Let's start with the bullet I dodged. And my very, very deep gratitude for the place I am staying, and the place I am not staying.

My mother has been unkind, oh so unkind. I am so, so very glad I did not go there to stay. It has been 11 years now since I stayed there for 2 months after my marriage ended and now I remember how it was and I am SO glad, so deeply glad I am not there now. Today she left for a 2 week overseas holiday. I mentioned that I would be coming to pick up some uni books, some clothes (we only kept bare essentials, 1 pair of pants, 2 t-shirts, a change of underwear, 1 towel each etc and everything else is at my mothers as she took all but a days worth of stuff before I learned I had a place to stay). She tells me I cannot go to her house while she is not there to supervise. But mother I need my books, my daughter and I need clothes, my brother can let me in, all of my stuff is at your house....No Melissa you may NOT come here while I am not home, you might let the dog out, you cannot get things from the garage you might drop a box or something on my car and damage it (Oh my God she's serious). But mother, what would you have done if I had come to stay there? How would you ave prevented me from letting the dog out or dropping things on your car in the garage?"

"I was going to have your sister come to stay and keep an eye on things".

My sister is 21 years old and has lived out of home for 4 weeks now. I am 38 and have never given any reason for this insane and insulting idea, that she would have my sister come and "supervise" me at her house. No, you might be thinking "wow, Melissa must be irresponsible, dirty, careless, mentally deficient, there must be a reason". There isn't, I am not. She says I simply "don't know how the house is run". Bull. I have very carefully cultivated OCD just like my siblings. I remember very well how things are run. I am an exceedingly cautious and careful person, quite afraid to do ANYTHING in case I drop something, break something, hmm, ok. She is not concerned that i will do any of these things, this is a jab at me, in fact there have been times she has asked ME to go and stay and "supervise" while she has been overseas, it is just a game, "who's the trustworthy favorite sibling this week". When I am grounded, happy and not in need, mother can be very nice and kind to me, but when I am down, sad, struggling, she is relentlessly cruel. I think I had almost forgotten that. Like I always forgot with A.

So, when she was insisting I must send my things to her house instead of to storage, one of her reasons was "you might not be able to access you things when you need them". Now I am not allowed access to them for 2 weeks. Daughter and I need clothes, my jeans have died, the seat has torn and now I must have a jacket tied around my waist so I don't flash my butt at everyone, daughter has 1 set of school clothes, it will cost me MORE than a month's worth of storage fees to buy us what we need, not to mention my books. (And I do not have this money, I do not have 2 pennies to rub together, all of it went hiring the carpet cleaner for the old house, the tip fees, petrol, etc, etc. I am skint). So I must learn from this, when i can afford it, move my things to storage, it will be expensive, she lives a long way away. This was a stupid, stupid mistake on my behalf but i cannot go back in time, it is what it is.

I do not respond to any of this garbage from my mother, when she shows me how it is going to be I reply, nicely with "I see. Have a nice holiday" and a smiley face and leave it at that. But she sends me taunting messages, she wants me to engage, I see. It is a game, I won't play it, I repeat my desire for her to enjoy her holiday then stop reading her messages. She begins messaging daughter instead, and I see, I really see how it would have been if I had gone there. The habits of a lifetime, me trying to reason, trying to "make her like me", her making a show of spoiling daughter and telling me how unworthy and useless I am. It is cruel. I feel a lot of anger about this, it is a bit frightening actually. For the first time in my life I do not feel sad or wish to "make mother be nice to me". I don't in fact CARE if my mother likes me. This is new, it's good, I think it is an AHA moment for me. My mother has, for most of my life, been very unkind to me. I do not need to make unkind people love me. I see. One size fits all. We will continue to have a relationship but I will not put myself in a position where she can degrade and hurt me, that part of my life is past now.

It is such a strange, strange situation I find myself in.

I have not heard from A at all. I see he is online each night, he signs in to skype, it is my only means of contact and until the old house has been fully paid for and the bond refunded I would be foolish to block him, but we don't speak, I guess that's good but it does shock me, did he forget me already? Did I really spend 8.5 years trying every which way to please him and make him love me to be forgotten as soon as I am out of sight and not of use to him? I guess that's good, it's still a pretty harsh lesson to learn. I don't contact him, I will delete him from my contacts so I can't be reminded as soon as our business is finalised. I know he has a phone now, I have not asked for the number and he doesn't have mine.  His brother does though, perhaps I will change it, put it all in the past for good.

So for the very first time in my life I have no-one abusive around me, no-one taking advantage or trying to upset me for their own entertainment. It is just me, daughter, dog and cat in a small room. It is hot, I cannot pretend I am happy, I am squashed in bed each night with daughter snoring and scratching my legs with her toenails, throwing her arms and legs over me, she is a restless sleeper. Dog on my feet, cat all over my face.  I cannot be alone, I have not a square inch of privacy or space, I go to my car to cry because the pressure just keeps building until I snap, over and over. We need so many things yet I have no money. I need to get a job, today I see one advertised, how do I show up in jeans with the seat torn out, runners, a t-shirt that is too small, I look awful, I have gained weight, I feel so revolting. I don't have money, resources, ways to make myself feel better right now, I am just yukky and look like a hobo, I feel so icky. 

Daughter has gone tonight to a night away with her youth group, I found the money for that, it gives her time with her friends and me a little space for one night, she is really unhappy with me, grumpy and snippy, I don't blame her, I am grumpy, I have no smiles at the moment, I am tired and agitated and complain and then hate myself for complaining, I see why she is unhappy with me, she will get over it I guess but it hurts, I can't let it, these are hard times for us, I am doing everything in my power to make her life enjoyable and pleasant, she is still at her school with her friends, she has just come back from a theme park holiday on the Gold Coast, I cannot be perfect smiling happy mother all the time, there is nothing for me at the moment, I cannot remember the last time i did something fun or happy or even smiled with any real feeling. I can't feel guilty for not being smiling super-mum all the time, I don't have room for more guilt, I am doing my best. 

What else? I have been going to my course. They decide they want us to go for an extra day each week, to run some youth programs, nights at the center, in the "war on drugs" etc. This will count towards our placement hours. But wait, I do not have a spare day a week for volunteer work just now, and we are not youth workers, none of us is interested in this kind of stuff, arranging big parties for well-to-do teenagers who "might be tempted" by drugs and alcohol, (it is an important job, just not a part of my career path) I go home feeling numb and confused, I don't even feel enthusiastic about doing the drug and alcohol/mental health course right now to be honest i don't even want to THINK about drugs and alcohol and mental health, I want to get back to my bachelor degree, I feel very enthused by this, I have contacted them, I am ready, and on top of that i need paid work, so I turn up today and I deliver this news, but then I end up staying for the day helping with the project, I feel capable, everyone is asking me what to do, I feel good about my ability to do this, something is different in me. I have some confidence I didn't have before, they ask if I will stay in a part-time capacity and any hours I put in will still count towards the placement, it's nice to be needed, my ideas are good, it's a good result. I enjoy working with the team today, but I need paid work ASAP. I am capable of more than I was before, I don't feel afraid or small or unsure of myself. I can reach for something better, I have skills and abilities. Something right and fitting is going to be revealed, a means of supporting myself properly. Perhaps this experience is part of it, who knows.

So, I am all over the place. I swing between angry, sad, hopeless and ashamed. I do not feel serene, I can't even imagine serene. I am alone but I am free from abuse. I have nothing but I have my entire future ahead of me, and I am free to choose what is best for myself. My house-mate is kind, friendly, impartial and supportive. We catch up and yak at least once a day. I feel no pressure or unkind intent, she's so lovely. My daughter is unhappy with me, she misses having a house, her trampoline, having parties and friends over, but hey, I am doing everything I can to provide stability and happiness for her, so, she will get over the resentment, I cannot be everything to everyone and I can't expect her to respond with compassion and other adult tools, she is herself, she's awesome, she will adjust, so will I. It is what it is.

I can't remember what happy feels like. I feel a huge stabbing miserable pain when I think about A, that I loved so much for so long and it was worth so little and is already forgotten. I won't apologise for it, in fact I am almost celebrating it; finally I am free to admit to myself that I loved and still love this person who hurt me so much; for such a long time I had to squash those feelings and deny them and pretend I was strong and I didn't care. I do care, and sometimes I cry and miss him and I have nothing to be sorry about, it just is. Like I am free to be angry with my mother, I don't have to squash the feelings down and smile and suck up to her. 

But I realise something today and it is important. I am free to feel these crappy feelings, I do not need to justify them, deny them, try to pretend they are something else. I do not need to accept crumbs of kindness from abusive people nor try to manipulate them into validating me. I'm alone, I'm alive and it is awful but it is not unbearable. It will pass, one foot in front of the other, in 6 weeks my loan will be paid off and I will have more money, I will find work, the old house has been declared clean and well-kept so my reputation will be restored, we will rent again, I will savor my independence and never give it away to anyone, ever again. And at some point, I will start to feel happy again, there will be fun, it won't always feel this awful. It's just a theory at the moment but, I'm pretty sure it's going to play out OK.

Thanks for reading.