The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So..Sunday night I asked the exAH to hold off giving a new $500 xbox to the 18yo because he is flunking his classes in HS. This caused a 45 min rant from exAH about what a terrible parent I am etc. I agreed to meet the exAH (with reservation) and talk about the situation on Monday. I worried about how it would go...didn't sleep much. Triggered all those shakey scary feelings. having him verbally abuse me on Sunday night..On Monday, at our "meeting," I was flabbergasted that our talk about parenting went so well. The exAH was reasonable (sober, I think) and we had an actual constructive conversation. I was shocked. He decided to give the xbox to 18yo, against my better judgment. He then offered to pay for a new phone for the 12 yo. I'm thinking...WOW.
then, today, I get an email. He has fallen on hard times, 5 weeks between disability checks, etc etc. Could I please float him some money? Only $100 until he gets his check?
Now it's clear why he has been so reasonable since Sunday night when he blew up...he was hoping to board the gravy train. I quite simply responded "that's not something I can do at this time" -- when I REALLy wanted to say "are you #@$#@#$$ kidding me?"
So... yah.. I haven't forgotten all my alanon tools...
I would not be hearing 45 minutes of a deadbeat dad telling me I am a bad parent. *click* Just me.
ohhhh meeee toooooo........the hang up button was a very much used tool, till one by one i just cut off all the toxic people, but once in a while i will get a tel/con flame job and when i see the flames??? I hang up and let em go to voice mail...........
good on you..not going for the $100....let him take care of himself...hes your EX.....EX means past....i am not a bank for anyone....I find that lending money is a resentment waiting to happen...if i have it to GIVE??? fine!!! if not??? then the answer is "NO" and "NO" is a one word sentence if i want it to be...i don't hve to justify my taking care of me...........
good job!!!!
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
To answer your question, just showing up here to read and post proves your not stupid! You have good awareness and boundaries and didn't give in to his manipulation. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
((((Rehprof)))) with practice the response and consequences get better in our favor. Good that you brought it here cause I can see the differences between then and now and in the middle of those two time periods is the practice. I also learned from my sponsor to use the off button or hang up on my phones. Those are serve me tools...saved my sanity and serenity. I remember my alcoholic/addict once reaction to one of my hang ups with "Don't you hang up on me"!! and she got another one. I did it once three times before the other person "got the message". Because of the program I don't voluntarily place myself in abusive situations and when I find myself in one there is always an "off" button. I hate getting to that point where I become who it is I am not so I do something (program) about it. ((((hugs))))
Good that you saw the disease's manipulations and said: "No." It is indeed a cunning, baffling and powerful disease.
There was a time - many times - in my lifetime that I listened to rantings going on or stayed in uncomfortable situations. Part of that staying was developed in childhood when staying was really my only option. It took a therapist asking me "Why didn't you leave" a very painful for me viewing of a movie to wake me up to the fact that now I did have a choice and I could leave a situation or circumstance that was soul-shattering to me. I didn't have to stay in movie theater just because I'd paid for the ticket. I didn't have to let someone rant at me about me for any amount of time. I didn't have to endure the disease's manipulations, accusations, sabotage, needling, whining, or pushing to put me right back into the box of being used to continue its intent to destroy its host and me.
It took me awhile with the help of my Mom and a therapist to see that my x thought like a teen himself and there would be no adult conversations on raising our kids that we would ever have. I kept trying to have adult reasonable discussions with a man who couldn't talk things over and reason things out with me. His mind just didn't go there. I had to do what was in my kids best interest at the time and let go of the outcome. I had to let go of wanting us to behave like two grown adults with children to help reach maturity together. He wasn't a full grown adult. He was a very sick teenager wearing an adult suit doing his best without a program of recovery with the disease of alcoholism/drug addiction and undiagnosed but very apparent mental illness. One of us had to get help and get healthier and the one who did that had to be me because it was me who saw the need and wanted better for my children than to have two very sick parents.
Many times in the past I did things I wasn't comfortable with, didn't want to do, took abuse, put myself in bad situations, etc., etc., etc. I think it is a old saying that goes, We grow too soon old, and too late smart. But now with my alanon tool bag, I'm growing very smart on how to protect and take care of me. No we are not stupid. It's just taken some time and effort to get ahead of the A. Lyne
