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let it go. That is what unfolds within me. My daughter is a daddies girl. To see him come home is like Elvis has entered the building,with cake. Her eyes sparkle,she clasps her hands together and calls daddy! Little footsteps charging down to the door. My mother was a daddies girl too. Her father was also an a who passed from cirrhosis of the liver when she was 17. She says she would collect him from the pub,bring him home on the bus,sometimes his pants would be falling down. When I look at my daughter and her father now,that reality just breaks my heart for mother and her father both. Dreadful horrible s*&% of a disease. As things are now with me, I know that I still have love for the man I married. I like to feel love for people. Yet I know also that our togetherness is killing that love. Too many bad memories already. Sometimes we speak of shining knights.he wasn't a knight,but he was a man who bought food to my table caught with his own two hands and he never made himself out to be a ceo of anything but his own direct and simple truth.I loved that man and he's somewhere there. I dreamed of us being free of addiction and taking it home to our drowning island.well,it was a good dream.pink chip said somewhere don't panic separation is not divorce. I like this. Sometimes when you love something you have to let it go. My darling I love you. I'm letting go.
This was beautifully written and I can feel the emotion in it. Thanks for coming here being so vulnerable and honest. I can relate to loving someone that is an A and being so hurt that you have to let go. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
That almost made me cry....for real. First off, I want to say that you have and amazing and poetic way of expressing yourself. I noticed it in your other posts too. I know it's not something that probably feels so wonderful given all that is going on, but still...had to say that.
It is true that giving someone space allows them to focus on them and you to focus on you. It's is rough. I know other folks here are going through that separation stage also and trying to figure out how to move forward with or without staying married. Not easy. For me, I could not figure out a way to be with my ex-A without enabling and also sabotaging myself....I tried...tried long and hard. We were not married and didn't have kids so I can only imagine how much more difficult it is with those factors in play.
My Dad was not an A and I can relate totally to your daughter's love for her Dad. I felt that way about my own Dad right up to, during and after his death. My Dad was not perfect. He was strong in some ways and weak in others. I chose to emulate what was strong in him and to accept what was weaker although that didn't come without saying what I needed to say to him about my experience of his weakness and how it impacted me in a real life situation which actually brought us together more. I also saw what I gained thanks to his weaknesses strange as that might sound and your daughter may do that as well as she gets older? My daughter loved her Dad and still loves her Dad even though he was an active A right up to the day he died and was not really much of a Dad to her as she got older. She challenged him when she was a teen and when she reached her 20s by saying how she felt about his behavior with her and how she saw he could make some changes in relationship to her half sister if he really felt badly about the way he had parented both my son and my daughter. I couldn't protect my kids from their Dad's disease to the degree I wanted to do it and yet my daughter most especially is now grateful that although I did divorce her Dad, I did not try to influence her against him nor did I try to keep my kids away from him. I couldn't have done it anyway - especially with my son who would have done anything to be with his Dad - to include hitchhiking at age 13 to be with him if I had tried to keep him away from his Dad. He had to make his own choices, too, and was headstrong enough to go beyond what I wanted for him just to be with the parent he knew he had for all of his weaknesses.
I think it is a good thing that you love your husband and see your daughter's love for him, too. She will be affected by his disease and she can become stronger and more loving because of it in time.
I also think that it is a good thing for you to love your husband enough to free yourself and him in the ways you will choose that reveal themselves to you one day at a time as you work on you and with the program's guidance and support. There is a cost to pay to escape the bondage of this disease and its not without its days of pain and heartache to be freed of the slavery this disease creates, but there is a promised land of growth and serenity for you as you continue your recovery work.
Thankyou very much for the compliment Pinkchip. All of my jobs have hinged around the written word in various costume, I've always felt to be an artistic leech in some ways,because I take emotions,abstract them and use it to amuse my puppy,being writing. This board though is different. Its good to know ones own truth. We made vows,and I don't just mean the traditional wedding ones,which we winged anyway lol. I did tell him id give him three years. Its been three. We also promised that neither of us would deprive the other of children if things didn't work out. So in keeping my promise, its exit now,while compassion,reason and calm are still possible. At least I will do my best to keep my side. I know what a damaging father looks and feels like,and I believe there are times when such people are best out of a childs life. I am grateful my husband doesn't fall into that category. Except in blackout. I'll take it a day at a time. I'm grateful for a direction,for my programme,this community,children. My autistic son,will be with me always,so I'm never going to be without at least one child in this life. I hadn't thought of autism this way before. It seemed so much. And it is,but perspective is a tool also. Off to tackle the day,lots of love to all.
My daughter is a dad's girl too. Since he moved out she has been so much calmer and happier. Maybe is to do with the fact that I am being much more calmer and happier in the first place. The atmosphere in my home changed completely, in fact I did not realise it was so bad. I knew it was bad but now that he isn't living here anymore I really am amazed how I managed to live with him. No wonder I needed to separate no matter what. It was suffocating me and killing me slowly. I truly feel like I received a new life. A second chance. And I am very grateful for it. I think my daughter received a second chance too. I am so happy she won't have to watch her dad being passive aggressive or just plain aggressive to me. She won't have to sense my resentment and anxiety anymore. She can now love her dad (and me) without having to watch what our dysfunctional relationship turns us into.
-- Edited by Luiza on Thursday 6th of November 2014 06:04:30 PM
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Powerful post aquamum, lots of awareness and acceptance. Its such a taker, this disease. It takes mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, sons and daughters. Its took too much from me, almost every male member kf my family. My father, my husband, a good father to my children and its coming for my eldest son, it took my sanity for a while too. Isnt it amazing that its legal and socially acceptable when you consider what damage it does?
To piggyback on el cee's share: ...and drinking is celebrated and often expected to be at every celebration as if it is a necessary component to any gathering. I once purchased a cookbook that featured Old World recipes that I wanted to use for themed dinners for adults and children in one of my programs. Imagine my surprise when I couldn't find one recipe that didn't call for some form of liquor, beer or wine. Yeah, yeah! I've heard the alcohol burns off in the cooking of it and we're only using it for flavor. I don't believe that. I never used the cookbook and I did see how whole peoples in several countries and nations were constantly introducing alcohol into its food supply. This was also a cookbook that was put out by a particular religion that I learned while taking graduate level courses was made up of 80% untreated codependents and 20% alcoholics based on the research done by one branch of this religion. I am often amazed at how unconsciously we drag alcohol into something as innocent as a child's birthday party or as emotional and painful as a wake. My question is always: "Why? When we can see the damage it does and has done to our own families?" A little off topic, AM. I could delete it but felt inspired to write it.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 6th of November 2014 06:41:00 PM
Do NOT hit delete....! I suggest. Lol. I think social acceptance is such a great huge lie...its accepted if not expected that alcohol is part of coming of age. Wth?! Media is an alcoholic profession itself. I'm sure there are many. I read an interview this morning with Dr Phil who is an acoa that took on the role of hero and cheif enabler (my assessment not his) and the words of a wise woman struck me, that society benefits too much from this disease to change it. (but in alanon we can sagely and bravely say,let it begin with me). To me the man is a wounded healer, I've never liked his show as his medicine is but one for all. But back to the point, money is made not just from sales,but from the enslaved. My home island looks like a coruba ad, sunny,bright, beautiful. The alcohol flows freely. While the locals are enslaved,they cant make changes. Here in modern city, the construction trade is loaded with alcoholics,they'll work till they drop dead,and be replaced by another,on and on. The codas work martyr,hero,victim many of which are commercially beneficial and also appear to be the model life. In a way I think untreated codas can be far more damaging,as the internal cant be seen with the eyes. All in all.....let it begin with me. There cant be another way.
You are so right on, sister. "Let it begin with me" is a mantra that has kept me coming back. I get what you're saying about untreated CODAs. They bother me now more than active alcoholics bother me. Must mean I've grown through some of it? Hope so. I've been at this since I was 30 years old. But even with the untreated CODAs, they simply aren't my business. My business is to keep on doing what I need to do to heal through a cultural set up that is death dealing to so many people. I'm glad we're traveling this road together.
And on birthday parties for kids,I never allow it. Its the kids special day,not an excuse for adults to get drunk. I agree to about funerals. My family of origin are a shocker for that. Suppose it distracts from that damn attention stealing passed away person. Fortunately we've not had too many if any weddings. Hate to see how that would turn out for the new family member. I could imagine the speeches.....welcome to the family sweetheart, now let me drone on about me while everyone else joins the circus. Sorry sweetheart,what was your name again? Julie? Funny you look more like a Gina. So anyway Gina sweetheart,welcome to the family. Lol. And omg.
That "If you love something" poem was huge for me when I first got into Al-Anon. Someone brought a printed card of it and it helped me to learn how to love and accept and have faith with compassion and empathy. The metaphor was a butterfly also printed on the card. Butterflies always remind me of the freedom and courage and faith that love requires. It read in full "If you love something...let it go. If it doesn't come back, it was never meant to be. If it does come back...love it forever". That kind of love touches, for me, on God love...Agape love. Boy this program teaches lots and lots of stuff. ((((hugs))))
Good insight. I had a friend tell me today...you know you guys can always get back together if you want. I am separated. But I know it doesn't mean we can't try again some day if there are a lot of changes down the road...good way to look at the situation. Even if you get divorced, you can always marry him again.
But even with the untreated CODAs, they simply aren't my business. My business is to keep on doing what I need to do to heal through a cultural set up that is death dealing to so many people. I'm glad we're traveling this road together.