The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The hardest thing about being sick and sad on my favorite holiday and what was suppose to be our 3 year anniversary was that he wasnt there to take care of me, and that even if he had been, it probably would have not been what I hoped for. I miss his smile and his eyes and right now I feel him here with me ever so present that it scares me. I feel so very sad at the love that was lost and the fear I have that I will never be able to love in a healthy way. I will just dive into the depths without any clue on how to swim.
I miss his arms. I miss holding him. I miss his dumb jokes. I miss the sound of his voice.
Theres a part of me that wants to say ****k it. I want him back, but what would that even mean. It would mean a lot of not good. Much compromise. Much settling. Watching the man I love slowly kill themselves.
I want to reach out to him and say have you reached your bottom yet. Are you ready to start fighting? Is it finally time? I figure even if he has begun his sobriety, would he even feel ready to reach out to me, and I also have to realize that even if I did take that step, he may still be exactly where he was, and that is the most likely scenario. He may never be ready, and thats the conclusion I reached when we broke up. He wasnt willing to fight for me, or us, or himself. It was always the world was out to get him, get us, and there was nothing we could do, but admit defeat and wallow. I am such a fiery person. I dont give up easily and I am quick to stand my ground for a hefty fight, which is maybe why I dont want to give up on him.
In the last few weeks, Ive been dating a few men, Ive been taking the steps to get back on track with my music, and barely thinking about him, and its this one damn day that makes me feel like Im vortexed back to square one. Me wanting him. Me wanting to do away with all the good work Ive done on myself and try to rescue him. I feel Im on the cusp of this big personal break though and my automatic response is to go running back to the storm that threw me. 2 years of my life spent with him and I feel I had nearly no personal growth. It was just this black void of bad love and hoping with a heavy heart for change.
I feel absolutely crazy for even having a single thought that would mean trying to let him back in my life in any regard. I just miss him so very much. The nostalgia of the memories seems to be doing a number on me. I am confused. I can't discern if its that I truly love him and want to make it work, or if it's just another route for self-sabotage.I am curious on your thoughts and if any of you have decided to give youre A another chance after a long break.
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 1st of November 2014 06:14:23 PM
For me, it was my warped thinking and denial that had me going back and thinking it could work...and it was 7 years. People don't get sober because they are ready to "fight" it and they don't do it for you. It's not personal and it's not about you even. They do it because they are ready to surrender and they see it as life and death pretty much. If they are not there yet, odds are 99 percent they believe you have the problem because they didn't see or didn't want to see that they could have both the relationship and the alcohol (even if you told him that). Alcoholism is more powerful than you. Step 1. I understand post-breakup loneliness and yearning for the easy closeness of the relationship, even when the relationship is bad. It is a disease of it's own that has you going "I'm lonely and sad. I wonder if that sick guy is well enough to date me now?" With all the love and support, your question sounds more to me like "Is it okay for me to renounce step 1 and take my will back?" If you are meant to be with this man, let him get better on his own and seek you out. And even then...be wary. If you keep working your program with meetings, step work, and fellowship, you will lose the urge to get your needs met by sick people. Lastly, all of your emotions here are from a place of being raw, afraid, and needy. That is not a healthy place to initiate or re-initiate a relationship. That is a set up for another round of codependent drama. This has been my experience...I have lived it for large portions of my life until finally latching onto recovery with both hands and not letting go.
These thoughts and feelings will pass. But the untreated disease will not. I can remember going through a period following divorce when I'd be in a store and would pass by his favorite cologne and the fragrance would unnerve me or I'd remember one of his jokes or find an old check he wrote and feel a wave of grief. Took me about 3 years to work through all of that. I have learned that if a relationship didn't work the first time around, it won't work the second either most of the time. I thought I had to get over caring about him and then I realized I couldn't do that but I could get over wanting what just wasn't going to work no matter how much work I did on myself.
