Confidence and Self-esteem. - Al-Anon Family Group

Luiza · Senior Member

Confidence and Self-esteem.

Luiza · Senior Member

Lets change 'normal' to emotionally healthy.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience its about setting an example. You cant give your daughter what you dont have to give. Alanon meetings, study it like its the most important thing in your life. When you get well, you will know how to feel confident and have self esteem, then you can show your daughter.

1911A1 · Senior Member

Speaking for myself, my illness came about not so much for any specific trauma that might have happened to me, but for the things I needed and did not get when I was young:

- Validation of all my feelings: When I tried to share my pain, anger, or any other emotion with which my parents felt uncomfortable, their response was "You shouldn't feel that way!" That gave me the message that I could not trust my feelings...or even myself.

- Unconditional positive regard: Affection, attention, and approval were withheld unless I was people-pleasing. This is a pattern that continues today.

- Permission (better yet, encouragement) to fail: One of the defining moments of my life was when I brought home a report card with straight As except for one B. I was shamed for the B. Today that experience (and many others like it) bears the fruit of perfectionism, of feeling like I'll never be enough, fear of taking risks, and many of those other wonderful ACOA traits.

- Emotionally stable & predictable environment: My mother, while not an alcoholic (neither of my parents were; it was active in my grandparents' generation, showing how this really is a "family" disease), carried the disease by being emotionally unpredictable (rage, depression, smothering, distant). My father was a bully. I have serious trust and intimacy problems as a result today.

Through the program I am learning "little by little, one day at a time" to grow out of the effects of growing up with these deficits. Because the damage happened early and were reinforced ten thousand times over, many corrective experiences are needed to re-write the programs. With the help of my HP and the fellowship, I believe it will happen.

One of the best things about Al-Anon members is that we have recognized the pervasiveness of this disease (I'm fond of saying, dysfunction is the gift that keeps on giving) and have resolved to break the chain ("let it begin with me"). You are to be commended for resolving to do that with your daughter.

Hope this helps.

-- Edited by 1911A1 on Friday 31st of October 2014 03:37:29 AM

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Hugs))))) Luiza,

What a beautiful, caring question to be asking. The fact that you have these thoughts in your head, showing so much care for your daughters future, makes me think that with your support and the sharing of your own lessons she will probably grow up with the strength to live her own lessons. In no time she will be teaching you!!

I do not have any experience of raising children so can only speak of my own experience when I was growing up. I am lucky to have grown up in a safe environment where I knew that I was loved.

I agree with El-cee, so much is taught by example. My father achieved a great deal, but remained modest and cared more for the character of a person than he did for possessions. He taught me that anything is achievable and that there is no value in bragging or putting on a false front.

My mother had a complete breakdown and tried to kill herself. But that in no way defines her, in fact I only mention it to illustrate that she was a survivor. When she came through it she spent many years helping young disabled children. She taught me that I was loved, and how to love others. She gave me a safe place from which to go out and explore the world, that there was value in every soul, that nature and its small, often unnoticed treasures were beautiful gifts. She taught me to laugh - at myself and to laugh with others.

There were things in our family that were not discussed and from that I learnt that it was not ok to express/value my own concerns or discuss my own needs. That is a shame. I did not learn that the lesson at the heart of some challenges is that I don't have to take on every challenge that comes my way.

I taught myself how to listen to my inner voice (thank you Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance!) but I was not aware that others had their own inner voices and might need to change direction for their own reasons.

I was taught self sufficiency and to support myself, but I did not know that my emotional foundations were built to support my own weight and not the weight of others.

The best thing, in my life, is that I was taught that "I can" and felt encouraged and accepted for who I was. I have many gifts from my family of origin but the many years of emotional abuse have undermined them as well. It is interesting that the lessons that I think of as positives, that have served me well in my life, are also the reasons why I put up with abuse for so long, thinking 'I can".

Thank you for the opportunity to review all these gifts of family. After all my ramblings I am inclined to delete them, but instead I'll just say this

What is normal?

-- Edited by milkwood on Friday 31st of October 2014 04:26:43 AM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Luiza, some of it is genetics...

As with any problem, there is a nature / nurture debate which means how much was caused by biology versus what was learned by the person after birth?

So on the side of nature: People may be genetically predisposed to depression and anxiety. That combo will lead to a lot of interactions and ways of interpreting the world that then cause further low self-esteem and confidence.

With regard to nurture: Over critical parents, poor boundaries, lessons that were learned in childhood that no longer serve us, codependency, perfectionism, rigid thinking patterns - these are all things developed and taught to us (intentionally or unintentionally) as children.

Good new is: Low self-esteem is fixable. My self esteem was terrible. Through a lot of 12 step work and therapy, it has improved.

P.S. - You don't strike me as having low self-esteem. I've seen you working hard and through some very painful and challenging stuff to assert that you want and deserve better in life. To me, you are a person whose self esteem is under reconstruction but it's really it a point where you had to make some difficult decisions because you actually do value yourself too much for things to stay the same.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Luiza, from what I know of you through your posts, your daughter has a good start in becoming emotionally healthy. As you continue with your recovery, more of the " good stuff" will rub off. Relax, play and love.....I wish I had done more of this as my kiddos grew up.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I do believe that I was not given the healthy constructive tools to live by so that I developed my own--- such as denial of reality and pretending all was well. These destructive tools fed my pride and arrogance but did not build my self esteem or self worth.

I learned in alanon that having constructive coping tools and doing esteem able actions build self esteem and from that grows self worth.

Give her the tools and simple principles and she can do the rest. Your are doing well

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm an advocate for women. I believe that part of what contributes to a woman being emotionally healthy is being heard and taken seriously starting at a very young age. There is a difference between saying one's true thoughts and feelings and those being heard and validated vs being shut down, ignored, made fun of or otherwise silenced or challenged as in: "Don't say those things. You don't mean that. You shouldn't think that way, feel that way, be that way." Some of the most emotionally unhealthy women I have met in my lifetime act sweet on the outer and are gossiping in the back room of their mind or the office place where they can't be seen by the person they are slicing up. I do think that if they'd been allowed as children to say they didn't like something another did and were encouraged to go directly to the person with "I talk," they might not be 30, 40, 50 years old and trying to hide what they truly think and feel from view in ways that come out indirectly and inefficiently. Of course, as adults they can change that behavior if they choose but who might they have become if they'd been heard and validated starting at a very young age?

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Good questions and great ESH, thank you for this as a single Mom I have tried to get myself healthier to model it for my girls also. Great thread!!! Sending you love and support!

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I have to agree, I think what damaged me most was being constantly told I didn't really think/feel/see/experience my reality.
"Are you sure? I think you might be imaging things" was said to me over and over, and "I don't think that's true Melissa"
And worst, "You're just saying this to try to make me seem like a bad mother".

So that's OK, my mother was, I think, very frightened of the reality we lived in and wanted to live in the illusion that none of it was really happening, we were all nice and happy and normal.
She did the best she could.

But I know it damaged my ability to trust my own feelings or believe it was true when someone was hurting me- I must me making it up, I must be imagining it, and worse still, if I get upset, I must be REALLY crazy and trying to accuse people of crazy things they didn't do because I'm so CRAZY. So I think this made me very vulnerable to abusive people, I was always willing to accept that I was the crazy one and everything was my fault.

My daughter might have had to deal with some bad stuff in her young life but I think validating her and hearing her are super important not just for her to develop a healthy relationship with herself but to heal me too, I feel calm and confident when I allow her to speak her truth and listen to her respectfully.

Luiza · Senior Member

Thanks for the ESH.

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