Pretend this is a meeting share because I didn't get to mine this week... - Al-Anon Family Group

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Pretend this is a meeting share because I didn't get to mine this week...

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Ms M I hear you and agree . You got this Trust your process

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Ditto.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I am listening Melly, just like I would if I were sitting in a meeting. (((Melly))).

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank-you ladies. One of the greatest gifts I have received from this program is the knowledge that I can nut this stuff out between myself and my HP, but it sure does help to be able to say it out loud to others who understand the process, no matter how crazy it sounds. You are such a gift to me.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

HP works in many ways, one of whuch is through people, I believe.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

The cat and dog are nuisance type concerns. The A was scary diseased and violent. Keep it in perspective Mel. I think it's just been so long with something standing in your way and enduring chaos and making do....You are doing great.

laguillotina · Member

I listened too, just like it was a meeting. :) You're doing the right thing, trusting in your HP. That was beautiful to read. Thanks for sharing.

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

Mel, laguillotina's right. That was beautiful. I smiled when you called your HP mate. Love it.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

The way I see this is that there are two separate issues. One is how the situation started and developed, and the other is how to deal with it now.

I know you are not looking for how-to's. You're looking for "Why do these difficult situations keep emerging?" Like trying to wrangle an octopus into a string bag when all the tentacles keep sticking out.

For dealing with it now, this is what I have observed. When people are stuck - me included - it's because we have a bunch of requirements that must not be violated. I'm sure we've all had conversations with someone like this. 'My life is so hard because of X.' 'Why don't you try A?' 'But then B would happen and that's impossible.' 'Why don't you try C?' 'But that would lead to D and I couldn't tolerate D.' 'Try E?' 'That would mean F and I absolutely can't have F.'

What I've noticed is that when one of these situations develops, there are only two choices. 1) Tolerate the situation as it is, with its stresses. 2) Change one of the 'unchangeable' requirements.

As to how it develops. I've totally been there. I always remember the saying 'Many people fail because they conclude that fundamentals simply don't apply in their case.' I have gotten myself into so many stressful situations because I went for what I wanted without taking the fundamentals all into account. Like: if he's an A, there will be trouble, he will not help, he will not be stable. Trying to set up life with an A around was a big way I didn't look at the destination printed on the ticket. Similarly, the aftermath of life with an A is continuingly chaotic. We may have spent too much money trying to cover for him, rescue him, or distract ourselves from him. We may be in an awkward housing situation. We may have children he doesn't support, and we're a single parent. We may still be dealing with debt, lawbreaking, etc. that he caused. Disentangling and getting back to an A-free life isn't instant. We take on more than any person could handle, and then we have to handle it.

So I think unrealistic expectations of what we can handle is behind a lot of choices that lead to overwhelm and complications down the line. A friend says, 'That's what we call "tuition."' Those are harsh words, but I am certainly learning my lessons.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

I like what Mattie shared. I listened, too, Mel. We're here for you. You are doing awesome, by the way! My sponsor always tells me to 'do the next right thing' when I say I don't know what to do next. Maybe that's just feeding the dog, maybe that's just writing in my journal, or calling a program friend. HUGS!

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for your share. First, I am just curious as to what "spew" means in this context. Vomiting or peeing? If it was vomit, he might still be recovering from his surgery.

This is my assessment...and I really had to think outside of my usual ways of responding. I think when we live with an A we are addicted to the drama and the flight or fight mode that we almost constantly live in. Is it possible your mind is creating this drama because it is what your mind is used to? Here is an example about me. I am trying to live without drama...which means I need to detach from my AH and also sometimes detach from my best friend. I am not used to this way of living, so I feel bored like I am not fixing someone and I have too much time on my hands. I hope this makes sense. I also think you might be so used to tip toeing around the A that you feel the need to do it now, even if you might not have to. Am I making any sense? Lol

SO...as I read over your choices, I would choose for you to talk to the landlady. She sounds like she would really listen to your fear of needing to tiptoe around and keep your animals locked up. Sounds like they are used to their old dog and her peeing...so maybe they are used to a little animal drama? She allowed you to have your animals in her home, so sounds like she would be willing to discuss your fear.

I am not trying to minimize your feelings, I am just saying maybe a mountain is being made out of a molehill. I am not sure, because I don't live with you. But you did say the landlady was a lot like you, so I think it would be great to be totally honest with her like you were with this share....maybe even tell her the same things you did in this share? You might be surprised by her response. Also, it sounds like you might be trying to predict the future and make it catastrophic because that's what you know from what has happened in your past.
I hope I helped some. This post made me look into my own brain...so I thank you for the therapy for myself as well!! :)

-- Edited by Newlife girl on Sunday 2nd of November 2014 09:58:41 PM

-- Edited by Newlife girl on Sunday 2nd of November 2014 09:59:12 PM

-- Edited by Newlife girl on Sunday 2nd of November 2014 10:00:42 PM

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry Melly, I think I gave you a practical solution by saying to talk to your landlady. I hope I didn't give too much advice...I looked at it more like giving my Al Anon insight. I hope that's ok

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My experience is we are talking after meeting..build a cute little outside area for kitty to go in....or buy one. Make an area outside just for dog to be in safely from goats. I trust you, you know a predator dog.

Good thinking outloud mel. My son takes his huge dog everywhere with him.

hugs,

rainbow · Veteran Member

You are so funny (in a good way) the way you write, it is just like you are talking, I could just hug you MissMeliss!

I wonder if one possible explanation of why you keep putting yourself in this situation is because you have seen your mother do the same thing over and over and so, you have learned from her to in cope with anxiety through avoidance? I don't know enough of your history to say if that is likely but I thought I would mention it.

The other thing that comes to my mind is that you are scared of going too far/to unfamiliar places, right? (I remember reading how you were freaking out about driving too far from home, into the city). So ...if that is the case, then maybe you are coping through avoidance by setting it up for yourself to "have" to stay home by making these choices so that you don't have to confront the fear of going too far into unknown territory?

As for your gorgeous dog (even with the muzzle, he is one handsome dude), I wonder if you would be willing to test the possibility that he is going to harm the goats? Can you cope with the anxiety of doing that and just see what happens, I mean your landlady has encouraged you to do that, so are you actually avoiding the anxiety of him going near them by convincing yourself that he is a goat killer and keeping him in your room. Like people, dogs learn through conditioning processes so can you teach him not to harm the goats by rewarding good approach behaviour with his favourite food reward? Remember if you try this, timing is everything so you will need to reward him immediately he takes one step in the right direction. Debilyn might be able to help you here as she seems to know a hell of a lot about animals? Or someone else? I don't know, Mel, these are just the thoughts off the top of my head...

i know you do not feel like you are doing great, but look at what you have gotten through so far since you ditched A. You've gone from threat of homelessness to surviving increased contact with your mum to today...you are amazing and resilient and I can just feel that you have already begun a fantastic new life. To me, it seems that it is your anxiety that is holding you back? Maybe this is why it keeps happening? Because you have to address your anxiety?

Sending you hugs big time

Southerngirl · Veteran Member

I see and hear so much of myself in this post/share. I'm still new around here, mostly reading and trying to learn - but - I wanted to share something with you that is helping me. I am a pet lover, too. I've had dogs, cats, horses, llamas, birds, hamsters, fish......you name it. Several years ago we started watching The Dog Whisperer, a tv show where Cesar Millan teaches people how to handle their dog situations. I have learned a lot about myself through this show. I won't try to list all the a-ha moments I've had, not just about dog handling, but about life. Anyway, what came to my mind as I read this is that you have an opportunity to be empowered with this situation and not be victimized by it. Maybe you could try practicing some of the dog whisperer principles with your predator dog. By taking on a leadership role with him, you will find yourself feeling strong and powerful, but in a calm and assertive way. I encourage you to find some youtube videos, check out his books from the library, watch the tv show. I can tell you from my own experience - this has helped me to gain confidence, pay attention to my inner thoughts and how to take control of them, create expectations that are realistic, and on and on. Just my two cents worth, even though I'm aware of how ridiculous it must sound.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks guys, awesome feedback. I probably do attract this kind of stuff as a way to keep myself at home because I'm scared of going anywhere...I think that's absolutely it, thanks Rainbow, that's interesting, I never really thought about it but when i was a kid I would refuse to go to parties or out to fun things because I felt safe alone in my room, it drove my mum mental, she thought I "had problems". I hadn't even considered that I'm still doing it. I'm not going to test out my dog with the goats though, he already decimated the neighbour's bunny, it was really horrible and traumatic, the lady was hysterical and cried outside for hours, I don't EVER want to experience that level of guilt again if I can avoid it.
Plus Mattie that's very true, I have way overwhelmed myself, so determined to have everything "normal people" have but I'm not normal, I've just given 8.5 years of my life to complete and utter abnormality in fact. Life on life's terms and all that, I guess.
I have to go get my girl today, it's an 8 hour journey so first I'm going to take the dog for a run on the beach and then he gets locked in my room, and I have been assured that she will let him out only if the back door is securely shut. Otherwise he and sal (another rescue dog) can play kissy kissy under my bedroom door lol they're so cute, they appear to be in love.
So I'm gonna try and enjoy being away from home, there's plenty of positives about it, and not worry about things that I can't control. Mad Mex for lunch...that's worth half a day on the train LOL.

Anyway thanks all, you are awesome.

(((everyone)))

ps Here is the security guard at my place. She is literally the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life, she's TINY like a little wind up toy dog LOL she's adorable. She doesn't look 12 does she?

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

plus...too much time in my own head thinking about mememe. Just for today....I will exercise my soul in 3 ways...might use this one for the rest of the week.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad to hear you are doing well. The dog is cute.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Fierce looking security guard there, Mel. About as threatening to me as a turtle.

salvie · Member

Thank you, missmeliss! I can so relate!
we live on a deer farm. This summer we got a puppy that my husband should spend on hunting.
Many neighbors have asked us if we understand the danger of having a hunting dog so close to our deer. My AH seems that there is no problem.
He goes to work every morning and come home late at night. I must take care of the puppy. I have no experience with dogs. When we got the puppy he was only 6 weeks old and I treated him like a baby. I got up at night, slept very little and was completely exhausted. Besides, we have an adult cat from before that did not accept that the puppy live here now. She beat him and fights with him. All this I was worried before we got us the puppy. I tried to discuss my concerns with AH, but he reassured me and said that it will go smoothly.
That's fine for him because he does not care of our animals. He does not because he has me. One time I was so exhausted by the whole thing that my sponsor said I must sell the puppy. She and other Al-Anon friends told me that I must take care of myself. Moreover told my sponsor that I am worth much more than my puppy. It was hard for me to let the puppy be in dog garden because he screams so much. When he got bigger, it was a couple of episodes that I had to go in the deer garden and save the puppy from adult animals that were about to kill him.
It was dangerous for me because deer are not tame and could harm me.
Now I learned that I can not neglect myself and that I am responsible for my own well-being.
I am learning to surrender my animals to God and trust Him to look after them. I work with the program and I'm more and more aware that I am worth more than gold for God. I have talked with AH and we agreed that he should take care of the puppy and cat in the evenings and early mornings before he goes to work. I am very grateful for Al-Anon, my sponsor and all my friends who helped me to face reality. I tend to make everything perfect and that's because I've lived with the family disease alcoholism. Now I learn not expect so much of myself and others, live life on its own terms and take care of myself. I try to use my time to satisfy the needs of mine. Therefore, I go to meetings, read CAL, talking with my sponsor and use the Al-Anon principles in all my affairs.
Maybe it sounds childish out but I'm in the beginning of my recovery and I know I have to learn a lot. Thank you, missmeliss, I learned a lot from your post.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can so relate and I have read this a few times and haven't had time to comment, but I am here listening and in support always!

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for this post mel, I think its so good to look between the lines, see the deeper meaning. I think ive done this all my life too, thats wny I married an a. He was my brick in the wall, excuse the pink floyd reference, but he was a huge sheild, helped me opt out of living. Life was scary, filled with fear and he allowed me to be blocked in like you describe. I still do it miniature, I think il be fighting this my whole life. Its not good. You dont have to be in a box, living in fear. I dont quite get the need for pets, its like being tied down to a baby, i know thats a controversial statement but im more about being free of responsibility. Im learning to put myself first and i think thats a must for me. I know you will work out the action part of the 3 a's, youve got the awareness and acceptance sorted out.x

-- Edited by el-cee on Tuesday 4th of November 2014 03:14:12 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.