The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A's parents are coming this morning to help him move today. By 1pm I hope he will be gone and I will have the whole afternoon cleaning up everything and specially my bedroom. I got a break from my Sunday job to make sure I have time to do it and start a fresh brand new week.
The last few days were chalenging but now I undertand why HP made him stay until today. We had to iron out issues regarding his behaviour with our daughter (co-sleeping/smack bum games/boundaries). Also if he had moved before I wouldn't have had enough money for the bills and would be under his umbrella. As from yesterday all the bills included rent are being paid from my bank account as finally I received my financial support this week, my deadline before borrowing money. Also I paid him half of the deposit for this apartment so he has absolutely nothing to complain from me now on and no rights here.
He mentioned the other day that he might not take all of his stuff in one go and might need to come back. I kept silent but today once his parents are here I will ask him in front of them to take everything. No reason to live stuff behind. Also he failed to fix the curtains in daughter's bedroom and a few other thing that he can do quickly and easily. He knows I am usuless with DIY in the home and he is taking all the tools with him. I was a bit anxious about it, as he wants to use this fact to have an excuse to come back. But last night I have just decided I will hire a handy man (or woman) to do these jobs. No point in saving money when my peace is concerned. Then once I am feeling stronger I will purchase a tool kit and learn how to fix stuff around the home myself.
I will take his keys before he wakes up, he won't need it anymore, I will be in all day. I am a bit nervous about meeting parents in law today, have no idea how they will treat me. I am planing to keep out of the way cleaning and organizing daughter's bedroom while they are carrying the stuff out. I will speak the minimum possible. On Tuesday after school I will have a family support worker round to visit daughter and I. This is the result of the appointment with the Youth Mental Health Services. I was told that if A stays here longer than today Social Services would step in. They are not happy with the way he is interacting with our daughter, making her his emotional crutch and talking to her about suicide...But on Tuesday it is also his time off work and I will have to tell him that he can't see her because of the family support worker. home visit. I predict he will go mad. I will have to work with the school to not release her to him. In fact I plan to collect her a few minutes earlier and from another exit to avoid any problems.
Thank God I work at that school.
-- Edited by Luiza on Sunday 2nd of November 2014 03:28:56 AM
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Oh God, I took his keys out of his key ring and went to hide it together with the spare key and guess what?? The spare key isn't there! I thought I had find a good hiding place. Why am I so naive still?? First was the passports and now the spare keys. I guess he was planing to willingly make a big show out of giving me back his set of keys but he already has the spare key stashed somewhere.
I will now just put his set of keys back and see what happens. Once he is gone I will need to call a locksmith and change the whole lock. It will cost a fortune, it is Sunday after all but it needs done. I will not be able to sleep tonight or go to work tomorrow knowing he has a key to my home.
-- Edited by Luiza on Sunday 2nd of November 2014 03:26:07 AM
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
You are a brave woman. Much respect and prayers for you! Throughout this whole thing, I hear you looking out for you and minding your boundaries. Peace of mind is priceless. You have that right.
Lots of wisdom and strength in your post and well thought out plan. It may cost a fortune to change those locks and good for you - you're going to do it anyway. He is planning on keeping one foot in your life and you are doing what you can to make sure both feet go out that apartment door together with all his stuff and excuses for returning. Although I knew that I wanted my x out of my life and out of the house, I still had to wrestle with my own thoughts, feelings, disappointments and grief. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist and do hope that you are attending meetings if not in person - on-line here - and have support that helps you do what you need to do to grieve and to heal through this time in your life.
I thought I would write the longest post ever tonight but I am so exhausted.
Just want to say that all went well, parents in law treated me just fine. I am so glad they are supporting him.
Daughter is not doing too bad. But it is very hard for her, they have a special bond.
As for me...well I don't know what I am feeling. I feel weird. I feel guilty but relieved. I feel happy but sad. Or I just feel nothing sometimes. I think I am also scared.
I thought that today I would be feeling like drinking champagne and celebrating. I feel strangely ashamed. My mind is trying to tell me that nothing ever happened and I created everything and over-reacted. But I know I didn't. It is confusing.
I even cried. I almost never cry. I didn't want to cry.
I guess I need to try and get some sleep in my big bed and see how I feel tomorrow.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
(((L))) What you are thinking and feeling is part of the process. You've had a very big day. I'm glad you are choosing to rest. This is the "afterwards" I was referring to in my earlier post. In some ways, it is like the let down following giving birth. This, too, will pass. It is temporary.
Luiza This is all a process. Allowing yourself to feel the feelings, the sadness, the loss, the difference will permit you to walk through this time with courage, serenity and wisdom. Keep sharing
Whatever you feel is ok. What is most important is that you feel your feelings. I find random writing helps me get the feelings out of me to observe and accept. Blessings, Luiza.
Hey Luiza, I'm feeling a lot of loss also.
I'm trying to see it as, no matter what else, I just "broke up" with a guy I loved a lot. I loved him so much I lost myself completely. Of course it hurts and feels empty.
It's not like, just because he was a crazy A, we don't get to grieve.
We weren't close for a long time but I miss him, several times a day i think about how even when we were fighting we would stop and he would put his arms around me, its crazy but I miss those crumbs of affection.It's painful. I don't know if its like that for you. Do you miss him or are you just mad? I don't know which I am yet and it's been a week.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Luiza, you are a strong and brave woman. I am glad everything went ok. I feel the same way you do sometimes...it helped me to journal about how bad it was living with AH, so I could remind myself. I find myself getting bored without drama. I have to do different things now to fill my free time. Take care of yourself. Hope you sleep well. Let us know how you feel tomorrow!
Well this is day 1, such a productive day. So peaceful too. It is so good not have anxieties about someone else's behaviour.
Even daughter had a fantastic day at school and at home. She hasn't mentioned him at all except once in the morning when she asked me to tell her teacher that he moved out. I am very surprised she is not talking about him, asking for him/to call him. He didn't make any contact either even though he is off work today and tomorrow.
But many times during the day I wanted to call or txt and check up on him, ask how he is doing. I don't miss him, I am just wondering if he is ok. Last night I woke up at 3am feeling very sad for him. Imagining him helpless and hopeless in a sea of mess, living in a strange house with people he has never met before. And daughter told me his TV is not working, problems with signal/reception in his bedroom, so he has to use iPad or DVD player. I was feeling sorry for him, he is truly addicted to TV, it is one of his crutches. And I started to cry, how pathetic. I know the TV issue can be fixed and he can get distracted with other devices...I know he can get up and sort his mess out himself. And I know he can move out to a place of his own with a bit of effort. So why was I crying like a baby? Didn't I tell him many times I was reaching my bottom and couldn't take his drinking and behaviour anymore? He chose not to change. I just hope he seeks help and sort his life out. I will pray for him everyday.
I know the saying 'when in doubt, don't' but I really want to contact him and check how he is doing. I think my intentions are just to stop worrying and also being kind. But I am afraid he will get angry and tell me I am a hypocrite. After all, I DID this to him and of course he is far from ok, I hear he saying. Or maybe he is just trying his best to move on and if I contact I will spoil his efforts. I don't know...it is still very raw. I must remember he has his HP too.
BTW, I found the missing set of keys in the most random place in daughter's bedroom. She probably got it from my hiding place and played with it. I am glad he didn't take it and didn't have the evil plan I assumed he had on my first post. And I am glad I never accused him or confronted him. Before Al-Anon I would have created hell. I wonder how many unnecessary hells I created before Al-Anon...anyway it is in the past now.
Ah! I also have a white board on the wall. Inspired by other thread I started a Gratitude Board for daughter and I. We will write on it every morning before going to work/school. Daughter even suggested writing on it at the end of the day too just before going to bed...but tonight we were again so tired and we forgot. Will do tomorrow!
-- Edited by Luiza on Monday 3rd of November 2014 05:59:49 PM
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
I'm glad you didn't call him. If he tells you he isn't okay - what then? Him: I'm awful. You: I'm sorry to hear that. Him: I'm doing great! You: What?!!!!!????? Him: Why do you care? You kicked me out. You: I still care about you. Him: Good, get over this crud and let me come back home. You: No. Him: You blankety, blank. Why did you call in the first place? You: Because I wanted to make sure you were okay. Him: You don't care. You: Yes, I do. H: Don't. You: Do. Child: They're still fighting. What's the difference here for me? I don't see that anything positive can come out right now if you contact him. He might see it as you care about him but isn't the issue that he wasn't showing care for you?
Love the gratitude board idea! Great way to start a new, positive tradition.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 3rd of November 2014 04:54:06 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 3rd of November 2014 05:00:59 PM
I think G2B is listening in on my calls with my AH!!! She is so right, Luiza. Don't bother calling him, more than likely it will end in a fight. You sound so good today! That's great! Your new pic is adorable....you look so happy. You are doing the right thing. Hang in there!
