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i haven't been to an Al Anon meeting in a long time. The last time I was at these boards was a year ago. I just need someone to read this and maybe tell me I'm not crazy? or if I am crazy, that I will get better soon?
I traded in an alcoholic for a rageholic. We've been together for 4 years. In the beginning of September we moved into a beautiful new home that we've been customizing together (and every project was a nightmare with him trying to control every detail, losing his temper quickly and me reacting and arguing back). We went on vacation at the beginning of this month and had a wonderful time. No fighting, no issues.
We had a nasty fight last night. It started with me taking a big chance in the beginning of me having a panic attack and saying, "I'm anxious about all the things I have to do tomorrow" and him telling me, "just control your mind, what are you? 5?" It escalated from there. He admitted he took it personally when I said I was anxious and that it meant I hated doing projects with him. The argument ended with him saying that if I was really depressed or anxious or a drama queen that i should go up to the roof of our building and jump off. I told him, "telling me to go kill myself? you're a real class act".
I tried to talk to him today. He told me he "doesn't give a s**t". He left without another word to spend the day with his son. I usually go with them and we all go to karate together. I stayed home and even though I am sad that I will miss karate today, I don't want to see him and pretend things are cool in front of his kid.
I feel like i got into another stupid situation. I don't know what to do. I think I should start small - like: take dogs for walk. Go to the gym. I just don't know. I feel like a big dumb idiot. a WEAK idiot.
-- Edited by laguillotina on Saturday 1st of November 2014 10:19:42 AM
Laquilotina Welcome to MIP--- You are not crazy , weak,dumb or insane. You are an intelligent, talented caring woman who has been affected by living with the disease of alcoholism.
I agree going to the gym, taking the dogs for a walk will all help to calm you down but the best and biggest gift you can do for yourself is to search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. Dig out your alanon literature and concentrate on the tools you are not alone and there is hope
You are not dumb,you are not weak.I just left a raging alcoholic and he isn't my first, who I let twist me into a pretzel.I tried to communicate my feelings to him about my fears and he raged even more, I too was having panic attacks.One day I looked at him and said." I don't think you are the man for me", well he was terribly insulted and told me to pack his things because he didn't want to live with a bitch who told him what to do,it was the happiest day of my life,it hasn't been easy and I am poor as a church mouse, but last night I felt pure joy and thanked God that I survived and was able to get out.I am truly becoming free.what i saw as a failure is now becoming a lesson.I wish you joy and peace you deserve it.
What type of person tells someone that they can go jump off the roof and that they don't give a ****? Oh, I remember, in fact I think I told a similar story here at MIP earlier this year. I am so sorry that you are in the midst of this.
I am learning that some people are not emotionally able to cope with any weakness in others. It is sad but if they don't want to learn to behave differently then they will probably end up being very lonely indeed. That is their choice. In the past I have wanted to soften their world, plump up the pillows, make everything alright. But actually, that is not my job and these days I can see that the times when AH has been ghastly, even before his drinking started, have been when I've been weakened by bereavement. I can't tell you how angry that makes me.
I remember a time when we had some lovely friends over to our home for a party. The three men (AH included) were sitting together being oh so entertaining and I remember looking at them and thinking how very attractive they all were. Turned out that all three of them were alcoholics! Just goes to show my own leanings doesn't it?! But I see that in myself now, which means that I can learn too. I think that life gives us the lessons we need until we don't need them any more.
It is great that you are doing nice things for yourself, and wonderful that MIP is here to support you.
Being with a rage-a-holic would be more troublesome to me than being with an alcoholic. From what you've written here, he plays down and dirty. That won't change, of course, until he sees the problem. Home life can be a safe life. It sounds to me as if you are not safe on any level? Separating yourself from him so that you can get your bearings and talk things over and reason things out at the board sure beats putting on a "happy face" when you don't have one. I so appreciate the care you've demonstrated for his son by not going to class today. You were verbally assaulted. That assault is on him. It isn't on you. I've never met an idiot in my 65 years of life. I have met people in varying degrees of pain and confusion and angst. We are fragile beings and emotional and mental abuse does affect us. I, too, agree with your inner wisdom to go for a walk and to spend time with your dog. I also agree that returning to Al-Anon meetings both face to face and maybe on-line, too, might help restore some of your self confidence and self esteem? Come back here, too. (((L))) And don't let him snow you. He acted the way he acted because it works for him. He'll change it when it doesn't. His behavior is not due to you feeling anxious. It's due to him feeling anxious and trying to control what happens and doesn't happen. I've known some adult ragers in my lifetime. I visualize them as ants behind podiums and their raging no longer affects me or I remove myself or them from my presence.
Thank you all for the support :) Thank you, Mary and Milkwood and Betty.
There is a meeting at 5pm tomorrow near my apartment. I am going to make that one. Today? I'm going to try not to live the rest of my life in one day by obsessing over trying to plan my "next steps". If he comes home or not, if he speaks to me and lets me know if he's coming home or not... I am going to do self care and take things an hour at a time. And I'll cry if I have to and I'll try to remember that I don't deserve to be treated like this. I don't deserve to be told to go kill myself (BTW, that comment came from his belief that everyone who is ever depressed or battling anxiety is weak and crazy and is constantly near suicide. I think his dad taught him that, who knows?).
Thanks, grateful2be.
I'm physically safe, although emotionally, nope. Not around him today.
I am tempted to apologize for upsetting him via text! There's another voice that is telling me, "don't do a thing. just see what happens next." Judging from the amount of anxiety that I feel when I think of each option, I'm going to go with "don't do a thing". I'm calmer when I think about that. Composing an apology text that hits on all the right notes so that he will accept it... That's too stressful and crazy making.
I'm going to buy a paperback novel instead.
Sounds more like you are with someone emotionally insensitive. That is a lonely place and not unlike being with a drunk. You are not crazy but this guy isn't going to morph into the guy you want in terms of being compassionate, understanding, and supportive. It is up to you to decide what you are gonna do about it. I tried many times to argue guys into becoming emotionally sensitive when they simply were not. Turned out I needed to meet my own needs better but also reach out to healthy folks rather than damaged projects for me to "draw" the caring from.
He behaved in an abusive way towards you and that wont change unless he gets help for himself. That is unlikely, however, because this rage gives him power. To enter into a program where the first step is admitting you are powerless might be a bit challenging for him. I do not see that you are crazy, you are living in crazy. It is wonderful you reached out here and will be getting back into your recovery. Keep coming back hugs...
Still have your Al-Anon literature? That's not novel...it's real time open, honest and therapeutic. I relate somewhat to crises as I just went thru it myself and with gratitude I am reminded of the alternatives to "going thru it". I can do it my own/old way which never worked cause I am just not my best mentor or sponsor I am the sick one. I have special people in a large support group to help me such as you have just used...MIP/Al-Anon and my sponsor. I'm different in a better and more acceptable way than I was this morning and for 3 days before it. For that I am grateful. Glad you made it here also. I don't blame others for when I am in a bad place as it just gives me an excuse to stay in that bad place. Keep coming back this works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 1st of November 2014 05:27:53 PM
I have my Courage to Change book. I'll see what else I can get my hands on tomorrow afternoon. I need to get some good step-work literature. It's time I seriously do the steps again and change my life again.
Reading novels is one of the best self-care things that I can do for myself. I will read my Al-Anon books too. And I'll stay on the boards. Thanks, All of you!!
