Still in Crazy - Al-Anon Family Group

Hullibee · Senior Member

Still in Crazy

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Hullibee))) If your best friend was going through this and you could see that her AH was drinking heavily, unable to cope with life himself, living with a gf who is also sick (no healthy woman is going to want to live with an active A who is married), coming over to her house daily with a disrespectful and mean mouth, what would you say to her? What would you do for her?

Of course you feel sad and probably lost right now? Alcoholism to me is a disease of lies. When the denial breaks, it is excrutiatingly painful. Being with those who have been there and done that is a healthy and helpful choice. I'm glad you are going to meetings. Its only been a short time since you've learned of his betrayals. Be easy and gentle with yourself. Keep coming back here. Try to treat yourself as you would your best friend or your daughter. You are not alone. You will get through this one day at a time. In some ways, its like psychic surgery. It hurts for a season but each day you feel a little better until one day you realize that you feel wonderful and free.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Hullibee)) this is indeed a painful road we all travel and I can so identify with your sadness and disappointment. You are human and feeling your feelings and allowing yourself to grieve is a very important step in recovery.

I am glad that you went to a meeting last night and the topic was the 11th step. In this step we pray for a HP's will and the power to carry that out. I have found that HP's will is not my will.

Most of my life, before Al-Anon, I attempted to force my will and manipulates situations so as I always got what I wanted and people responded as I needed. I felt all-powerful and that my will was the right way. My husband's alcoholism taught me differently. By the time I found Al-Anon I had tried everything else and nothing worked-- I could not force my will-- but had to surrender to a power greater than my self. At that point I did not know where my marriage was going but that 11th step gave me the courage to surrender. I accepted the fact that if HP had a plan, I would be given the power to succeed even though it was not what I wanted. As it turned out my husband attained sobriety, remained sober for seven years and then died of cancer. This was not in my plan. How angry I was. HP had disappointed me and given me something I had expected or prayed for. I then remembered step 11 and surrendered again one day at a time and trusted the process

Today my life is not in any fashion how I had planned it. I have been a successful businesswoman, owned my own home, planned for my retirement, have a long-term relationship with a supportive partner and am happy

I had to learn to trust the process and surrender. I pray that you keep showing up and be gentle with yourself

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

It seems that he just wants to be cruel and further the hurt he is bringing you to continue your suffering. With al-anon and MIP supporting you, you could take back your power and maybe even someday, remember what a pill this guy is wanting to make you feel as bad as you do or maybe worse and think let her keep him. Alcoholics don't regularly change just because they change who they are with. She will eventually experience the same old sad cycle living with an A brings with it. The good news is with al-anon face to face meetings, readings, finding a sponsor and MIP you can wipe yourself up off the floor and have a great new start, even though it may not feel like it now. Freedom is coming your way if you just keep putting the right foot in front of the left and diving into your own recovery. Learning to set boundaries to keep the A's from hurting you in your life and to make the changes you can. I recite the serenity prayer a lot until it sinks in and I am back to self focusing on me and making the changes I can within me. My life really began at my bottom and indeed it sounds like you have found yours. The book Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews helped me to recover and understand myself a lot and maybe could help you too. Keep coming back because you are so very worth it! Sending you love and support on your journey!

-- Edited by Breakingfree on Tuesday 4th of November 2014 10:11:48 AM

mjferg · Senior Member

I feel your pain.I have been going through the same pain.My ex A was with another woman very shortly after we split!!That was so painful to me!I just started therapy and al-anon and it is a process.there was allot of pain and grieving and now I am coming out of that!!I am having so much peace and joy in my life right now.You say he comes over drunk and says mean things to you,I know my ex was a very verbally abusive man and he could rip me to shreds, so I personally do not allow him around me .I tried to look at the fact that he is with another woman is because he wants to continue to drink and I actually feel kind of sorry for her,I am seeing him for what he is ,he is a bully and he loves to bully women.I deserve better than that!!I just kept going to meetings and I am doing what my therapist suggests and it is working.I guess the way i look at it is I gave him so many years of my life,I am not giving him anymore,I am going to be happy!!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

And to add a human and not necessarily (okay not Al-Anon at all)note, I'd like to give that man a withering look and point him out the door of your home. I don't like it when people are hurting and others show up who are being nasty and mean-mouthed.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 4th of November 2014 11:05:59 PM

Hullibee · Senior Member

I know that I need to focus on myself. But it feels so selfish to do that.

Thank you grateful I agree I need to tell him to leave instead of letting him sit at my table and say mean things to me. I just take it. I guess I've been trained by him for so long to just suck it up that now I don't question his remarks. I say OK it must be true.

Thank you mjferg I know his being with other woman is abusive to me. I am not in any way willing to feel sorry for her. She has contributed to my world dismantling. How can I ever feel sorry for her???? Not ready maybe never ready for that one.

Thank you breakingfree I just downloaded the Toby Rice Drews book to my kindle. I'm reading it now. I know I need perspective. I do need a new start. It takes time!! That's all I hear. I am so broken still. Why am I affected by what he says when he is the one that left me???

Thank you Hotrod I know if I can just focus on one day at a time I will survive. Trouble is I am still thinking about what if's. What am I going to do about Thanks Giving, Christmas, New Years???? I hate holidays alone. This has always been a huge family time. Maybe this is me forcing my will. I need to stop!!!

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Toby Rice Drews is a good author. Also, Discovering Choices is a good Al Anon book. Letting Go is a good codependency book. Do not let him sit and degrade you and insult you about the other woman. He must think he is Gods gift to women.
I totally agree with what grateful said. Treat yourself like your best friend. Would you let your best friend get treated like this? Luckily I have a best friend who helped me leave my AH. My sponsor helped too. Have you chosen a sponsor yet? Look and listen at your meetings. My sponsor helped me get out of this mess, she still helps me. She is like a mom to me. You need people to help you. allow them to help you. I found that because I am used to familiar things, I settle for less sometimes. Just because a person/relationship is familiar, doesn't mean it's good for you.

-- Edited by Newlife girl on Tuesday 4th of November 2014 10:55:03 AM

-- Edited by Newlife girl on Tuesday 4th of November 2014 10:55:54 AM

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Following up on some of the above, you might tell your friend to get a restraining order so she didn't have to deal with the jerk anymore. after everything he has done he should be ready to just move on, but instead he prefers to come back and keep torturing you. Totally unacceptable behavior and you shoudn't have to put up with it.

Kenny

-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Tuesday 4th of November 2014 02:34:18 PM

mjferg · Senior Member

oh I hope I didn't offend you.I just know she will be treated very badly by him and she isn't the problem, he is.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Hullibee, I am deeply compassionate and I am one to be direct. If we allow people to be abusive to us, they will. When we allow it, we are being abusive to us, then our poor souls are getting it from many directions.. When you are ready to stop the abuse, it will stop. Keep reaching for recovery so your soul can get some rest smile In support...

Hullibee · Senior Member

Oh no mjferg I am not offended by your remarks. I am just so sick over gf that I have NO tolerance for her.

Yes kenny he is displaying unacceptablE behavior. My problem is taking it. I am so dysfunctional myself that I need help getting my self esteem back. I talk to you all and that helps.

yes newlife girl I do have a sponsor the problem is I haven't been able to see her in a long time. my AH leaving me has been 5 weeks now and I've only spoken to my sponsor twice since this happened. I guess that is probably why I am still struggling so deeply.

I just spoke to my eldest granddaughter. She is a senior here at my school. She told me she texted grandpa over the weekend and blew up at him saying he was the grand kids role model and now they don't even want to see him. She told him how hurt she is that he shows up drunk to sporting events. How all the kids are so affected by his lack of caring. I doubt any of this has even gotten through to him. He cares only about himself, drinking, and gf. The rest of us be damned. My family consists of 3 adult children and their spouses, 8 grandchildren, and myself. How can he walk away from so much???

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thank you Paula. I know I am taking the abuse. It is a bad habit that I have learned over 40 years with him. I have lost myself along the way. I don't know if I can get Ellen back. My self esteem is buried deeply in my psyche. I am trying.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Affirm for yourself that you will have a healthy self esteem, no matter how long it takes. Please excuse my odd images....I see myself at the end of my life with my hands folded at my belly, eyes looking at my eyelids and a huge, satisfied smile on my face. No earthly being will impact my self esteem ever again.... wink

Hullibee · Senior Member

Oh Paula you made me smile. I use to see myself old, wrinkled, with a twinkle in my eye surounded by great grandchildren while I rocked in my rocker. I always thought he would be at my side down on the floor playing with the little ones. No More!!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

He walks away from so much because he has a severe mental illness. You might as well ask of a schizophrenic who's having hallucinations, "How can he walk away from reality?" Now he is not wholly innocent in this - he has a choice of whether to seek recovery or not. But their sense of reality is so distorted that they don't see what's happening until some ray of light makes it through their darkness - and that happens on their own time if at all.

I see that you are feeling the grief, and no wonder. But also you have all those wonderful things that he doesn't. The family, the contact with reality. Don't let his darkness swamp the rest of your life - otherwise you are walking away from all those good things too. Hugs.

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thanks Mattie. I agree i do still have everything. I have my house, children, grand children. I have my memories too. That's where I am dwelling right now. I keep thinking of good times wondering how all this dysfunction fits into my memories. How he has lied to me about affairs. How could have I lived through so much with NO clue. I really had on rose colored glasses. I am an optimistic person. I try not to look at the bad things in life. Now it is so black with bad I don't know how to add light to this it will only make it muddy grey. Never to be full of light again.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Its not easy to wake up and see that we lived a lie, it seems to go hamd in hand with alconolism. We use denial as a way to survive then the denial keeps reality covered up and we cant see the truth anymore. Maybe if you look really closely at your thoughts, what is it your feeling? Grieving is part of it but for me I was constantly grieving, every time my ex drank I grieved. When I finally left him after almost 20yrs there wasnt much grieving left to do.

An active drinker leaving your life has joy attached to it hullibee, even in the sadness there are a lot of pluses if you choose to look and see them. For me, It was great to not hear his chronic negative views on life, it was great not to hear put downs and subtle control, manipulation tactics. To make my own decisions without fear of reprisals, wow that was brilliant. I felt lighter the minute it ended, freedom is valuable, I wont ever give it up easily again. my relationships with other people improved immediately.

Lifes short, I suggest giving yourself a goal where you allow yourself to be down in the dumps and then begin to grab happy moments in each day.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

The most challenging piece for me was to want to see and then see with honesty and non judgment the part I played into my choices, life, etc. The way my life has turned out or will continue to unfold is not because of anyone else.... people have played and will continue to play their part in my life for the purpose of me becoming the person I was created to be. This makes my experiences non personal. Actually, it has given me compassion for the a_ _ holes...I would not want to play that part smile The most hellish experiences I have had, forced me to flourish, because I finally surrendered to what is and not what I would like. I surrendered my will, I rolled around in the first step into it took hold of me (and this needs to be done over and over again). I am suggesting that there is something or many things that are not being surrendered, hence, this process has become your hell. Also, if sponsors are unavailable, there are typically phone number lists that are available at meetings. Sponsors can also be changed. Get busy, sis...you have a fabulous life to live.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Ellen: Of course you will find yourself and be yourself again. You're surrounded by a group of beauties, some smart and very wise men, and some contented dogs(one still wearing her costume), cats and pigs who say "You can do it! And you will!" You've fallen in with the very right crowd for you now. And YOU picked us. Now there's a wise thing you've done there, sister.

PS: The beauties are brilliant, creative and very wise, too.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 4th of November 2014 03:54:07 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 4th of November 2014 04:01:21 PM

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and the list can go on forever of books I have read to help me recover. My 3 daily readers Courage to Change, One Day at a Time, Hope for Today I bought at my face to face meetings and so much literature was recommended and I have read it all. I still have a few to read but currently I can barely keep up on my chapters for college classes. I am glad you are here! Sending you lots of love and support!

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

((Hullibee)) I can understand your feelings. This is a loss and grieving is part of the healing process of loss. Bless your heart, I'm praying you can find some peace.

Another good book, although I'm not sure if it is Al-Anon approved, is The Language of Letting Go by the same author as Codependent No more. I have been reading The Language of Letting Go, and it's helping me.

Hang in there, Ellen, and take one day at a time.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hullibee wrote:
My AH is still drinking heavily. He moved out of our house and in with gf 5 weeks ago. I have been crying daily. I am having a great deal of trouble coping day to day. He comes over drunk and says mean things to me. Called me an ornery b***** because I sit and cry. He also said mean sexual things about gf and why he can't leave her. He also said I'm a grown woman and should be able to get over this. How can I get over 40 years with same man?? He obviously had no trouble getting over me.
Help me please understand??? How do you cope?? I went to f2f meeting last night and it was about higher power step 11. My problem is I don't feel higher power right now. All I feel is sadness. My heart is so broken. Why has my life turned out to be a lie?

-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 4th of November 2014 09:40:56 AM

Dear (((((((((((Hillibee))))))))) i agree with grateful...if your daughter or best friend was in this condition, what would you tell her????? I know this is rough....awful......you feel like 40 years just went down the latrine, but it is what it is.....he has power over you when you let him near you to talk his crap...hes just trying to yank your chain.....is their a recovery friend you can call??? I am concerned for you......Maybe a doctor appointment to get on some meds to get you over this, while you work to take care of you???? why is he coming over??? if my Ex AH the abuser came to my house and he did, i called the cops....told them he was harrassing me, we had broken up and hes on my front door......he stopped after the cops came over a few times......i had gotten this little cottage...bartered for it and SOMEHOW that s.o.b. found out where i lived...and yea, he tried to pullmy chain and i called the cops...refused to let him talk to me...didn't take his calls....nothing.....

I cope by reaching out to safe others....going to meets till i drop while things are rough.....i call my sponsor....the big thing is i get moving to take care of me, distract me from thinking about him.......I am SO sorry this happened to you, but sweetie, it happens every day of the week....people leaving and hooking up w/another mate.....PLEASE , I urge you, to get in as many meets as you can, and reach out...to someone whom you know really cares about you , just for a hug, if nothing else....Breaking Free mentions melodie Beatties "coda no more" it was an awsome book, i read it b/c i had problems getting over AH #2, whom I kicked out over his drinking, then he shacks up w/a gal who lets him drink??? I felt angry, betrayed, but it was ME who kicked him out, so i had to accept consequences of my choiices....when i got into Beattie's books, i understood why i put so much into another and nothing in me.......

I would post here all the time...there are folks here who are going through or went through bad breakups and they lived on the board, posting, getting esh, i would reach out to as many avenues as i could but all we can do is give support, comfort, encouragement, you are the one who is gonna have to make the decision to , yes, grieve this out, oh yea, BIG loss, but how long do you do this before, as you grieve, you get into motion about taking care of you...grief is easier when you are in safe company (meetings or talk w/a trusted recovery friend) to share your pain with....

I was wondering where you were and how you were doing and almost didn't log on today b/c i am busy, but i am glad i did b/c i know you need support, but i think you need , yes, this board and more....

I would also re-read el-cees post that reflects that Yea, its bad now, but when the ugly, grey clouds have lifted, you will see how , really this will turn into a blessing...i know its hard to see now, but his leaving??? with being an active drinker??? when you work your program and re-connect with you, i am sure you will eventually see it......its gonna take time, yes, but you can step forward every day with the program and us people to share your pain with......

sending you hugs of support

Hullibee · Senior Member

Elcee I know that having an alcoholic leave sounds like the best solution. Unfortunately, I am not at that place. I know things will get better with time. That is the only real solution right now. Going to meetings is my other solution. I plan to go to one in a little while.

Neshema2 I appreciate all your wisdom. I agree attending meetings is a must. I know this is my saving grace. I need all of your advice. I cannot think of what I would say to others. It is so raw to me. All I do is cry. The pain is so intense. I know I need to stop focussing on him and put the focus on myself. Again though I have always taken care of everyone else and never myself. I feel it is selfish to focus on my needs. I haven't posted in a while because I feel like it's not getting better yet and I don't want to offend anyone with my tears. I read posts daily though trying to absorb others advice. I just hear how others are doing so well it makes me feel I'm not doing my part to get better. I just feel empty right now.

Cloudyskies, i will try to download that book too. I have the codependent book and have been reading it. I know I am so codependent on him. That has been a big issue with me for a long time. I think that is why I keep waiting for him to tell me what to do. I have been so dependent on him telling me things that I cannot even function now without him saying what I'm supposed to do. Crazy!!! Why do I have to be told by him how to cope with this dysfunction???

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Ellen, you come here and dump daily if you need to...you will get through this pain and grief in your time. You are loved here and it is available 24/7 (((Ellen)))

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hullibee It is very hard but alanon tools can help you slowly disengage. It is very difficult to reclaim ourselves because we have made ourselves invisible and our needs un important. I too developed the tools of denial and pretend when I was living in the insanity of alcoholism and was shocked to discover the reality when I finally had no other choice but surrender and look.

My part in the situation was wanting to maintain a happy family and married life. Alcoholism appeared to be destroying that so that I tried to manipulate the situation so that I could have the family that I dreamed of. These tools worked for a while however when my world came crashing in, as yours has done I had no other choice but to replace my husband as my higher power with a loving God that was all-powerful and loves me unconditionally

I found that i had to remind myself to stay in the moment and in the day many times in the beginning i used the slogans to help me do this. When I found myself projecting into the future , I reminded myself to not project and to leave the future in the future and the past in the past. My job was to stay in the day and in the moment.

Each morning I would read to the Sanskrit poem:"Look to this Day as it reminded me to :
Look to this day for it is life, the very light of life- yesterday is but a dream and tomorrow only a vision but today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope look well to this day.

One moment one day at a time you will walk through this and soon be able to feel the joy of your family once again.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hullibee wrote:
Neshema2 I appreciate all your wisdom. I agree attending meetings is a must. I know this is my saving grace. I need all of your advice. I cannot think of what I would say to others. It is so raw to me. All I do is cry. The pain is so intense. I know I need to stop focussing on him and put the focus on myself. Again though I have always taken care of everyone else and never myself. I feel it is selfish to focus on my needs. I haven't posted in a while because I feel like it's not getting better yet and I don't want to offend anyone with my tears. I read posts daily though trying to absorb others advice. I just hear how others are doing so well it makes me feel I'm not doing my part to get better. I just feel empty right now.

I know you do, and believe me I know what pain is, it is devastating, crippling at times, but i PROMISE you as you groove into the program it WILL get bbetter b/c YOU will get better.....remember the saying "this too shall pass" that is true...it hurts like heck right now, but it WILL ease if you just keep hanging in there and focusing on YOU...and it is NEVER selfish to post and post, dump and dump all you need to, that is what alanon is for for us to get rid of our pain, anyway we can.....and i get it about "being raw" i get it, but ya know??? as you get familiar with the group you will find out that many of us have gone through either same or similiar situation of betrayal....and it STINKS no matter how it comes at you...Betrayal SUCKS!!!! and as a coda, i get the "taken care of everyone else and never myself" and i abandoned me for what?? others who will leave me in some fashion when i know all i got is ME and i was neglecting my REAL best friend and that was ME.....i know..i am coda in remission only b/c of the program, thinking it is selfish to focus on my needs..let me ask you a question.......ALL the others in your life----whose needs do THEY put first??? yours or theirs??? and when you think on that, ask yourself..."so when is it MY turn to get MY affection/love/care????" and it is never offensive to share tears on the board here....don't worry about that...you dump as much as you need to...jump up and scream if you need to...take a stick and beat the couch, as you visualize him adn what he did to help w/the anger that i know you gotta feel...and you have the right to be mad...feel betrayed...feel like a door mat.....its OK to acknowledge those emotions, and let them out of their cage so the sun can shine on them and dry up the old mucky pain that you feel.......and "doing well" IF we are doing well, it is only ONE day at a time and you will, when you get used to the board, you will see that even us who have been here have our REALLY UGLY days , like me, when i need to vent about something, i feel like a newbie, and thats OK....i need to let those emotions out, then i hunker down, work the steps, slogans and literature and i get back on track.....alanon is my safety nest.....it is yours too....NEVA feel like u r not "doing good" b/c u r in pain now.....you are a valued, equal member of this community and you have something to offer life and when you start feeling better, you can recycle what you learned in alanon to the next newbie in pain.....so share all you want ok???? never let anyone or anything make you feel you don't belong and you can't share your pain.....there isn't a time table on ones recovery...this is not a race.....we never "graduate" but as we get habitized in this program we can have FUN as we recover and then maintain that recovery.........we are here......sending you hugs of support

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I know this is hard. When I left my AH in March, I did the physical actions of moving but my brain was numb. Eventually, my brain followed what I was doing. My HP helped me get through this. Working a 4th step inventory helps a lot too. Please meet with your sponsor if you can. Do you have a good relationship with her? I met with my sponsor at least once a week and talked on the phone or texted almost daily when the separation first happened. Even now, we meet about once a week and talk/text 1-2 a week. It will help you. I think what helped me was anger. Sounds bad, but my anger towards my ex and my current AH helped me have the energy to do what needed to be done.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Ellen, I would not be able to just "get over" what you are going through. It would take alanon, plus counseling, and maybe even looking into antidepressants...I don't know. Not advice, but crying daily to the point you cant function...it might be something to think about. It is too much. When I hit the skids with my relationship (and it wasn't 40 years), I had to do all 3 (meetings, therapy, meds) just to function. But I have had depression for a long time prior so...I don't know. I just know that the amount of change and what you are going through is extreme. It is okay to reach out for help from outside sources too. I validate this loss is devastating. Get whatever help you can. I support you. It will get better.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 5th of November 2014 07:58:52 AM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with PC...sometimes meds are necessary to help us. They don't need to be a forever and it is ok if they are. Do whatever it takes to help you move through this painful period.

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thank you everyone. I am absorbing all your ESH. This is a time when listening to others advice is exactly what I needed.

I read daily, I do take meds for depression. I have anxiety pills too but try to avoid those while at work because it makes me fall asleep. I try not to cry when students are in the room but sometimes I can't hold the tears in. I mostly cry when I'm alone and thinking about all that I've lost.

AH still comes to my house periodically. He was there briefly yesterday to vote. I only talked to him while sitting in my car. It breaks my heart to even get that close to him. I want to scream but I won't. I know it is useless. I try not to cry in front of him anymore because he said mean things to me when he was drunk last weekend. The crazy thing though is he texts me telling me he loves me and misses me. If that was so true then he would stop this nonsense and come home. I don't see him stopping the drinking thus the gf will not stop either.

I promise I will not give up on MIP and Al-anon groups. They do help me put things in perspective. I can only function One Day a At A Time, one minute at a time sometimes. It is my goal to continue this journey with you alls help. Sorry for the southern slang. Ha ha.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hullibee wrote:

I promise I will not give up on MIP and Al-anon groups. They do help me put things in perspective. I can only function One Day a At A Time, one minute at a time sometimes. It is my goal to continue this journey with you alls help. Sorry for the southern slang. Ha ha.

Hey I am a southerner, so you talk any way you want, lol......i , after reading this again and thinking about it, i kinda agree with Pinkchip...this loss is devastating absolutely, and i feel for you...really i do...i feel for ANYone in this much pain....It might just be that you need some councelling and talk about what meds you are on, and what is best therapy to get you past this enough so you can function at a healthier level as you work your program......I am SO sorry this happened, but ya know?? him being an alcoholic and now adultery is in the mix, really...i know this sounds shallow on my part, but really, when you start feeling better you just might see that life is better w/out the drinking, mean statements and worrying is he gonna be with someone else again......40 years is a looong time and you are grieving those 40 years, i can only imagine b/c i got out of my relationships waaay b4 that, my 2nd AH and i were together 13 years and i am thinking "omg, i wasted all that life" but i really didn't...he taught me a lot, looking back it was all part of making me a better/healthier human being.......and i am glad u are not giving up on alanon.......alanon was my saving grace...i lost my entire childhood to the most horrific kind of abuse and b/c i was so mentally/emotionaly shattered, it took most of my life.....yea, i can say i lost 5 decades to living in hell, and i can get real depressed real fast thinking of it, but the bottom line is, I have life yet to live and experience and i can make TODAY good, and put good todays into my "tomorrow bank" if i have a tomorrow....what i am saying is i work on me on a day to day basis, i give /out out good energy and i hope for the best....life CAN improve at any age....life CAN get healthy and productive and I CAN live a FULL life if i work my program, not obsess about my past, but stay in the now and think on only today........You will get there, it will just take some time, dealing w/the anger and grief over what happened but you can do it...and i do say again, maybe just for a while, you need to talk w/a therapist and no shame needing to be on meds.....i will be on klonopin for the rest of my life to manage my anxiety and ptsd.....it is what it is...i make the best out of it......i am SO glad you found us all........I am gonna ask the angels to put their wings around you with a gentle hug and give you some PEACE for TODAY.......hugs........Hey I am born OK and now living in TX....what state are u in?????

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I can tell you in my experience many will go off with a dysfuncional person becuz it takes the pressure off they feel living with a non A.

Usually they can drink, and do and say whatever they want. NO guilt. They live in guilt.

Of course he still loves you I am sure. But not in the way you need or want. Plus who knows, he may not plan to stay out there, must keep his foot in the door.

Selfishness is a huge part of being an A, manipulation is too.

I have always pretty much been a confidant person and did not blame me. One hard time I came here and shared a very hurtful thing I thought was my fault. this mip group got me thru.

To not love the me that hp is helping me to become has never crossed my mind. If I believe HP loves me, then how do I dare not love me?

Keep coming!! I know that pain. It is soooo horrible. It will get better. Myself I can never see that person again or talk to them. If I do I don't heal and they pull me back into their pit.

If you can bring flowers into your house. Do you have a dog or cat? We all need company.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Crazy feels AWFUL. For me, my thoughts also make the situation feel worse. Self-talk like "why do I deserve this?" "I am not (skinny, pretty, young, smart) enough" "I'm a loser" etc.

I also forget to practice self-care -- for me, walking meditation, regular meditation, journaling, gratitude lists, baths, nice lotion and soaps, music, all help me chase out the crazy.

I don't know why things happen to us. The pain sometimes feels unbearable to me. That's why I turn to this board...because these folks really understand...and will have compassion for us.

One day at a time, one walk at a time, one bath at a time...take care of YOU. you are worth it.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Ellen, for years he was evidently playing both sides and having his emotional security met by you and his sexual and other needs met through mistresses. He does love and miss you in the way you were emotionally supportive to him (and unfortunately that means enabling also probably). Your HP was looking out for you when you questioned about all the affairs and when the drinking got too much. You could have been like "tralala I see nothing. Happy marriage here. All is well!!" but you wanted more. You wanted the truth and you wanted a totally commitment in your marriage and could tell that half his commitment was going to a bottle and there was more going elsewhere (infidelity). So in actuality, you did stick up for yourself. Your HP led you to this and there is a purpose. This marriage was not serving you. I do suspect that he may eventually get tired of the mistress and sexual freedom and will want to come back. Please don't hold on to that though and utilize the time to grow.

I also suspect your sadness is about to turn into some serious anger, so be ready for that and know that it's normal. Keep coming back here and to alanon.

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thanks Pinkchip. You are so wise!!! I believe I pushed for the truth because I knew something was going on and couldn't pin point it. Now I know why he wasn't coming home all those nights. He was with her. How I could have believed his crap all those weeks and months?? I do think I am going to get angry one of these days. I think it will scare me when I do. I don't like myself when I'm angry. I will keep coming back.

Thanks rehprof I do think I chase the crazy thoughts. I often think I am not skinny, pretty, funny, sexy, whatever!!! I know that if I continue to dwell on those factors I will never survive this nightmare. Yes one day at a time is my constant motto.

Thanks Debilyn. I agree I think he's trying to keep a foot in the door. I'm not sure but I want that too. I think that's why I haven't chased him totally away. I keep looking everyday for him to show up. Even though I am not texting like I was I still drive into my driveway looking for his truck. I know that is still dysfunctional. I wonder too if I would be drawn to another alcoholic?? I have lived this life for so long I don't know how to live a 'normal' life. What is really normal anyway??

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Normal is having a partner who goes to work, comes home, kisses you hello, reads the paper, eats dinner with you as you both talk about your day together, watches TV with or without you, and goes to bed at his time or at your time. I employed an accountant for my business who was a happy, smart, honest, emotionally available person with very active and creative children and a very hard-working, handsome and kind husband. One day she told me that her husband was "her comfort." Their lives primarily consisted of running each of their businesses, working together for the good of their children, being adult children of aging parents, and loving sibs with both sides of their combined families. There was life in their family and the usual deaths, divorces and some physical issues with some of the children in all of their grown sibs families but there was no drama as we understand drama. I also know a woman who lived with an A and finally divorced him. She worked on herself and worked out her grief. In doing that, she met a widower who was also working through his grief. They became good friends and eventually married. Both were in their mid to late 60s. She told me that when she and her new husband made love it felt to both of them like a prayer. There was no drama or excitement in their marriage either. It was just an ordinary life where they did what they needed to do to become like a sanctuary for each of them and for the community at large that they both volunteered their time and talents in to benefit others with the pain of their past and the joy of their present.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 6th of November 2014 01:01:02 PM

Hullibee · Senior Member

Wow grateful your description of normal is like a dream. I can hardly believe there are people out there that actually love and respect each other. Count on each other, talk, make love, and have no drama. Unheard of. I can't believe how long this disease has affected me without me even realizing.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

And this is all possible for you, Hullibee. I know a couple in my Al-Anon groups who do service work together after two failed marriages and one being an A. They are a team devoted to their own recoveries. Even when there are shares in our meetings, each person allows the other one to be where they are in the meetings. They do not interfere with each other's process or recovery program. They are a healing force for our community and that came after both had experienced much wreckage in their lives. He came into our program from AA several years ago and was a demanding, insensitive and Big Book thumper who had a lot of putdowns for alanonics who he loved to challenge, try to argue with or be snide with at the time. It took him a few years and today I'd say he is a gentle pussycat compared to the person who first came to our meetings to tell us alanonics how it should all be done. It didn't work and he was never rejected. She first presented in the program as somebody who knew it all, too, even though she'd never done any recovery work. Not so today. This program does work if we work it and new life is possible for all of us. We can have normal lives by doing the necessary work on ourselves and we won't recognize ourselves after awhile but we will be healing agents for others as we continue to peel back the layers of the onion. Glad you're here, Hullibee. Looking forward to the continued healing you will experience. (((H)))

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 6th of November 2014 01:48:11 PM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

It is indeed possible using alanon tools one day at a time.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.