Howdy Reprof! Missed you. Sorry to hear things are still difficult. The only ESH I can share is that I simply refuse to acknowledge or let things be my fault when I know they are not. When people want to scapegoat me or blame me for their own crap, I hand them their mess right back in a way that is not stooping to their level. Basically, it's "Oh no...It seems you thought I was someone you could screw with? Wrong. Go elsewhere." At least that's the attitude. I do have enough of my own self inventory to worry about and I think I do an okay job most of the time at it. I don't recall handing out Pinkchip inventory homework to others to hand in to me. That doesn't mean that if someone makes a valid and caring observation about me (or even an angry one) that I don't consider if it applies to me. It's just that I'm no longer a dumping site.

I spent years sabotaging and dragging myself down. Don't need help to feel bad about stuff. So...basically, haters have no place in my life. Sorry. Even if I love a person and they are family, I will put up boundaries in place if they want to act hateful. I'm not trying to say I'm Mr. Tuff Guy or whatever. Actually, I'm still over sensitive and a softie, but because I'm that way, I had to learn to be a better friend and advocate for myself. Say you had a best friend and you saw her grown son and her jerky ex saying everything was her fault and treating her like dirt? What would you say to her? You would probably rush over and tell her how that was all BS and she was awesome and give examples of what a great person and friend she was/is. You would probably ask her why she listens to her ex who has proven time and time again that he's not a good person and you might tell her that her son could use some lessons in "you are an adult now...grow the heck up." I don't know the specifics so not giving advice. But THAT is what to do for yourself.

It stinks that we live in a world where when you walk with your head down or seem burdened, people will pile more crap on you. BUT, when you walk with your head up and give off a vibe of "I got this. I'm on my way up," people will not try you nearly as much. I hope this helps.

I do need to get back to self care -- oxygen mask on self first, right?

I just take on too much and fall back into the martyr / victim role...and then get stuck there.

I've missed the good support I get from this crew...thank you all so much...

I've had the same experience as you, sister. I got to the place where I began thinking that my son wanted to finish off what my x couldn't do - destroy me. Then, I realized that is the nature of the disease - that blaming, shaming, cursing, sabotaging, criticizing, manipulating, rug pulling, nasty, nasty, nasty disease. It wasn't my son or my x who were trying to destroy me. It was the disease. I could then better separate myself from it because I realized that it always meant me harm but I didn't have to let it be around me nor did I need to be around it. It was harder to do with my active AS than it was with my x, but there is nothing written that says a Mother must allow her active A kids to mistreat her no matter how sick they have become. I've also worked more than 60 hours a week while trying to tend to all that I thought was mine to do and was physically sick, too, but kept on pushing. One day, I was standing in my kitchen sick, tired and trying to figure out where to get the energy to go to work that day. What came to me was this: "It is not your HP's will that you should kill yourself with this much responsibility." I created new boundaries for myself that nobody liked but me at first and I separated myself from the disease and from the belief I had to work so many hours that I seldom found time for myself if I ever found time for myself. Even with Al-Anon, I was being beaten down. I found a good therapist, increased my attendance in Al-Anon, found a good sponsor and stopped believing I had to allow anybody - including my son's disease - license to treat me horribly (which was actually me treating me horribly). I stood up for myself and my right to live a simple and healthy life. It took me time to work myself out of being overly responsible as it had been a life-long pattern but I have. I slip since it is a default but I can easily pick myself right back up again with the help of my sponsor, good healthy friends and the fellowship, and get right back into refusing to let that darn disease destroy me.

You didn't cause your son's alcoholism. You can't control it and you can't cure it. You can make some changes that benefit you and not everybody is going to like it. Doesn't matter. What matters is you and how you treat you. (((R)))

Welcome back! Don't over-analyze this and give power to the A's in your life. Your son is now an adult and you've given him all you can as a parent. What has really helped me, now that my AH is no longer in my life, is to attend Al-Anon meetings for parents. I know that you have plenty on your plate right now, but if you can try to make it to a parent meeting, you will find the help and fellowship you need right now. For me, I was able to detach from my adult daughter and not let her take my inventory. Sending you ES&H!

Hugs,

GE

-- Edited by Green Eyes on Monday 3rd of November 2014 02:33:38 PM

Wow, welcome back to the family! You were missed! I am sorry things are hard right now, dig back into al-anon and self care and things have a way of getting straightened out. I am glad you are here. Sending you love and support!