The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just came out of a four year relationship with a recovering alcoholic. Still stunned and it's been bout two months since the split. It was the worst emotional battering of my life. I finally broke down and gave into the fact that bonding to alcoholics has been an ongoing theme in my life. It's been incredibly painful this last time out.
I'm still beating myself up for staying with her for as long as I did. Turning the other cheek, signing off on acts and behaviors that no reasonable person would ever tolerate, finding ways to cope with her and her daughters habitual lying and manipulation, at least one (admitted because I found her stash) relapse, extreme laziness, lack of motivation, self pity, financial irresponsibility, etc., only to end up being dumped by her.
Anything that threatened her comfort zone caused her to be combative, yet apparently it was a open season on me, AND I played along. Wow. I have such a hard time wrapping my head around it all.
I think she saw the writing on the wall. I was really tired of being an enabler. That's what I was. Eventually, like over the past year or so, I made efforts to have my own life and about a month before she ended it, I was planning my exit but it's questionable as to whether or not I could have actually followed through with it.
It all seems so absurd now, but as much as I'd like to I can't turn back the clock and do anything differently. Only learn I guess.
She is who she is. I can't do a thing about it.
Of course it started out with me loving her. She can be amazingly sweet and there were a lot of good times, but about six months after we started living together and she got comfortable, the abuse and neglect started. Now that the smoke is starting to clear, it was SO glaring.
So many times my alarm bell went off telling me to get out, but in hindsight I did everything I could to make it work because it was what I WANTED. Yikes. I re-enlisted again and again after being blasted in one way or another because of my ego I guess. Ouch. What a painful realization that's been.
The biggest thing that bugs me now is how many times I buckled in to her demands and ultimatums. Unbelievable. That and how many times I said I was sorry AFTER she dumped me, and she was cruel about it. What's THAT? Man... then she spun on a dime immediately after I finished moving out acting like she cared about me and wanting to be friends.
Too much.
I didn't do the best job ever of it, but I insisted on no contact. I'm happy about that.
I really have no business with her, her daughter, family, friends, anything.
It's time to slow the heck down and take care of myself.
So, here I am and I'm doing my best to reach out to the Al-Anon community. Learn, listen, participate. Whatever.
I have a Sponsor and got the book "Paths to Recovery" about a week ago.
I have hope in my heart finally, but man... did it ever take a ridiculous amount of pain to get here.
Wow your story could be my story in so many ways! When I parted company with my exAH I felt like a worthless pile of garbage. Now with al-anon, MIP, my sponsor and my face to face meetings I know who I am, what I deserve and my worth and will never accept less again! I am so glad I am here and I am so glad you are here! Let it begin with me, is a great slogan and you are already starting to embrace a great awareness and step work! Sending you love and support on your journey!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Tuesday 4th of November 2014 09:59:05 AM
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Welcome RIKKS Welcome to Miracles in Progress. I am so glad that you have found Al-Anon, a sponsor and the literature. This is a huge step in your recovery.
I can so identify with much of what you shared and agree that this is a fellowship of people who share their lives with an alcoholic and the price of the membership into Al-Anon is a great deal of pain, loss of self,left over anger and resentment. Al-Anon tools, the slogans, the steps, literature and meetings have all been developed to help us recover from the insanity that we tried to cope with. The meetings helped break the isolation caused by the disease, living one day at a time focused on ourselves and trusting HP works miracles.
I want to welcome you to MIP. I, too, did some of what you have described - not only in relationship to my x but currently in relationship to some of my alcoholic or codependent sibs in whom the disease has progressed and I have had a difficult time accepting in large part due to my memories of who we once were together and who we no longer can be to and with each other. Even with years of Al-Anon recovery work, it is still a difficult challenge to face and work through with my sponsor.
We can want what we want and when we don't get it, sometimes we beat ourselves up over it and there's really no point to that. The good news is that you did find Al-Anon and you did find us and that you are finding yourself again. You saw what you needed to see when you could do that and you know the solution that you are willing to embrace and to practice. Keep coming back. You are certainly not alone.
Sounds like your learning curve has been steep. You just highlighted some lessons you learned in 2 months that some people wrestle with for years. Good progress. Keep taking care of yourself and welcome!
Welcome Rikks. I'm glad you found MIP and Al Anon. We're all here to learn and take care of ourselves first. Sounds like you are off and running in the right direction. You'll find friendship and encouragement here. Keep coming back.
I am IMPRESSED by your awareness and your willingness to "go the distance" to help yourself...please be gentle on you...there is a reason why you were attracted to her and stuck w/her for so long....you will discover that when u r into the 12 steps and going through step 4 when you get to the steps...so glad u have a sponsor and are diving right in....
i smell healthy change in your future....i see this post as being soo honest and open and willing and guess what??? those are the BIG 3 , in my opinion, to either making it or not making it in program.....
I am glad you found al-anon too.....alanon is for us..about us...to help us get to know us...to save us....its never about the other...its all about us...as you grow and recover, you will be thanking your lucky stars she ended it w/you.....you deserve soooo waaaay much better than what she has to offer........sending support and encouragment
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you SO much everyone for the welcome, the wisdom and the encouragement.
The evenings are the toughest right now, so it's wonderful to come home to all of your posts. It really helps.
It's been such a tough couple of months. Now it seems I'm ok a good part of the day, but still experiencing anger, sadness,
shame and so on.
Missing the good stuff, like doing things for my ex and/or her daughter. Cooking, running errands. You know.
I feel so incredibly used, but seriously... joining Al-Anon is a miracle for me. I really, really in my heart know that this is
where I belong and that I have faith in it.
So much alcoholism in my family history: My dad, older brother, son and many friends and girlfriends.
Hard to believe it took me 53 years of living to wake up to the existence of a serious problem. I felt so ashamed that I
didn't want to live anymore. It was brutal, but it brought me here.
I can relate experientially to not wanting to live anymore which probably translates to not wanting to be in such pain anymore? No shame in that. And...........you could have run out and tried to stop the pain with women, drugs, drinking, partying, shallow relationships, starting fights just for the chaos and the drama of it, but you didn't. You chose to go to Al-Anon where you could learn what the real problem was and that there is a solution for it.
I would like to suggest our on-line chat room for those lonely times when you're home and it is quiet. Great bunch of folks are usually there and the laughter that goes on in there can keep you up until you have to tear yourself away to go to bed in time to get up for work. You'll go to bed some nights with a smile on your face and in your heart. You're not alone here even in the wee hours before dawn.
Thank you for the tip on the chat room. That sounds wonderful, and yes... the pain was super intense for about two weeks.
I'm fortunate though. The first three weeks after the split I guess I was in shock or something because I just plowed through it.
Working, being really up, looking at all the positives... Then I totally fell apart. It happened at work. I started shaking, then my
emotions just roared. Absolutely uncontrollable.
I called my partner and just told him the truth. There really wasn't any other choice.
I've never felt so hopeless, faithless, ashamed... all of it and more ever. Not ever.
He was unflinchingly supportive as were my real friends, and I say that because the ones that weren't fell away. I don't know how
else to say it.
It brought me here though. Amazing. Sure never planned on THAT happening.
Aloha rikks...welcome to the board and this awesome family. I'm saying "This guy found my diary"!! when I first started reading and found myself saying even "And she looked soooo good at the start"!! LOL There are lots of similarities in our stories here and it is in those similarities that I learned I am not alone and these people truly understand what I have been thru. Their recovery stories became what I wanted as similar also so I did what you have decided to do...get around them often, sit down, listen, learn and practice what they do so that I can have the same results. You're following the suggestions good...literature; Paths to Recovery is a very very good reader, meetings and sponsor, great!! get into the steps, traditions, slogans and service and your program will take off and take you places you never thought existed whether she continues to drink or not. This is a You program and I'm glad you've made MIP part of it. In support. ((((hugs))))
