The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have done a lot of reflecting today about how I spend my free time compared to what I did when living with AH.
When I lived with him, on my days off work, I would clean a huge house in the morning and wait until he would wake up. I would feel resentful the whole day because he slept half the day because he stayed up half the night. Our sleep/wake patterns were totally opposite. I would bring him coffee to wake up. He would tell me 2 or 3 times to come back and wake him up later. It was so irritating. At first I would excuse this pattern...he worked nights for many many years so his body is used to this pattern. I was always thinking of things for us to do once he would finally get out of bed. The things he always wanted to do were very self-serving. He didn't care much about what others might want to do. I would ask him almost on a daily basis to fix something in our fixer upper house or get rid of some of his junk. He did a few things here and there. But it was never enough. I held him to a higher standard than he was capable of. I lived in denial of what was going on around me. On the nights he would drink, we would sometimes be up half the night arguing about it...or the next day I would discuss the matter with him and hope this time he would change and actually hear my pain. I would try every angle I could to make things different. We would fight about him not going to work. We fought about everything. A blended family is not easy, and it's even harder with an A. One time we had an intervention with him...the kids and I...and I thought we got through to him. We didn't.
So my day today was so simple. Now that I don't live with him, I find myself feeling bored. I think it's because I don't have as much to worry about. Sure, I have major issues going on, but the day to day living without him is so much easier....my daughter and I went to church and to a friend's grand opening of her new fitness school....I took a yoga class...my daughter jumped in a bounce house. We went to eat, then to the store. We came home and just hung out together. I called my older 2 children away at college. I read Al anon CAL and even called my sponsor. We had dinner, and now we are watching a cute movie on Netflix.
My point? I don't have the same worry and anxiety I did when living with AH. I can actually sit and concentrate on things a lot better with my daughter. I can read and not be distracted. My days are usually pretty simple, and it feels ODD. Cleaning my apartment only takes 15 min or so since it's so small. It only takes a few minutes to heat up or cool down my apartment compared to the house. I was horrified when I first moved here, because I have to do my laundry in a separate laundry room....and to my surprise it has made my life easier. I can wash 2-3 loads at a time if the room is empty. I can meet new people. It forces me to walk more. I also have to take my dog to the dog park area, which gets me socializing with others. So, even though I have a lot of anxiety about my financial state, living on my own is better. I can get through the loneliness. I have a few things that trigger me...like around 3-4pm I start to feel lonely because that's when he used to finally get out of bed some days. But as I write this, maybe it's not loneliness? Could be anxiety because I used to worry about what mood he would be in.
Congratulations if you've made it this far. Just wanted to give a picture of how my life is different. Things seem easier, well except for the days I work it can be difficult...but life is easier not living with hiMm. I can do whatever activities I want. And it feels good. But strange. Now I have to work on detaching a little more from my best friend who has a lot of drama going on in her life. I can't fix her situation, and that's ok. I've tried. It's time to work on me. Thanks for being here for me!!
P.S. I am working on not feeling resentful about being a single mom. But it's for the best right now. I need to stop beating myself up because I had 2 marriages that didn't work out. I am ok. Hopefully I can keep feeling this way. this time of year is hard for me. One day at a time.
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Sunday 2nd of November 2014 11:39:39 PM
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Sunday 2nd of November 2014 11:42:34 PM
You sound so truly content. You are a woman of courage and integrity. Your daughter that you get to spend this quality time with now, will one day thank you. She will respect, admire and thank you for giving her childhood back and you will thank yourself for finding your serenity again. All my best wishes.
Thank you Jessmine. I still have a lot of work to do. I think having divorced parents while having a more peaceful home is better than having married parents who fight all the time.
Your post has a peaceful feel to it. I always enjoy having those before and after snapshots in my memory to take a peek at from time to time...then I move into "I wonder how my life will look in a year". After I wander I come back to "one day at a time"...this simple phrase helps keep me grounded and present. Thanks for your share
This morning I am remembering how I used to feel very sick to my stomach before taking my daughter to school if AH had been drinking. I would wake up to the smell of alcohol and it would make me feel so panicky and angry. Now I don't have to worry about that. I know my daughter doesn't either...because I call over there when she is with him. He always sounds ok. If he didn't sound right I would leave work and go get her in a second. Back up plans are in place.
Your post has a peaceful feel to it. I always enjoy having those before and after snapshots in my memory to take a peek at from time to time...then I move into "I wonder how my life will look in a year". After I wander I come back to "one day at a time"...this simple phrase helps keep me grounded and present. Thanks for your share
OMG, Paula, my sponsor and I are going over the "one day at a time" b/c of all the bad luck of late on me and , to some extent, her as well...so we have been really "working over" this slogan......and yep, the "wonder how my life will look in a year" i am staying away from that wondering as good as i can b/c today is enough to deal with, lol.....thanks for this
Newlife, hang in there, keep hanging in with us and the habits of alanon will sink in just being here and absorbing the love and support here.....i love the on line meets they have here b/c i learn a lot from the older folks tid bits here and there to work a strong program.....lately with all the crap happening to me??? I would be toast if it weren't for my sponsor.....and my goodest recovery mates....its like they (sponsor and recovery mates) are my guard rails...when i begin to "go off there" they gently but firmly bring me back....i post on here and other places where i feel safe and i call my sponsor, and i get "straight" again....this is an ongoing, forever (program) proposition or relationship, really, and like any relationship that is good and helthy, i want to stay aligned with it.......i hope this made sense........a break up is a trauma...they say the worst things , the most traumatic on the nerves, is death....divorce...and now job loss........those 3 things , without a program, i dunno how folks not in recovery cope.....I think you are doing just fine.....one foot in front of the other....and you are honest about what you need to do for yourself................IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
NLG, you sound great. How wonderful for you and your daughter that you can do and enjoy activities together. Those are very precious moments. One Day at a Time.
I can so relate and my SO is not even an A. I'm so tired of feeling I have to do it all or it won't get done. I am resentful now...I know it...I can feel it. You have come to a place I want badly but just don't know how to do it. Your post has given my thought to why I stay. Why I keep this madness up.
Thank you for your share NLG....you inspire me that I can do something if I really want to.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Glad to help Cathy. We all deserve a decent life! I was always doing a lot when I lived with AH, it doesn't feel much different now that I live on my own. I just feel more peaceful, but busy some days.
One great piece of wisdom my sponsor gave me when I lived with AH, was to act as if I were single...just do everything on my own. It prepared me to leave! I realized I was already doing a lot without his help when I lived with him.
My A has a problem with snoring and it's really awful and has gotten worse over the years...probably coincides with the disease. We have one vacant bedroom in the house when oldest daughter is at college. Well, A decided he was fed up with me hitting him all night when the snoring wKes me up so he slept in the empty bedroom. I was relieved at first, thinking I'd finally get a good nights sleep with him out of my bed but as I sat there alone, listening to him freakin snoring down the hall, it hit me that this is what it will be like when we're no longer together and that scared me for a minute. It was like the reality of my situation finally sunk in. I picked up my book and read, there was no sense crying over spilled milk that had soured years ago. The next night, A went to bed in the other room and I delighted in being able to watch tv in bed. Yay! No melancholy thoughts whatsoever. Unfortunately, after daughter came home for break A was back in my bedroom and hasn't left again. I'm afraid like me, he likes having the bathroom close. But that's okay, it was a short term experiment but I learned from it.
-- Edited by Spur on Tuesday 4th of November 2014 12:41:12 AM
