The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My whole demeanor has changed after 15 years of dealing with an alcoholic. I loved him dearly when we first marriedI did not know he was an alcoholic, and all went well for two years. Then I hit the ground with a thud when he changed from Dr Jekyll to Mr Hyde right in front of my eyes. I have become cynical and angry, have few friends left, and life seems to have turned its back on me. I am dealing with him to this day though we have not been married since 2005. Sometimes I feel I have lost everything; I feel such anger and hostility towards everyone and everything. I try my best to be upbeat and strong, but when I am alone, I hate the world.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Dear Diva, I am so pleased that you were able to share your heart, just now. I can so identify with the feelings that you have just described as many years ago I too experienced the same as I watched my husband travel down the destructive path of alcoholism. I lost all hope and found myself full of anger, resentment, self pity and fear.
In retrospect I see that although I felt these feelings on the inside I often responded to the world with compassion and empathy while feeling empty inside. All of these feelings only affected my life and stopped me from experiencing joy, happiness, compassion and love.
When I first found program I was skeptical and did not speak for the first year at meetings. I did attend and felt better afterwards so I kept going back. Program suggested that I keep an open mind and I would find help and that I did not have to believe in a higher power in order to recover. Recovery for me meant to be able to let go of the anger and resentment and feel some joy and happiness
Al-Anon offered me the tools to free myself from this prison and I eagerly grabbed onto the tools that worked.
Meetings , the slogans The steps especially four through 11, set me free.
The program works- I urge you to pick up some tools again and give it a try. You my friend are so worth it as you have so many assets to call on.
I appreciate your honest share and am grateful for it, too. I don't have anything to add to Betty's post other than to second the motion to go back to Al-Anon if you choose. Glad you're here. I've had experiences similar to yours, too. Perhaps your life as its been no longer fits you and you're ready to re-create yourself and re-create your life, too?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 3rd of November 2014 09:51:45 AM
Diva, thank you for bringing all of these feelings here with an honesty that most dare not bring out into the open. Good that you know the best actions to take on your behalf...take care of your precious self.
I can relate to your experience.6 years ago I moved in with a man , I had a beautiful home and thought all was good,well there was trouble in paradise, he had a girlfriend!!He came to me two weeks before christmas and told me he wasn't happy and I had to move out.I took my christmas tree and my clothes and moved into my son's basement.They packed up the rest of the stuff and when I moved into my little apartment I started unpacking, she had taken my good kitchen items and gave me her crappy silverware and toaster with crumbs in it,that was it, I was burning with hatred and anger! and I got into a relationship with someone as angry as I was and I hated everything and everybody ,the man I was with was a raging alcoholic and I didn't care,I dared him to hit me.I hated myself that much,I did that until I couldn't stand myself any longer and I am coming out of the darkness.Today I am finding true peace and happiness again.I realize I turned my back on life but I am rejoining the living.
I have become cynical and angry, have few friends left, and life seems to have turned its back on me. I am dealing with him to this day though we have not been married since 2005. Sometimes I feel I have lost everything; I feel such anger and hostility towards everyone and everything. I try my best to be upbeat and strong, but when I am alone, I hate the world.
Diva
((((((((((((((Diva))))))))))))) oh I sooo relate to this post....sometimes one thing or a bunch strung together and break ya down....it happened to me via my childhood and then b/c i was so sick, subsequent relationships and LIFE in general........I STILL am not a people person, i don't hang out but w/a select few, I am a "loner" kind of person,
AND still get angry when i am hit w/something over which i am not in control......oh yea, i only manage it through stringent working my program...when i am really in a funk, i drag out my "what going RIGHT in my life" and i do a grateful list........it helps.....for some of us life has been brutal AND we, with our injuries, try to cope with the "Normal" bs thrown at us.........
my coping skills, thanks to my parents, are compromised big time....but program is my salvation.....if i leave program even for a week, i notice that i begin to slip in the old coda, angry, not healthy ways........i am glad u reached out here.....hanging with folks who strive to be healthy is the only way to go....i read the literature, work the slogans, and the steps... I have to do it all b/c i was soo messed up when i came here and will never 100% "get all of me back" but i will fight it one day at a time........
yea, i can relate to what you posted....we all come into this world with hope and trust and love as babies, then when that is all ripped away from us via childhood or other vital relationship(s) or major trauma in another way, we become, as you said, cynical and angry.....i know....i get in that mode a lot.....i have to fight it all the time via program....get into my center...my higher self , the spirit part of me that really is love and peace..........we are here....we are listening ok???? IN SUPPORT
-- Edited by neshema2 on Monday 3rd of November 2014 12:43:57 PM
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I think weve all been there diva, thats what alcohol does to relationahips and people. The only solution I found was working alanon, ive got to work it or I become exactly what you describe, bitter and angry. There are tools, gratitude lists, assets list, connecting with your higher power, walking in the world and soak up the beauty.
I am glad you could come here and be vulnerable and honest with us. I have had many times I could relate to your post, anger, resentment, life isn't fair and it can be overwhelming. I wanted so much, but didn't know how to get there. My sponsor taught me about baby steps and learning to be patient. I slowly changed the unhealthy thinking with a better perspective. It takes so much time and effort and well I didn't always want to let time take time and well I wanted it all now, yesterday even. But now I am slowly getting it and work it is, but I am worth the effort and so are you! I am glad you are here! Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Diva,I've read some of your posts.you strike me as being passionate and highly intelligent,talented also. Its always easy to look at someone else's talents,this I know. Me,I loved teaching English. It helped me feel competent,I was appreciated,occasionally adored and to give in a way that lead to growth was a joyful feeling.unlike giving to an alcoholic which is like watering sand. Were we in the same city,you are exactly the kind of person id want to check out art exhibition and do lunch with.Where are the four d's? xxo
Thank you all for your kind responses. You have made me realize I am not alone with my feelings. I suppose we have all felt the way I occasionally feel. My post was one brought on by temporary sadness and anger, which I actually do not feel often. It is a rare moment that you experienced; me having something dark and negative to say. I posted in a moment when I felt that I had been strong too long. But Diva will survive to laugh another day with a staunch refusal to allow negativity to reign. Again, thanks to all of you. I am doing my AlAnon thing weekly. Still have issues with it, but I'm trying.
Diva
-- Edited by Diva on Monday 3rd of November 2014 08:48:18 PM
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
