I don't think it is unusual to be ambivalent - especially given the reality that your x was an abuser.  In order to survive, I "numbed up."  When the threat was no longer there for me, I could relax a bit if I felt safe with a man who consistently demonstrated his care for me.  When I felt safe and secure, unprocessed memories and feelings surfaced - sometimes at very awkward times for me.  I learned that if I trusted the person I was with, I could tell them a little about what I had experienced or was experiencing although I didn't share all the details.  This happened with two men that I dated.  We didn't end up together and yet they were very helpful to me when I could tell them what was true for me at the time.  They were both two very good men who truly did care about me and I'm grateful to each of them for the ways they each contributed to my healing when I could be open and honest with them.  It took me about 3 years to process old memories and feelings so that my present was no longer overshadowed by my past.  You are choosing wisely in practicing what works for you in Al-Anon and refusing to run away from a future you cannot foresee.  You already know you've healed a lot.  Otherwise, you wouldn't be in the company of a man who treats you well.  I also learned that the first 3 months of dating someone was usually the "honeymoon" period.  It was how the relationship developed after that first 3 months that helped me know if it was a keeper or simply a healer for me.

Nice to hear you're enjoying a new person whom you've invited to be part of your life.  I felt the "if onlies" too.  Learned to spend less time there and just enjoy the present moment and person or event. Seems natural with recovery to grieve what seems like lost time that was spent in an unhealthy situation; time we can't get back. If we really do get where we need to be in hp's time not ours, then we would be right where we're meant to be now. 

If this man is acting nice towards you, that's just a start of a lot more that you deserve. :) Are you giving yourself everything you deserve emotionally?  I think Let It Begin With Me is good for me work on and keep working on when involved with someone new. I deserve good things and good treatment and give both to myself. When a man treats me well, he's giving me what I already give to myself because of self love.

This is just me, but I made whomever I got involved with responsible for my keeping happy. If I made a new friend or met a new guy, I reacted to that. I made them out to be more than who they actually were before having a chance to know them and how we would fit with one another as new acquaintances. Today, I take a step back, wait and let it take it's course. It's not less exciting because I put my energy in a more healthy place. That more healthy place for me is being grateful for a new person in my life, the chance to learn more about them and myself and keep my mind open to hp's will for our new connection. Seems you've already got that since you're talking about taking it odaat.

I think the growth we experience from recovery can feel joyous yet somehow it pulls at our heartstrings a bit too. We think of people we love or have loved who are not healthy. I noticed it more when I started seeing progress in my recovery and began spending time with people who felt their emotions in a more balanced way.  

I think a good cry can be cleansing. It continues to be a part of my feeling, dealing and healing process. With that said, when I got involved too soon after my exah, I did a lot of crying in front of a new guy. I wasn't ready for a relationship. I was grieving. Only you know if you're done in your heart, tx, no matter what your past relationship was like.  If you are done, then maybe it's just momentary remembering. You can take a breath and move past the moment.  How can we not remember husbands who were such an important part of our history.

I think for me no matter what kind of relationship it is, it's more about whether one of my feet is still stuck in the past or if I'm now standing on solid ground emotionally and ready to welcome someone with an open mind and without comparison to others. That for me means I neither put them on a pedestal nor expect the worst. I want that from others so I need to be prepared to give that too. These days, I just show up as me since that's all I've got, and try to be open to others doing the same.  

Thanks for sharing. Hope you keep enjoying the moments. ((hugs))  TT 

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 31st of October 2014 03:24:18 PM