still and it bothers me that a friend of mine commented that I should not end it if I still love him and also another Alanoner said at a meeting the other night that she regretted leaving her A because she still loved him. It put seeds of doubt into my mind but this call tonight has put me back on track...I think. One day at time...thanks for listening to me rant. Hugs to all.
Yeah A's do what they have always done, what are you gonna do? A very wise member once asked me that and I had to think about how I had so many cycles to break, but slowly but surely I stopped jumping back on the crazy train to looneyville and I got healthier. It's about progress not perfection, so keep making the next best decision and putting the right in front of the left and you will continue growing. Great awareness! Al-anon so saved my sanity and thus life. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hugs rainbow, I so relate to this, any and all communication with A or his family now leave me with the same feeling, it's pointless, it's the same as it always was and I don't want to get sucked back into that unchanging misery! Isn't it good just to realise that and to realise we are responding differently and not buying the nonsense?
I feel like I keep falling off the horse and getting back on too, like I have been trying to learn to ride for weeks and haven't even made it out of the stable yet, lol. But I'll keep at it. It's a good analogy.
Hugs back to you. We'll get there, one day at a time...
(((Rainbow)))
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I fell off the horse once with my x. I invited him to dinner during a weak moment. Spent what little I had to cook his favorite meal. He didn't show. He did me a favor. I knew that there was no going back and that I didn't make a mistake in moving on. I was tempted off and on to go back and something would happen prior to that next phone call or prior to that next car ride to his apartment that helped me stay in my own hula hoop and do something else that was better for me. There is hope and then there is false hope. Our experience and our HP can and will show us the difference when we get confused in my experience.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 7th of November 2014 09:34:29 AM
Rainbow Keep taking care of yoursellf, live ODAT, do not project and trust HP(Your inner voice) for guidance. Grieving is part of letting go and tears will flow.
Keep sharing and keep coming back You are worth it.
I too,am struggling with loneliness and pain and I don't like it,but I know I have to keep doing this so I will get better.I am thinking of the man I fell in love with, and he was quite the charmer,and he showered me with promises of love,a master manipulator and a man of many secrets,I realize he had to be,he couldn't show me his true self at first, I would have been appalled.But instead,he was like a beautiful spider and he lured me in his web and then he spun it around me and bit me,well ouch that is a big ouchie isn't it!I wanted my wonderful love back and that never happened and it was hard to face that was never going to be.It sounds like you heard that spider when you talked on the phone and that is the important thing to keep in mind.
I do have feelings for him still and it bothers me that a friend of mine commented that I should not end it if I still love him and also another Alanoner said at a meeting the other night that she regretted leaving her A because she still loved him. It put seeds of doubt into my mind but this call tonight has put me back on track...I think. One day at time...thanks for listening to me rant. Hugs to all.
I still have feelings for my 2nd Ex...would i take him back??? NO!!! get back on that crazy rollar coaster??? NO!!! yea, we had a lot of laughs, he was good to me, but he was an active DRUNK....killling himself slowly w/alcohol NOT choosing to arrest it and get healthy with AA......I would have ended up giving him end of life care...putting my life on hold while he slowly died and i am nursing him????? Noooo!!! not gonna happen.....even when they get into recovery the first 5 or so years, the risk of relapse is real high........so the other alanoner missed her A....I don't miss the puking in the bathroom and missing the bowl 1/2 the time, late at night, i don't miss the broken dates we planned....I don't miss having to sit in a bar till 2am b/c he wants one more drink and i am ready to go well b4 that....i don't miss his getting plowed at get togethers and embarrassing me with his inane conversation.......i can love someone but know they are toxic for me....i had to choose...this insane way of life, or me....i finally chose me.....and your friend , i am sure, means well, but is she married to an alcoholic??? does she live with this???? love does not cure all things....and love can easily turn to disgust, even hate if violated enough times..........i hope you do what is right for you and tell others "thank you for your share, but I am gonna do what is best for me" and then don't "go there" with people who oppose your doing what you need to do for you....i have friends who have advised me, in fact, when i dumped EX AH #2, i got folks who said "oh no....don't...hes a good guy" well they were NOT living with a person committing slow suicide and all the rest of the crap i lived with......i just told them "i appreciate your concern, but i am leaving....end of case" and i did....good for you, seeing what u r "missing"...and yes...one day at a time.........and its ok to rant.....i do it often.....then i work my options on what best to do to take care of me............IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Good thread. I had those feelings when I was still living with exAH in the same home albeit separate. Every attempt to maintain a normal and civil interaction was so hard. Why is it so hard for them to respond like normal people? The question I ask myself loads is: How could I even have survived so many years of interacting that way? Now that I am feeling confident to be myself again and as I interact with so many people on daily basis at my new job, I realise how my own view of the world and people and relationships were distorted. The disease was distorting my own life not only his. I still care for him and worry about him and wish him well but I need to keep my distance. I will not be dragged down again.
-- Edited by Luiza on Saturday 8th of November 2014 03:50:28 PM
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Thanks everyone for reading and for your ESH. You have really helped me get sort my head out .
You are all right. I just can't go back the way it was. I know this deep in my heart. And I have to allow myself to grieve.
No matter what feelings I have for him, nothing is worth living with that craziness again. I am packing up the rest of his stuff and putting it in the garage tomorrow so he can come get it.
Update: We spoke again today saying that he wants to see me in a week. I replied "So what miracle could have happened in one week to fix 'us'?"
I gently told him that I just can't and don't want to do it anymore and I asked him not come near me. He was upset and angry but I couldn't take that on board.
So thinking about ODAT, I took myself off to the beach, met up with a friend at a a spiritual festival, bought some candles and nag champa, had lunch with another friend and helped her with some work stuff (great to help her and get the focus off me for a while) and then I came home I had this feeling that I am in my zone, lit the nag champa and realised I was looking forward to my own company. I've realised the more I work these steps, the more self-respect I am feeling. I am also realising how consuming the craziness of A was! When you are in it, you just don't notice! Ugh! I also think I did project my frustration and distress into other important relationships and I feel really bad about that. To start to make amends, I have called some of my family tonight and apologised if I did that as I never meant to burden by making them worry, upset or hurt them and I just didn't see what was happening until today. It was the right thing to do and the outcome was positive.
Letting go and letting God and taking one day at a time.
Sounds like good lessons learned. It doesn't say in any alanon literature how to deal with your ex or qualifier specifically. I don't know that you fell off at all. If you are happy, moving forward, and learning spiritual lessons, you are making steady progress.
