The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am struggling w/ the same regrets from the past. I hope someone on here has similar experiences so I can see a different point of view. Sometimes I get stuck. One of the main issues I have & will probably always have, is the fact that I am basically barren. I cannot have children. I don't want to adopt & besides sick people like me never get approved. How can I really take care of anyone's child even my own. So, I am sometimes very sad because I have this stupid bipolar disorder that has many drawbacks. I take heavy doses of sleep medication. I really feel that I have a bad case of insomnia. I am not able to sleep well at all. This is not a regret; just a statement.
My other regret is not saying a proper goodbye to either of my parents. Right now is the time of year when my step-mom died & soon it will be the time my dad did about 2 mos. later. I sure have my share of grief. I am so trying not to have these regrets kick my butt. It is just gnawing at my soul. I wonder sometimes what it would be like if they had lived. I also wonder what it would have been like if I went first. I often suffer from doom & gloom moments where I wish I would just go. I am not suicidal but the burden of life sometimes gets me down. Today I don't feel too much like dying but there are days...Do I & will I have to suffer like this or worse when I get older?
So, now I get to the positive. I am healthy enough to walk down here to this library to get on this computer. My mind is getting a little better. Like my mom says, I can concentrate a little better. I do make sense. I just need to give myself credit for what I can do. Sometimes I feel like I can help someone on here. Sometimes I just feel like my comments are just for me. Maybe they are just a venting process. I don't know for sure. What I do know is that I still want attention. Notice me, listen to me & focus on me! Then there are other times when I just want to hide under a rock. I feel like I am a square peg in a round hole. But, today, if nothing changes nothing changes. I am not stuck in this view of my reality. I am as normal as I can be & am as happy as I want to be. I am able & capable.
Hi, Kathleen. One of things that has helped me with some of what you've written is to write goodbye letters to whatever or whomever I choose. I don't mail them. I just write everything that I want to say in them and feel what I need to feel. There have been times when I know I'm completely cleaned out of the emotional grief, I have put the letters into a little boat and let it sail down the river. If a wounded memory returns, I remember that I have buried it "at sea" and I let the memory go again. I lost children in multiple miscarriages. It bothered me that I couldn't bury them nor could I say goodbye to them. I was walking one day with friends in a cemetery and ended up in the children's section quite by accident. All the grief I had carried with me over the loss of those children surfaced when I saw the little markers for other children. I held the hands of my friends as I told them why I was crying. Together, we buried with the other children the ones I couldn't ever know or see with prayer and thanksgiving that for some reason known only to my HP, I was not able to be the physical mother of the children that died before they became fully viable. Once I did that, I could walk away from those wounded memories as well and be fully present to the people who were in my life at that time.
Glad that you notice that you are able and capable and I'll add willing to be as normal and as happy as you want to be. (((K)))
I understand about not having said good bye to a parent. My father was so far gone mentally when he died from alcholism that i don't think he knew who I was. I have a lot of sadness in my heart from my childhood and even just typing that makes me emotional and the tears are falling. I have a lot of baggage that hasn't seen the light of day because my coping mechanism has always been to never show weakness; never let them see me cry. But coming to this site, reading someone's share and finding it hitting home with me, I will respond. Often times the stuff I am moved to share brings back old feelings of helplessness, inadequacy, fear. And in sharing that here I feel some relief from the burdens I carry in my heart and in my mind. So I also understand feeling like the comments you share here are more for yourself but with the hope that your experience can also help or give comfort to fellow Al Anon members.
I've also written out several shares and after the tears and rereading it twenty times, I find I don't need to post it because I've released whatever the emotions were that were stirred up. I really like Gratefuls suggestion of writing letters and then not mailing them. I think that method could be very useful to me. Thanks Grateful.
Everyday we face the dilemma of will we find joy despite our problems or will we let our issues get the better of us? I always look for the good in every day, in every situation. That helps me.
Kathleen, I am so sorry to read that you are in such a sad place. I have always found that making a gratitude list of all the positive memories that I held regarding the people in my life who had passed really helped. I then went about forgiving myself for what I perceived as my Failures in the relationship and acknowledging that I did the best I could at the time. This certainly helped to lift the sadness. A reading in the C2C speaks about such an issue and suggests that we learn from the regrets going forward and resolve to treat everybody with courtesy , respect and dignity each and every day. This way we will have no more regrets.
As far as having children is concerned, HP is in control of that. I lost my only child 7 years ago so that there are no guarantees.
I have struggled for a long time myself, I have emotional issues and I am in therapy dealing with those things and most of it is pain from my childhood and behaviors I have learned.I was thinking about a regret yesterday,My teenage daughters father was an addict and we weren't together,he had isolated himself from everyone and didn't have a relationship with her.He died alone with a couch and a table,he had sold his car and even his bed.I felt such a burden of grief and despair for her and thought I should have tried to contact him,but I realize I can't make choices for other people and after working with my therapist and al-anon I realize I have the same symptoms and behaviors as the A in my life,I was isolated and alone and I am coming out of the darkness.I am joining groups and I am reaching out and expanding my world.I am getting rid of the shame that keeps me from other people and I am joining life. I choose life today,I choose sunlight and joy because I too can get trapped in the darkness.I was given a diagnosis of bipolar but I stopped focusing on that and just what I could do to get better and it is working and I have been suicidal and hopeless and I am not today.I am allowing myself to feel joy and grace.I hope this helps you ! shine a light on those dark places and come out into the light of hope.love mary
