The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night after getting the kids to where they need to be and a seriously crazy work week I was able to breathe at the meeting I attend. We all had a great evening! My son went trick or treating with a group of his friends with no adults (they were at his friends new house very, very nice, it was so cold I think they were the only one's out!!) Small area though and he had a blast!! All I could think was there goes my baby .. LOL.
We work out of the book How Alanon Works and are currently reading chapter 11. One of the sections we read was about Detachment, separating the disease from the person.
I truly get this and I totally understand logically why I need to do that and what benefits I get as well as the A. However just like other books this book is subject to opinions of others and I just have to say I call BS on some of it. At least the way I read it.
Now .. detachment to me is allowing the A to do or not do what they choose to do and not loosing myself in their chaos while allowing the outcome to come to fruition without me needing to react or run interference.
I totally believe that alcoholism is a disease. I still go back to the part that I heard someone say or on a tape that yes, I have a disease .. however it doesn't mean I'm not responsible for the consequences of my actions regardless if I'm drunk or sober. I used to say it better .. LOL .. it's a paraphrase of it.
As the sober party .. it is really hard for me to sit quietly by and allow things to evolve naturally, especially when in my head I'm screaming there is a train coming get out of the way. I'm getting better, that knee jerk reaction has now become more of an appropriate response. Ok .. sometimes a not so appropriate reaction when absolutely provoked .. ugh.
What that means to me is accepting that I can't change another person. What that means is accepting that other people are neither perfect or think the way I do. Yes, because my best thinking has helped me make some of the worst decisions of my life .. LOL!! Who am I to tell anyone how to live their life? I also let go of the expectation that just because I say I don't like this, ... the other person is going to change. It is just not about me. It's really not personal. They are absolutely behaving like an alcoholic/addict so why is anything surprising .. LOL?
However that means I still hold the A accountable for unacceptable behavior. No .. my XAH can choose not to follow the agreement that has been laid out. Sooo NOT my problem, he will have consequences and I will let the courts deal with that part of it. I really don't need to be involved on any level. I don't need to tell him .. I don't need to be involved because very honestly ... it's not my business. As long as he's paying what he should pay .. I could care less about anything else in regards to what he is or is not doing. My motto .. do what you have to do .. just don't bother me .. LOL!! I choose to no longer be your wife and I'm definitely not your mother .. let someone else do that job. I'm way ok with that. That doesn't mean Door Mat is my middle name.
I think a disservice is done to A's that are not held accountable for their actions that it's another form of enabling .. this isn't about brow beating. It isn't about hurting others. It is about letting someone be accountable for actions and behaviors that bring either good or bad consequences. It's honestly not about being judge or jury in the situation because their best thinking got them where they are too. It just is what it is.
So I'm still digesting what I read and will have to go back and read it at a later date. I must be in a place of my own healing that means I still am not seeing it as it was intended to be read. That's ok and I'm right where I'm suppose to be.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Detaching for me means letting go of the person, all of them. I dont control, advise, fix or suffer his consequences outwardly or inside. My ex has no power over me through detaching, he cant and wont ever walk over me because he has no power in my life at all. Whatever hurts me is only hurting because I let it, my ex doesnt have anywhere to live in my head anymore. There is very little he could do or say that would upset me. If he drinks again, I know my kids will hurt but maybe then they will learn detachment, thats their journey, they have an alcoholic, sober father. Nothing anyone can ever do about that.
I think I get what your saying, do you feel detaching is letting him off the hook? That hes getting away with everything hes done?
Detachment is about letting you off the hook. Freeing you from pain. If hes still in your mind, hes likely there with some pretty destructive thought patterns like resentment, revenge, anger etc. These dont hurt him, these hurt you and your life.
The only way he shrunk into nothingness in my mind was through detaching and I dont think you will like it but forgiveness, taking him off the pedastal. Thinking of him as powerful and evil and bad is thinking of him way too high. He is none of these things. To me my ex is a flawed human with a thinking disease, pretty sad really but in no way a threat to my life. Taking your power back, reassing the thought processes long held around him, shrink him into perspective and you will be free. Sounds easy but it is hard and its a process. You will get there, especially if you keep questioning your own thinking, I wouldnt really question the program though, I had to trust it completely, it wont steer you wrong, theres no bs in alanon, the bs is our own flawed thinking.
I question everything because to follow blindly leads to horrible consequences (Holocaust is a prime example of following blindly) and blocks out the opportunity to learn something new from a new perspective. I challenge my pastor spiritually, I challenge my bosses, I challenge RA's because I really want to understand. I challenge the ideology even in Alanon if it's rock solid .. it is never ok to be complacent in terms of thinking or being. It helps me further my own growth. I also challenge myself. I absolutely do not believe that the A should not have consequences for their behavior .. it's not up to me to dole them out. I'm not going to buffer that either.
He will probably always be in my mind only as long as I have to deal with him in terms of the kids .. he is their dad and their relationship is based upon his behavior good or bad .. it doesn't make it less difficult to watch them struggle with their questions or hurts. Yes, I resent that he continues to fade in and out of their lives .. pick a side already and move on. It would be so much easier for them.
I'm not to the point yet of letting go of the resentments I just got divorced after 3 years of hell. I have a different perception in terms of the first year than the I did 2 years ago .. I still need time to heal from that because it's been a long chaotic ride. This last year was completely unnecessary and I hold him absolutely accountable for it. It was to wear me out. That is his atty who operates that way. Not my problem his client can't stay out of the hot seat.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Having re read your post I think I may have misinterpreted it because I get what your saying now and I think its all about growth. Acceptance, letting go and letting god and reaping some of the rewards that come, for me its peace. I know what you mean about the train, I get that panicky feeling around my son and the learning can go out the window within those moments, its like being triggered and theres nothing going to stop my body from reacting at this time.
Im not talking about following blindly, not sure why the holocaust came into that one. im talking about faith and trusting the process. The fellowship works and even when some of it doesnt make sense at one point I find I can go back and then it makes perfect sense.
Before I trust I question motives. Alanon doesnt make money, gain power, control or anything else that motivates most things in the world. It does what it says it will do, help families of alcoholics. So, yes I think it can be followed as fully as possible, the consequences are likely to be healthy.
When I think of following blindly I think of the horrific things that humanity does when they follow blindly politics, religion, anti (insert whatever here).. the holocaust is one of those moments in history that anti individuality was used to control .. there are current similar atrocities currently happening for similar reasons, when I hear don't question (fill in the blank) I literally think about sheep being driven off a cliff. It's wording for me.
Regardless of what any book says .. I have a right to my own opinion and thought process to get to where I need to be. Why I like the slogan take what you like and leave the rest.
S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Im not saying you dont have the right to your own opinions or dont question. Ive never questioned so much since joining alanon, mainly questions about me. I assume that were all learning how to think differently so to say trust alanon, trust the literature, im sharing with you what helped me. It helped me to completely abandon my distorted thinking and fully embrace the program, it was my distorted thinking, living in my own will that got me into the mess my life became, learning the alanon philosophy meant life got better for me. Surely, trusting the program is fundamental?
Of course, we all interpret the literature differently, that goes without saying I suppose but I found that when I was still clinging onto some of my old distroted thinking I had the tendancy to think of different parts as wrong or as bs. I work better when i let go of my will, trust the program to carry me and im usually in much better shape. Ive lived 40 years on my own wits and ego, it didnt work too well so the evidence for me is there to see in my memories.
Its just when you mention the holocaust its like your taking the conversation on a completely different direction. Im like, are you comparing me to nazis? Its a bit controversial, I suppose thats why we leave outside issues outside.
I find that when I detach, I stay inside my own self, stay with my feelings, my intuition, the still small voice within,so as to check my needs and my desired outcome.. My basic principle of treating everyone with courtesy and respect without judgement or criticism must be the foundation of all my interactions and when I see the actions of another, I evaluate how I will respond to best suit my needs without any thought as to what is important to the other. That helps me focus on myself and let the other do the same
Thank you for this thread! Such profound e/s/h and learning that I see in all three posts. I'm stealing some of it and putting it in my memory bank to ponder and to integrate.
