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I am a grateful member of Alanon, nearly five years and without the support of Alanon friends and trying to work the prgramme I think I would have gone insane.
The alcholic in my life is my partner and we have two children 7 and 8 years old. Her father too was an alcoholic and he died as a result. My partner has been in rehab for 5 months once, detox once, been sober for nearly a year once and for the last two to three ayers has been drinking. She lost her driving license, had it refused again when she re-applied due to her medical showing her carbohydrate- deficient transfer level to be 5.9% which is consistent to continued misuse of alcohol. She goes to AA meeting once a week. Says she is getting better but continues to drink, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. She wanted a at home detox but the doctors said her alcohol levels were too high and she had to cut down her intake. She did try but as usual the drinking has spiralled out of control. Her doctors have told both of us that her liver is damaged and unless she stops it will not repair itself. She continues to drink. I am having real trouble showing any compassion or understanding of my alcoholic!
the children are aware they don't like it when she is in, as they call it, one of her sleepy moods. I continue to work, sometime away from home. I make sure there is always a sober person in the house( does pick ups from schools, takes them to after school clubs and stays over night when I am away)This is usually a paid child care person who knows the situation.
Friends have gone away, her own mum has great difficulty being in her presence and can help but this always ends up with my partner using her mum as an excuse to drink when she stays.
I want a normal life agin for me and my children. I have said that I can't go on. I have set boundaries, always try and detach( with love), go to regular Alanon meetings and have said to her she needs to leave home and get into recovery and then come back. she refuses. I really want this all to end.
thinking my next step is to say she has until the new year and if things continue I will go to court and try and get a residency order for the children. My solicitor has said we should be bale to obtain this and if my partner contests this it will cost upwards of £12k.
Sorry for the rant and long share just needed to get to out. My Alanon groups are great but there is not another man in the same circumstances to me. I feel I am enabling her too much but am worried that the children will suffer more if we separate... Or is this just my denial?
Dear Tim,I can so identify with the difficulty that you have just explained and am happy that you have found Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and are attending. I'm sure that you have heard the suggestion that we should not make any major decisions or life changes for at least six months to a year after starting program. That is so we can learn new constructive tools to live by, and regain our self-esteem and self-worth. Being a parent with two small children certainly does carry a heavyweight when the partner is an alcoholic. We do have several men here on the board and I'm sure that they will be able to share their ES H with you so that you will feel comfortable in returning and sharing.
Alcoholism is definitely a progressive , fatal disease that can be arrested but never cured. So I urge you to keep coming back there is hope.
It takes courage to stand your ground and say no more to living with active alcoholism and to the perpetual excuses/reasons for drinking that only further the desire to drink. Doesn't matter why she drinks. It matters that she drinks. Whether she gets help or not, of course, is entirely up to her. The good news to me is that you saw your need for help and went for it. You saw that no matter why you had issues, they were still yours to deal with and you did and you are. Kudos.
Well, maybe the way you say it might change? For some of us, there did come a point of no return in relationship to our A spouses. I'm not sure if you're there yet - only you would know that. I do think if and when you get there, your HP will provide the timing and the words and actions you can employ in putting physical distance between you and your AW.
Hi Tim, I'm sorry to read that this weekend was so painful . It sounds as if you have reached close to your breaking point. There is a reading in the Courage to Change that states if we feel as if we cannot do this one more day, turn to HP, pray and ask for guidance.
I know I have been in the spot that you described and I was led to taking an action that I wouldn't believe I could do but did. In retrospect it was the perfect solution.
Prayers and positive energy for you and your family
Hi Tim, sounds like a typical weekend with an alcoholic. I like what Betty shared above and it made me think about the Just for Today's, especially the one that states, "I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime." I think I got that right, LOL??
Anyway, sending you hugs and prayers. I know that, for me, my bottom came slowly after just being ground down over the years of living in dysfunction. It wasn't the binges, it wasn't the DUI, it wasn't the jail time.....I relate it to Chinese water torture, just a slow drip, drip, drip bearing down on me until I felt I just couldn't do one more day. That's where I am today and I am planning on filing for divorce soon.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I am sorry for your pain.I can relate,it made me think of my experience.there was house arrest and then there was jail and then there were the sleepless nights,the phone calls at 2 a.m. babbling incoherently.and there is more,but I became a prisoner myself in an emotional jail and I made the decision to end it , and that is okay today.I think God lets you know when it is time, listen for his voice.
Been there, done that, arranging for people to be there while I on business trips, the times when I wasn't able to the wife got into serious legal trouble a couple times.
My wife is now in recovery, if she weren't I would be right where you are at.
I don't know that the children would suffer more if you separate, only you can judge that. Quite possibly it would be easier for you to manage as a parent if you separate, and even though the kids are bummed, you could give them potentially much better lives.
I'm just curious, you say that you have set boundaries. Were they successful and enforced?
Tim