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This boundary is about protecting my daughter. Sometimes my brain gets clouded, and I want to see if my support system here agrees with me. I am not purposely focusing on the AH, but this involves him...of course.
my former neighbor I've known for 20 years called me Monday night asking me if my AH was ok. He said he and is wife saw him at 2am working on his car in the driveway. When they tried to talk to him, he sounded like he was speaking in riddles. (Alarm goes off in my head) so I told neighbor AH called me to say he had a migraine so he couldn't watch our daughter...so I knew he was alive. Neighbor was worried because they hadn't seen him since 2am. Neighbor proceeds to tell me how AH told him he was worried he might not get his unemployment check soon enough to pay the water bill, and the water might get turned off. So neighbor told him it was ok, they could always run their garden hose over to AH's backyard to help him out. When I heard this, my jaw dropped. It's gotten so chaotic. My sponsor and I talked about how AH doesn't look at this picture the way I do. Of course neighbor would be totally enabling him by running his hose over to the backyard, but I didn't say a word.
So, my conclusion? My daughter shouldn't be going over there to spend the night this weekend. What if the water got shut off? Not ok. I don't know all the details of when it would get shut off, but I feel this whole situation has gotten unsafe. He sleeps most of the day when she is there anyway. Tomorrow is his birthday, so I am ok with daughter seeing him for the afternoon. But, I told him she wouldn't be coming over for the weekend. The electric might also get turned off. I don't trust the situation and I wanted to know if you all think I am thinking correctly by having her stay with my family instead of him this weekend when I work.
When neighbor said he sounded like he was talking in riddles, I immediately thought he could also be drinking again. They said he sounded despondent about not having enough money, etc. He also has severe depression. I just want my daughter to be safe.
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Wednesday 5th of November 2014 05:08:09 PM
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Wednesday 5th of November 2014 05:13:01 PM
My children are grown, if they were not, they would not be in the care of their father unsupervised if he behaved as your husband is behaving. You are spot on, in my opinion.
NLG, I would suggest you follow your gut instinct on this and do what you feel is best for your child. I would also be documenting these incidents so they could be used against your A in court should you feel the need to stop overnight stays with her father.
I find that checking my motives tells me whether an action is right for me or not. Once I am sure that my motives are not self-serving to the best of my ability after praying for guidance and knowledge of God's will for me, then I act in most cases. I don't think that I'd decide to tell my child they couldn't spend the weekend with their Dad if the water, lights and heat are on and might be turned off because I'd be acting based on something that might happen rather than what is actually happening. Considering that the custodial parents get depressed, too, I don't think I'd interfere with visitation in that case either unless there were some behaviors that were suspect. I wouldn't let my minor child go if her parent was behaving erratically or sleeping most of the day either.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 5th of November 2014 05:40:00 PM
My children are grown, if they were not, they would not be in the care of their father unsupervised if he behaved as your husband is behaving. You are spot on, in my opinion.
AGREE AGREE and one more AGREE.....Your higher awareness is warning you....You know you are right!!! I am glad to validate your reaching out.......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I agree, that motives need to be checked...losing power, water isn't enough to limit visits unless your little ones physical survival is at stake (below zero, etc). Since you aren't divorced or legally separated, there are no court violations, however, I would be documenting, as was suggested, his behavior, what the neighbors have said, his calling and cancelling, etc. You have indicated your desire to keep this relationship intact between daughter and dad and I completely understand. My thinking would be taking me down paths of, how can I do this without causing the least amount of stress for my child? I know you will come up with something.....
Grateful, I understand what you are saying about "what might happen." I know for a fact AH said he may not be able to pay the water bill on time and it might be shut off. So, let's say she is there with him and all of a sudden, during her weekend stay, there is no water. It's unacceptable. Also...for many years now AH used the excuse that he sleeps until 2-3pm because he worked night shift. Well, he hasn't worked nights since Last January, so there is no excuse for him sleeping all day while daughter is on the computer or watching tv for that period of time. Also,he is sometimes heavily medicated and difficult to arouse. Sure, I admit I get depressed at times, however, I do not spend 4-5 days in bed like I have seen him do. She gets more quality time with my family than with him. And she is supervised more appropriately.
So, I guess I have answered my own question by defending myself. I discussed it with daughter and she does not like him sleeping all day. His priority is himself, not anyone else.
There are no official divorce papers yet...but there will be soon.
I agree, that motives need to be checked...losing power, water isn't enough to limit visits unless your little ones physical survival is at stake (below zero, etc). Since you aren't divorced or legally separated, there are no court violations, however, I would be documenting, as was suggested, his behavior, what the neighbors have said, his calling and cancelling, etc. You have indicated your desire to keep this relationship intact between daughter and dad and I completely understand. My thinking would be taking me down paths of, how can I do this without causing the least amount of stress for my child? I know you will come up with something.....
Living in a house without being able to take a shower or flush the toilet is not ok. Would you have been ok with the water off when your children were little?? Maybe he will just end up putting a hose through the bathroom window and she can take a cold shower From the hose?? I know I am sounding defensive and abrupt, maybe I shouldn't have asked for opinions and just trust my gut. I know this man....you guys haven't lived with him.
My children are grown, if they were not, they would not be in the care of their father unsupervised if he behaved as your husband is behaving. You are spot on, in my opinion.
AGREE AGREE and one more AGREE.....Your higher awareness is warning you....You know you are right!!! I am glad to validate your reaching out.......
I believe your judgment is sound. You will never be able to explain it in a way he will accept though so just know and accept that.
This is what my sponsor said. He lives in a different world and thinks the way he lives is just fine. No job. doesn't pay mortgage since June. Papers covering dining table and snack bar. No room to even sit and eat. Front room covered with stuff. Sleeps all day. Up all night. Bills overdue. Ok...rant done for now. Thx for listening.
NLG, I would suggest you follow your gut instinct on this and do what you feel is best for your child. I would also be documenting these incidents so they could be used against your A in court should you feel the need to stop overnight stays with her father.
Thank you. I am documenting everything, and I have been for years.
Good that you feel confident about the direction you want to go with this. My kids and I have lived without water, heat and lights during power outages so I don't see it to be life threatening although it was temporarily inconvenient. I get defensive sometimes, too, when the feedback I receive doesn't completely agree with the direction I want to go. I understand. My response to you was not based on him but on my own experience and what I did and didn't do in relationship to my own kids. It gets sticky as you know and based on the fact that you have said that you want your daughter to spend time with her Dad, my answers are also based on what you've wanted and what you've shared she wanted. For what it is worth, I do agree with your daughter being at your family's based on the facts you've stated having to do with his sleeping all day and his erratic behavior which I didn't make clear in my last sentence. Ultimately, it truly is what is motivating us that determines the best choices to make with our HP's guidance and support. If you believe your daughter is in danger, then you do. In support.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 5th of November 2014 10:28:14 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 5th of November 2014 10:31:24 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 5th of November 2014 10:32:59 PM
Seems to me that water and power is a gray area, since they haven't yet been turned off and it's not really clear if or when they will be. But him talking in riddles - if he is not coherent that is a concern and a possible danger. That is the area where I would be seriously concerned. He needs to be responsible and coherent. I hope you can assess the situation. This is stressful. Take good care.
I may not remember details from your posts, yet, I do know that the choices you have made for your daughter have been from a loving, grounded place. It may not have sounded like I was supporting you, but I was....this is a tender situation and I am sorry you have to muddle through it.
