good stuff and bad stuff - Al-Anon Family Group

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

good stuff and bad stuff

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

el-cee wrote:

The bad stuff cant really live with the good stuff, I mean you cant be angry and kind within the same moment, I dont think or if we habe both at the same time then its a pretty chaotic mindset. The bad stuff makes us miserable and hopeless and life passes by. So, learning how to think and live the good stuff should equal a good life. So being happy is a state of mind. Replacing the bad stuff with the good stuff is the goal, I think.
Just thinking out loud.

I have my "bad stuff" days but i notice in recovery, they don't last and drag me down so bad, i don't go days/weeks in depression mode anymore...of course i take herbal suppliments to help my mood, but sometimes LIFE can just bring so much anger and grief, i have to let it go through me to get trhough it......its ebbs and flows to me.....and also, its OK to mourn, grieve, feel all the negative emotions, but to me its NOT OK to act upon them in destructive ways, just ride them out, work on the trigger that set them off and by working the program, the "guard rails" of alanon usually bring me back to a level state......it would be nice to replace the bad stuff w/the good stuff, but , for me, i won't deny my emotions, not even the ones i don't want, but i do put a limit as to how long i am gonna stay feeling "bad stuff" i hope this post made sense, I really enjoyed reading this....i love people who make me THINK......Hugssssss

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, I think that having the two together is a chaotic mindset - it was for me anyway.
When my negative thinking reached a point where I was scaring myself I had to start changing my circumstances.

ClearTheFog · Senior Member

I have reached (relearned for the millionth time?) a similar conclusion lately. And for me, I have noticed an important switch from 'The bad stuff will always snuff out the good', to 'If I'm in the good stuff, there is no room with me for the bad stuff'. This makes it way easier for me to detach from another person's in-my-face fear and negativity, and to not have any qualms about expecting only to be treated with kindness, respect and as much calmness as possible.

So now, I don't feel rude or mean simply stating my expectation for good stuff. I'm not defiant about it. It's just that there is no choice any more. Petulant and borderline psychotic behavior from someone else is not something I can put up with now.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Great thoughts LC Such wisdom and understanding expressed in a few concrete examples Great share!! It reminds me of the alanon opening "Changed attitudes aid recovery"

The program, slogans, meetings , fellowship helped me to let go of my destructive tools and implement the ones you outlined They were hidden deep down under the anger, resentment self pity and fear.

Spur · Senior Member

el-cee wrote:
It seems to me that alanon is about living with good stuff and that seems to be the recipe for serenity, happiness, joy, peace, love etc. So if thats the case then the bad stuff often caused by living with alcoholism or other dysfunction is things like, anger, hate, bitterness, resentment, self rightousness etc. The good stuff would be forgiveness, kindness, compassion, patience etc.
The bad stuff cant really live with the good stuff, I mean you cant be angry and kind within the same moment, I dont think or if we habe both at the same time then its a pretty chaotic mindset. The bad stuff makes us miserable and hopeless and life passes by. So, learning how to think and live the good stuff should equal a good life. So being happy is a state of mind. Replacing the bad stuff with the good stuff is the goal, I think.
Just thinking out loud.

I completely agree, el-cee. I had a friend who was very spiritual and goodness and kindness and serenity shined from her like a beacon in the fog. I was going through the hardest years of my A marriage and I so much wanted what she had but I was totally clueless how to get it. Now that I'm beginning recovery with Al Anon, I think of her often and I wonder, with her enlightened vantage point, could she see all the anger and chaos that was living in my heart?

I do think the solution is to replace the bad stuff with the good. I work on it every day. Thank you!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I heard somebody in the recovery world talk about the desire to feel good as being the desire to feel God(or our HP). When I consider all the gifts of my life I feel good/God. When I consider all I think I should have/should have gotten/deserve/am owed/got shorted - I feel bad. All it takes is a simple return of my focus to the gifts in my life and I feel good/God again. Unfortunately, I am stubborn at times and nurse the thoughts that feel bad. Fortunately, I know I can change my mind at any time although it will probably always be a work in progress considering that my character asset of tenacity when carried to its extreme - stubbornness - will always be a part of me.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Great share and great ESH! I had heard someone say that they try to meet anger with love and I thought wow that is amazing. I now strive to be that person, more compassionate and better able to not let someone trigger me with their emotions and dysfunctions and be able to meet them with love and compassion in that moment. I have only been able to do it a couple times with people close to me, but man it really works. My perspective has changed so much since finding al-anon and just to have the strength to not take someone else's anger personally in the moment and realize it has little to do with me and a lot to do with them. I still get out of their way and remove myself if they are not able to be rational, but I like that I can now think about how I can control myself and my reactions in that moment. I feel very empowered when I can manage to keep my cool and detach from whatever emotion is coming at me and think outside the box about how to better respond to that person.
I used to be the queen of fighting fire with a bigger and louder fire, but honestly that was crazy making at its finest and well I strive to shake off the old dysfunctional ways and attain new behaviors that promote growth for everyone. I have made a lot of changes, but can still get caught up in my head or in a rut, but I bounce back quicker each time. I used to feel like some emotions were positive and some negative, but now I see them all as a requirement of being human, I feel them and let them go. I know a feeling is not a fact and if I can stop and not react my mood, feeling emotion will change and I will be surprised on how much I had to control myself in the moment when later is was so fleeting. I work hard on not sulking or sitting on my pity pot for long when the mood hits, but some days I need to think about whatever is tugging at me and let it go again. I always figure these things come back to visit for whatever reason they need to and I deal with it head on now. It can be uncomfortable, but I do have tools and a history of surviving them. Sending you all love and support on your journey's!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been chewing on this one throughout the day. I have asked me if I can be angry and kind at the same time and my answer has been yes. I believe the good and bad stuff can exist simultaneously...I think in terms of shadow self and light self and it is all part of me. It is accepting of all aspects that has given me the freedom. The bad stuff doesn't make me miserable unless I give it juice...I do let it be, have its say and move on to the best of my ability. I don't know if I am seeing this as you intended it?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree Paula Both do exist but it makes a huge difference which one I choose to let go and respond to and with. The way I read the posting is that we have choices. Living with the disease of alcoholism we have been tempted to choose the negative responses and disregard the positive ones. In order to have a good and productive and happy life it is suggestd that it is important to let go of living in the negative and pick up the tools that will enable us to live in the positive and respond and not react.

The C2C explains the same idea with the Chinese proverb that says:"The birds of worry and care fly above your head, this you cannot change. But that they build nests in your hair--this you can prevent. " I do believe living with alcoholism all the negative feelings had built nests in my hair and it took the steps, slogans, meetings, and a sponsor to dislodge them from my hair so that I could allow them to fly overhead and truly feel the feelings of love, compassion and empathy that lived within my heart .

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Yep, that resonates biggrin

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Paula that it is possible to feel angry and still act kindly. I also agree with Betty that we do have choices and there have been times when I have chosen to act out of a negative mindset and because I felt fearful or angry due to that mindset, I wasn't kind. I was critical and accusatory. (Of course, only once or twice in my lifetime - but still, I did act negatively. What???!!!! I'm lying?)

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 5th of November 2014 08:33:34 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 5th of November 2014 08:33:55 PM

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow the ESH here continues to stretch my mind and I am open and learning and listening. Sending you all love and support!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My experience is I always have my foundation of serenity no matter what. Good bad or ugly, I always have faith due to my HP. I know things will come together and be ok.

I am pretty even person. When I go thru something I sure know it. That is when I come here and people always make me think and help me when they have NO idea they did. Sometimes it may have nothing to do with what they said but it triggered me to think of something.

Life is very hard. To me it would be impossible with out HP. Impossible. To have no belief system to know what to have faith in would be death for me.

Sooo serenity saved my life, and I learned that here and from hp. hugs honey

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the replys everyone. I didnt think too deeply, it was a bit of a light bulb moment and I felt it is mostly about choices but first I had to learn it was a choice. I truly believed my feelings and behaviour was solely due to the a in my life.

these replys have taken me to a different level, another layer. I love that about alanon, its layers upon layers. Peel one away and theres another one. Thanks again, I will give this more thought from different angles.x

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

There's no end to the learning, is there el cee? You obviously keep an open mind and I love that about you, too.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.